Letting Go and Finding Myself

You know you’re lost when you don’t really know what you are doing, why you are doing it and how you are supposed to do it.

You go to work and you feel so scared, not confident in answering the questions that you get. I’m doing things so blindly that sometimes I feel like I’m a robot. Given a same situation in a different twist and I’m lost in how to solve it. Because why? I don’t view the problem in a big picture, I’m focusing on it as it is and that is why I cannot think of how to solve it. Sometimes, it takes common sense to figure how to solve it but I find my mind so blank. Totally blank.

I’m making mistakes at work because of that. I would be looking at the calendar, advising the customer one date but in actual fact, I’m thinking of another date.

The customer might have felt the uncertainty in my voice, she asked, “Are you sure?”

Then, I start to wake up and say the correct date. I fumble if they were to ask, “Are you sure?” for a few more times.

It’s just a minor mistake but it keeps repeating. Sometimes I take a little longer to answer simple queries because I know I’m unstable and I want to make sure I speak the correct information before I say anything. More often that not, I’ll get a “Hello?” on the receiving end.

We are relocating and I had to pack my stuff. I don’t even know how to pack my stuff properly. I know I have to put in the paper tray first before I put anything else in because that’s the biggest thing of all things so you must put it in first before you fill the gap with smaller things.

Knowing it, I still put the other small things first instead of putting the paper tray first. My mind is telling me something but I’m doing otherwise. Am I going through some kind of disorder or what?

Then, I felt so frustrated.

“How lah? How do I fit this in?” I said.

My colleague heard me. She came.

“I didn’t know you are so hopeless when it comes to packing.” She wasn’t scolding but merely being honest.

“Grace, you are in import now. Why are you still keeping those export files? Why are there so many things in your box?”

“No, it’s import stuff.”

Most of them are export stuff by the way. I have problem throwing it away because I still think it’s important to me. Don’t ask me why but I’m keeping printed emails like those from the customers I once helped a long time ago. Problems that were so big and new to me and I remembered how I used to solve them even though I didn’t know how to. I don’t want to forget about how I grew and learn throughout my period in this organization. That’s why I’m keeping them. There are also some from a manager who questioned me on my action and I replied them with my justification and I’m still keeping them. There was one in which I was so afraid to reply to because I was only two months old then but I tried to write and one of my colleague was so impressed with what I wrote. “Grace, that’s a very nice reply.” See? I want to remember things like that.

I’ve even got 5 log books that I’ve accumulated since the very first day I started taking the calls. The numbers, the names, the actions required. On certain pages, you can find some little scribbling of mine. It ranges from, “Oh God”, “I’m bored”, “Shit!”, “How?” depending on what I feel when I get a very difficult call.

“Oh my God, are you also keeping these?”

“Yes lah. If not, throw?”

My colleagues shook their head. Mr.Boss was like just next to me, packing also. He didn’t say anything but I think he also want to pengsan when he sees what’s going on.

I’ve been trying to throw lots of stuff away but then after the throwing away, there is still many left. I cannot throw it away until another time.

“Grace, remove all the things from the box first.”

I did as I was told.

She then helped me to put the paper tray in first.

“Okay, Grace, now you can put the rest in.”

Finally, I got my stuff packed.

Now do you understand what I’m saying when I say I feel totally lost?

I want to find myself again. I’ve never been so lost before.

I decided to let go of someone. It’s the end of my relationship.

It’s impossible not to cry. I cried in the night. I cried this morning when I was alone. Again, shed a few more tears in the afternoon.

It’s not because of the wrong date given or how I didn’t know how to pack my stuff that I decided to let go. These are just signs that are telling me I need to rescue myself. I am not happy and very troubled and I’ve got problems that I’m unable to write it all out here.

I just want to start all over again.