At the Crossroads

I’m still going through pangs of short tear-releasing sessions. I was driving to the mall to meet a friend when I heard on the radio that Yasmin Ahmad has passed away. I can’t help but to shed a tear. I’ve been watching her heart-touching commercials, her movies and reading her blog. And to know that I won’t be seeing more of those is sad. At the same time, I’m proud of her courage, sensitivity and creativity that she possesses and that she puts her passion into action…which what triggered more tears as I thought about it. How many of us actually do that?

I don’t know why I’m thinking and feeling what I’m thinking and feeling now. It’s more of like being on the edge of the cliff, to think if I should stay away from the cliff and keep doing whatever I’m doing now, no matter how unhappy I am and to accept that this is what life is about OR to jump off the cliff, have the jump of my life, risking if I’ll plunge myself to death or have the best bungee jump ever!!!

When I’m really down, I’d call my mum. I always call her. She may not understand me fully because she sometimes thinks I’m crazy and I think too much but I still call her anyway. So I was talking to her one night and the tears were pouring a little too. She was telling me, “Life is like that.”

Pappy happened to call her after that so he got to know that I wasn’t in my best state and he gave me a call and gave me some head-knocking.

“I don’t think clocking-in and clocking-out everyday is going to be a solution, not for me. If you have a plan or something that you want to do, go do it. Do you have a plan?”

“Yes.”

“Then why are you not doing it?”

“Because I’m worried if it’s workable or not.”

“You got to take risk. In life, we got to take risk. You are still young and you can give this a try. Even if you fail, you can always go back to do what you did. I will support you in whatever you do. If you think it’s viable, go for it.”

That is when the tears just won’t stop flowing. I’m thankful to have Pappy for he has always been supporting me in whatever I do. It’s one conversation and advice I’ll keep close to my heart. In fact, it has been playing in my mind for a few days since he told me that.

I know myself, I always get all excited about an idea, I have many things I want to do with that idea and then I’ll keep thinking of the hardships or if I’ll ever get there. Then, I’ll just brush it off, hide it under my pillow..but the thing is that..the idea will still be buried under the pillow and sometimes it creeps into my head just before I go to bed, or when I wake up, or when I’m wide awake, wondering if I should just be obsessed with this idea and just go for it for God’s sake. This is that part of me that I’m struggling with.

And I know the only way to make me do it is when I’m feeling crazy and when I still have that adrenaline rush in me. Once I get pass that, it’s going to take awhile for me to remember the idea. Know how purplewabbit.com came along? Well, I’ve been blogging at other sites without my own domain name and I just wanted a domain name but that itself took me so long. Why?

Because I went out to compare which site offered the cheapest domain and which hosting plan was the cheapest and yet I want it to be a reliable one. Then, I thought it was tedious because there were so many to compare to. What I really think now is that, should I have come across a hosting plan which I think I could afford and that by reading the online reviews that it is satisfactory, then it is good to go. The worst that can happen is the hosting plan sucks but the thing is that you can switch hosting plans later…you don’t have to stick to it for the rest of your life.

So you see, there are things that you have to act on that spur of moment or else it’s going to just vanish. Of course, my plan now is not as simple as just getting a domain name and hosting plan. It’s bigger than that and because I don’t have the heart of actually focusing on too many things on the same time, I’d really have to let go of something in order to get what I want to do. I’ve not gotten over the fact of what I need to sacrifice and throw away and I’m giving myself grace period to think over this. I may still not get an answer by then because there will never really be an answer nor will there be a right time.

But I thought at least, I know by having that grace period, I know I’m not just jumping into something without going through some careful thinking. Knowing that there’s someone and a few more who supports me should I do something crazy comforts me already.

I cried again writing this entry, this time with LOTSA tears but it’s like flushing out the toxins. I feel good now. Now I just want to take a bath and eat some grapes!