define:Heartsick

• brokenhearted: full of sorrow
• despondent: without or almost without hope

That’s how I feel today. Might sound a little exaggerated but let’s just say I feel so lousy.

This entry is going to be the total opposite of the previous one. *You can start to run.*

I sounded happy in the last but it just wasn’t a good day today. I don’t know what I have become because if I were to draw a chart about my mood, I’m afraid it would be a very fluactuating one. It would go up one day, down the next. I’m trying to keep my cool but there are just times that I just feel like I’m running out of patience.

A customer wanted to go on a vessel that is full but there isn’t any space but she insists to be given one. I tried to get her one, by asking my colleagues whom might have found me irritating as well for doing so since I already know the answer is no. As expected, it was to no avail. I have no choice but to bring her bad news but she was very upset. She wasn’t shouting but she raised her voice louder than usual and she complained for so long, I didn’t know what to say to make her feel any better, nor is there any solution that I can provide since she doesn’t want any other date but only that particular one, which was impossible. I do wonder how do people cope in a situation like that.

It was just so much pain talking to her.

Then another one simply just doesn’t understand where she wants to go. I explained and explained but she still couldn’t figure out what it is all about. She said she understood but I came to realise that she may have understood but she was blaming me and quoted my name into a very nasty email that she wrote. I got to read that and some of the things that she wrote just simply wasn’t true. That sucks because it made me look like I’m one stupid fool when all I wanted to do was help. And this thing is going to haunt me again tomorrow or the day after until it gets settled. I’m taking in so much of all this shit. I wonder whether the damage done is irreversible. It is not helping me at all. People work for personal growth, but I don’t know what I’m here for. To be ranted at. And I’m now ranting by myself and to have you guys read this. Sometimes I think I can go crazy because things are really driving me nuts.

After that, I appeared so lost. My mind’s blank. I forget about things, like I forgot to take the bread that I bought home for breakfast tomorrow. I was still hanging around at the office, explaining it to my colleague who’s going to draft that mail to reply it back to the customer since I only have voice contact to the customer and none by email. Other colleagues waited for me to drive them home and one who already clocked out, came back in to ask what was wrong with me.

I felt so much like crying. Normally, I would feel happy working out at the gym no matter how tired I would feel after work but today while I was running on the treadmill, the tears just wanted to flow. It happened again when I was cycling, but then I just held on to myself.

I just don’t feel like talking anymore. I want to go hide somewhere and have no one to bother me. I’m not really telling my parents about my job and how I feel anymore lately, I will just tell them I’m okay even when I’m not because I hate to tell them about how I exactly feel.

I just hope to survive all these and still come out sane.