I Hate and Love!

After the drama I had last night, I went to the bathroom, sat on the toilet bowl and cried. Then, I walked out from the bathroom after bathing, went straight to the bedroom and sleep. I didn’t wish my mum good night or told her I am going to bed because I was still fuming. Going to bed angry is obviously not a good choice because I couldn’t sleep!

On top of that, suddenly I miss him.

Yea, sometimes it just comes and hit you just like that.

Thinking that I hate him so much, there’s still some reserved feelings for him. I don’t know how that can happen. I mean I can list down all the bad things he’s done to me and yet after I’ve acknowledged all of them. I can still afford to be cool about it.

I felt the need to pray for him so I clasped my hand, talked to God and ended it with an amen. I’m no Christian but I learnt this during Sunday School when I was still a little girl and it has been like that. I’d pray when I’m really sad or in dire need of direction. I remembered I prayed at the kitchen door, looking to the sky, sobbing and praying when I was very very small. I don’t know why I was so dramatic then also. And now also very dramatic.

I really miss him. Really. So much so that I was hugging on to Ducky so tightly, imagining that Ducky is him. Just wanted the feeling to go away as I suffocate Ducky. (Ducky is a soft toy duck, so she won’t die. Thanks.)

So I ended reading magazine in the room and I actually took a bag and block the door so that it is dark and I didn’t want Mummy to know I switched on the lights after switching them off. I wanted her to think that I was really asleep.

This morning I woke up to find out that I forgot to switch off the computer last night. And while I was closing Windows Live Messenger without my contact lens, I saw a chat window from him. He sent me a nudge followed by a few lines of messages. Totally unexpected of him to do that. Timestamp: 2:23am.

It wrote, “I do love you very much girl. Nvm, hopefully you’ll understand one day.”

All of a sudden, I feel like I’m trapped in a TVB series or Korean series where I’m one of the main actress of a love story and I could either end up happily ever after or end up in the saddest love story of all.

Even though he’s not my first boyfriend but he was the first person I actually fell in love with. How is that possible? Well, that kind of feeling comes hitting you as well and there is no way stopping it. The first boyfriend that I had was more to, he confessed, I think he’s okay, we got into a relationship and I feel and think that I’m in love. Let’s just say I just wanted to feel what it’s like to be someone’s girlfriend and to be in a relationship. You could also say it’s due to slight peer pressure. You could also say it’s puppy love and you could also say it was one part of life that I had to go through. And I can tell you the me then was naive and stupid to a certain extent. It’s okay to be stupid when you’re young.

When I knew I have already fallen with him, I said to myself and I can still remember it so clearly because it’s some sort of a defining moment in life. I said, “He is the one…if he’s not naughty.” He isn’t the kind who love studying while I love studying. I’ve never skipped a class but it was him that taught me how to skip a class. But I only skip once lah. I feel guilty skipping classes.

I found it very exciting to be with him because I get to do things I don’t normally get to do. I come from a very strict family, at least during the early years of my life. Now I think my parents are a bit lenient and allows me to do most things. So when you are restricted and when you get the freedom to things when you leave home to study at a new place, you get that sense of thrill. He introduced that kind of thrill to me. Going out late to the mamak is a kind of thrill to me then because I didn’t get to do that while I was back home.

It was a dangerous period also because I mean if I didn’t know how to think wisely, I would have changed to a different person altogether. Maybe I’ll be skipping classes forever.

So you see, I like bad guys. I hate to admit this but i think that was one of the reasons I fell so deeply in love with him then.

Now I would say, “He is the one…if only he had the time”.

Part of me wants to continue lingering with whatever leftover feelings I have. I can choose to wait for that “one day”. Part of me wants to get over it and hopes so much the missing feeling doesn’t come revisiting me anymore. And that I should start falling in love with good guys.

Well, he isn’t all bad (see how I’m protecting him?). He just has got a complicated family background which makes him complicated as well. He’s knocking his way through life, in terms of career and everything else. If I think my life is hard, wait till I see his. And life with him, is going to be hard too.

I don’t know why he’s doing what he’s doing now but I guess he has his own reasons which I may not be able to comprehend. Whether or not, we will make it in the end, I guess it’s not my call to decide. I’m not going to waste my life, waiting for him. I may do it unconsciously, like how I realised I’m still missing him when I think I’ve gotten over him. I will continue to live life as I ought to, whether or not the missing feeling comes back. I will treasure my family and friends. I will love myself. I will not force myself to forget about him. I mean how could you ever forget someone you’ve loved before?

I don’t know what else I can do so I think this is what I can do best for myself. I know he needs time off. He can have it and he’s having it. I will take it as my time-off to do some soul-searching and self-discovery. The problem with me is I’m not firm enough. If I’m a little more hard-hearted, I think I wouldn’t have so many heartaches and sobbing to do. But I’ve been made the way I’ve been made to be. I have this heart that can be so soft towards certain people that I allow them to do whatever they want with it.

This entry is leading me nowhere. Let’s just put a full stop here for now.