In a Submarine

I know I don’t like it but I can’t change it so I’m just going to accept things as they are for now because that’s the only way that I can be at peace with myself and the things happening around me.

I can go on and shout about how unfair it is, how I don’t deserve this or how I deserve that, but it is really tiring.

I’m tired to a point where I don’t really care too much anymore, whether it’s mine to start with or it is just the way it is. I’m just taking the day as it comes and just try my best to do whatever I can in that span of day and given time. Sometimes it’s hard to take my heart out to do things and I really got to dig deep. In some ways, I think this is harder than getting over a breakup..because I don’t know what’s wrong with me to even begin with. It’s like trying to drive up a  submarine to the sea surface but it just  keeps drilling downwards to the sea.

The thing is I cannot pretend to be happy when I’m not. Pretending to be happy would worsen my condition even further. I think it’s alright to be angry when I am angry. To be sad when I’m really sad. And I don’t need to put up a happy face to please someone even when I’m already dying inside. And I just thought, a true friend will understand this and will still talk to you despite how you are feeling.

I won’t bark at people, at the very least, I’ll just keep quiet and be angry with myself.

A few nights ago, as I was trying to open the glass door, a guy walking from an opposite direction opened it for me and allowed me to pass through before him.  I looked at him, smiled and said thank you, even though deep down I was still in a mess. He hold on to the door as I walked pass and gave me a nod and smiled. That small gesture of kindness helped to calm my heart a little.