Roller Coaster

It has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me for the past week or so. As the pain of my wisdom tooth subsides, I think my emotional well-being is slowly getting better too. Sometimes I do get tired having this braces put on because I’m thinking of how hassle free it is without it. But I know I’ve chosen this journey and I’m half way there so I should just persevere (not like I have a choice now!) and I know the results will be worthwhile. At least, that’s what all the bracie people are telling me.

I still have the emotional baggage that I carry with me. I can feel it when I’m awake and feel so reluctant to get up. Today it was somehow better. I got up after much self-talking and I felt calmer this morning compared to the other mornings before this. It was short-lived though when I was told of something. Was a bit angry but somehow I saw it coming so I wasn’t really surprised that it happened. The anger that I felt made me want to laugh…because I’ve had too many shits and I just want to laugh it over and laugh it away.

I don’t care what others are up to and I don’t really want to know. For all I know, they can do whatever they like and like I said, I’ll still be me. I’ll still be kind.

Yesterday was a gloomy day because I received a call from a friend who told me an ex-colleague passed away due to a car accident. Her car engine caught fire and she was trapped in the car, unable to escape. My mood was affected again because I’ve worked with her and she’s almost the same age as me, a mother, a wife, a daughter and now she’s gone.

I then accompany a friend to dinner whom I thought need a listening ear but I didn’t eat anything. Went to the bookstore and read for an hour…and finally had dinner alone outside. Came home and cried again. Talked to mum and cried again. Went to bed because I was too tired of thinking.

I feel very grateful for having supportive family and friends. Two of my friends knew I wasn’t happy today and they suggest to meet up for dinner. It wasn’t the best of location to have dinner because of the long journey especially after work with traffic at its peak but I braved the traffic anyway and took a route I’ve never took before. Sometimes I’m like that. I like to discover new roads and then panic and then I find my way again, then I go , “Ohh….this route brings me here” and then I’m happy and proud of myself that I reach my destination.

Had hot steamy shabu-shabu, which was followed by hot steamy expressing session. Both my friends, seated on the left and right of me, just sat and listened to me. Thank you.

I also have a colleague who would check on me from time to time, throughout the day to see if I’m okay. It keeps me sane. I’ve not revealed much of my problem but it’s like someone understands…probably judging from my facial expression. I’ve had people telling me how sad or angry I look the past few days. I know it’s really bad when I get comments like these. So today I looked at the mirror after I came home from dinner and I told myself, “Hey, you’re pretty!”

I don’t know if I’ll have double emotional baggage when I wake up tomorrow but I’m working on it. It’s going to be daily work until I’m all up and running again.

I saw something today too. His car passed by and I saw the number on the car plate and I went, “Hey, it matches”. Then, I started looking at the first 3 alphabets of the car plate and took me a while to register. “Hey, that’s his car!” Not like I could do anything because I was still behind the red traffic light but he somehow beat the red light. If not, his car will be next to mine, which I’m sure he didn’t want that to happen, which I assumed the reason why he beat the red light. And if he didn’t beat the red light, I wouldn’t have seen his car anyway.

Anyway, this didn’t cause any emotional damage because the damage is already done long before this. I just saw his car disappear as he drove on and that’s all about it. 随风而去