Category: Life

Cast all your fears into the sky
I’m gonna make it on my own

One thing I like about my job is that I get to get in touch with Chinese language all over again. Knowing Chinese is also one of the reasons I was being offered the job. All I can say is I’m thankful that Pappy decided to send me to Chinese school and that I continued taking Chinese Language as a subject from Form 1 till Form 5. Iris gave up Chinese when she was in Form 3 because she hated it. It’s tough but I continued anyway because sometimes I love to challenge myself.

Both my parents are English-educated and they do not read or write Chinese. Pappy has always wanted to know what the Chinese Press is talking about, each time he flips open a Chinese newspaper. Because he couldn’t understand a word of it, he wants his daughters to be able to read it the next time. And that is why he wanted to send us to chinese school.

Mummy on the other hand was worried for she fears that if she sent me to a Chinese school, she may not be able to guide or teach me if I ever face difficulties in my studies. I went to a Chinese kindergarten for 2 years from 5 to 6 years old and I enjoyed it I would say. We were made to pin a handkerchief on our uniforms. We have two kinds of uniform. Formal and casual. We sing every morning before class starts and at the end of class. Singing the song before we go back was fun because the minute we hit the last note, we zoom out of the classroom.

After completing kindergarten, Mummy was contemplating whether to send me to a Chinese school or Malay/English school. As she was indecisive, she registered me under two schools. My birth certificate bears two stamps of both the schools. Funny or not?

I went to both schools too. I first went to St.Monica. Sekolah Rendah Kebangsaan. Kelas Satu Daisi. The boy who sat next to me was Alvin. See? I still remember my neighbour so well. But I didn’t really enjoyed school because the language used was different. During kindergarten, the teachers spoke Mandarin and it was also during kindergarten that I pick up Cantonese. So when the teacher spoke in Bahasa Malaysia, I could still understand but it just felt so weird. Mummy could sensed that I was a fish out of water.

I only lasted 7 days in St.Monica. Mummy then took me to Chi Hwa. Sekolah Rendah Jenis Kebangsaan (Cina). That also Mummy did it out of her gut feelings. Mummy asked a girl, my classmate to take care of me and guess what? During recess, she took me by my hand and brought me round the school. So, every recess, we would hold hands. Her name is Renee. I have not met her since until I bump into her in a church a few years ago (went there because a friend wanted me to be there for their christmas performance).

It was also during Primary One in which I got my first admirer. He would write me a three character note. I love you, in Chinese and fold the paper and put it in my pencil case. Each time I read it, I feel very scared. I don’t expect someone to do that and it’s certainly too young for me to have a guy to do such a thing to me. To stop him from professing his love, I would pretend to cry. (Heads down on your crossed hands, on the table, that’s what all the budak perempuan kecik would normally do.) It works. His name is Stephen. I have not met him since then.

It was only normal for me to continue taking Chinese as a subject as I went on to high school. Everything was taught in Bahasa Malaysia but I began to adapt to it. I’m not very good in Chinese, more so after graduating from high school, I sort of lost touch a bit. There are times when I don’t remember how to write certain words.

Now that I’m required to understand both language, English and Chinese, to be able to do my job better, I’m taking the opportunity to brush up my Chinese because there is just so much to learn. I would never stop improving my English as well because sometimes I feel that when I write, it is starting to become a little broken.

One thing’s for sure, if I ever have kids, they would go to Chinese school and that is final. Learning Chinese, or learning any additional language is always an advantage. You get to listen to Chinese songs, understand the lyrics (they are just so different from English songs) and so on. I just want to say Chinese is a very beautiful language.

A friend of Mummy is married to a Japanese and she sends her only son to a Chinese school, unlike his sisters who attends Japanese International School. This boy speaks English, Japanese and Mandarin and I think that is so cool.

????

;))

because she’s going back on Monday.

When she goes back, I will surely cry one.

Because I cannot get to wave her goodbye every morning as I leave the house and she would be standing at the kitchen, waving back to me.

Because I cannot honk her every evening when I get back from work and she’ll be at the kitchen cooking.

Because I cannot kiss her in the morning, through the half-closed door after having home-cooked breakfast.

Because there is no one to scold and nag me, no matter how I hate it sometimes.

And when I come home from work everyday starting Monday, I’ll talk to the wall at night.

:((

Thank you God for giving me a friend at work.

Today I helped her to move her monitor and also her chair, which she claimed too heavy to be lifted across the table with a monitor above it. Gracie did the moving and she was impressed with Gracie’s strength.

;))

Just discovered that she’s born in the year of the Rat, same as Iris. Iris is three years younger than me but she’s a Rat since she’s born before Chinese New Year. So, she’s like my sister.

And she told me she loves mushroom cream soup. Exactly the same like Iris. She loves mushroom cream soup too.

I’m her English teacher and she’s my Chinese teacher.

I only know if either one of us go out separate ways, I will sure cry one.

On the way back from Muar, we went to Teluk Gong for lunch. It was a late lunch as when we arrived there it was already 2.45pm.

We tapao ??? (Salty steamed chicken) back. One was meant to be whole. The other was meant to be chopped.

“It’s all wrapped up.”

“How do I know which one is already cut up and which is a whole chicken?”

“Ok lah, I label for you.”

“How are you going to label it?”

“MC.”

“What is MC?”

“??” ?Read in Cantonese – mou cham)

When Pappy related the story to us in the car, we can’t help but laugh.

I like this picture! It looked like I was the one getting married. See me laughing so happily?

This is not the recent wedding I attended. This was taken in Singapore. My cousin brother, Henry’s wedding. But it was only during the recent wedding of my cousin sister, Alice, that my auntie passed me the picture.

Alice’s wedding in Muar was a kampung-style wedding. A tent built in the middle of the road, in front of the bride’s wooden house. It was fun for a change. There were karaoke sessions too. All her sisters sang and they can surely sing!

I’ve been marked to sing during the wedding dinner in KL (Groom’s hometown). Can I not sing? They have been reminding me about it on the wedding night and before I left Muar. The last time I sang in front of so many people was during Form 2. Lagu Melayu. The one before that was in church, Christmas Eve when I was 10, 11 or 12. Don’t remember.

I didn’t talk pretty much that night because everyone spoke Teo Chiew, which I could only understand but not speak the dialect. And also, I’m not very close to the relatives of my dad’s side, seeing that I was born and raised in Sandakan while the rest of them grew up in Muar.

It was a pleasant surprise to see cousins that I never knew I had. And what more, nephews and nieces, tons of them that I’ve never knew. Some are new borned, some are so tiny, some are all grown up. There are just so many of them. Dad has got 11 or 12 other siblings, that’s why.

😛

Will you dance. Will you dance.
Take a chance on romance and a big surprise.

Today not free. Come back tomorrow.

Writer is going to Muar for a wedding. I like to attend weddings because it signifies the beginning of a real love story. I think when you are dating, it’s some sort like a warming up because the road ahead is just so long.

And I know I’ll be asked the “most important question”.

Do you have a boyfriend?

I used to feel lousy when I say I don’t have a boyfriend. But now, I don’t really care. I’m happy to be single and available as of now. It’s like I rather stay alone than to be stuck in a lousy relationship.

Had a farewell lunch /welcome lunch the day yesterday at Ericsson. Nice place. Next time should go work there. 😛

Had to introduce myself to everyone in the department. The question popped up too. And so I proudly announced that I’m single and available.

Pappy is fine with me. I think he thinks like me too. And sometimes I think he doesn’t want me to have a boyfriend lor. Haha. I just feel so lah.
Mummy is a bit excited. Always asking me if there’s any guys available. Always asking me to put on some make-up because according to her, you won’t know who will be spotting you by the road side. But I never listen to her. She’s also always complaining about my face, my pimples. It’s not that I want them to appear on my face so much but then the pimples would just come.

I’ve been sleeping very early ever since I started working. Very very much earlier than my previous job. Stress level is lower too so I think it should help. Hopefully it’ll help. Anyway, sometimes I get very annoyed when Mum starts talking to me about my pimples again but …I can’t really say anything. How should I put this? Once it starts, I feel stress lor. I feel like I’m never good enough lor.

I don’t hate my mother okay? But I just need to write this out because it would make me feel better. I know her intentions are good which is why I never shout or rebuke unless I’m very very pissed. That’s the only way to look at the big picture. Mum says something, you don’t like. You try to analyse why she said that and think of the reason and no matter how bad you feel, you try to accept it because she’s your mother. But of course, sometimes when I cannot tahan, I’ll just blurt out because if I don’t voice out, mum would never know, even though sometimes she still appears like she’s not listening or she doesn’t understand but I just want to make sure she’s aware of what’s happening.

Sometimes I think my mum loves me too much. Pappy too, but he knows how to stop when I tell him I’m alright. Mum never stops. Simple stuff like during dinner outside, she would take food for me. I’m happy that she is doing that for me but sometimes I just don’t want her to do it for me. I don’t know if any of you understand what I’m talking about or am I alone here. If I don’t let her take for me, she won’t be happy. I mean it’s okay if I can’t reach the dish that’s placed at the far end of the table but sometimes I can just handle it on my own. To me, I think my mum loves me, cares for me. On the other hand, I would think others would think that I’m a baby that still needs to be fed. And I don’t like to be think of that way. I have once received a statement like that but I don’t know what to say. She wants to do it so I would have to allow her, even if it means I’m unhappy. I mean I don’t want her to worry about me that much. Simple things like taking my own food, I know how to do it you know?

Another thing is about going out with friends. Sometimes you just have no idea how hard it is to assure her that I’ll be fine. I argued with her once, just recently when I wanted to go yamcha with a few friends. I’m not even going out to pub, clubs or disco. I’m just going out for a simple yamcha with my simple friends. She said if my friends are not coming to pick me up then it’s better that I don’t go. What is this? I can’t be living like that forever you know? Then might as well I don’t ever step out of the house anymore lah?

That argument came when one fine day a few friends asked me out and I haven’t been seeing them for quite some time already. And honestly, I haven’t been out with any friends ever since mum is here. For about a month or so. Every weekend, I’m spending time with her, accompanying her to places that she wants to go. So when I wanted to go out with my friends for that short while, she argued with me and I was really so so so upset. It doesn’t sound like it’s a big matter but it’s been happening since I don’t know when and sometimes I get so upset, I feel like crying!!!

Reason being I’m 24 but I’m not treated like I’m one. The best part is when she would say why are you always at home, you should go out and mix around. Beats me!

“You won’t have time to do your laundry when I’ve gone back.”

When I heard this remark yesterday morning, I was angry. Even when she’s not here and with my sister around, I still have got time to do laundry so I don’t know what she’s trying to say here. I feel lousy, you know? Bloody lousy? Am I that useless?

I have not left my laundry unattended you know? It’s just because now mum is around and I’m away at work and she has all the time to do laundry and because of that she says I’m not doing it.

When I become a mother next time, I would give my children some space and some trust. It’s important to let your own children to learn to be independent no matter how worried you can be. I’m not a mother yet so maybe it’s easy for me to say but then I think you should allow your children to handle things on their own.

I can be very timid at times because I have protective parents that sometimes I feel caged. I can be very cautious at times, too cautious sometimes and when I’m too cautious, it’s not cautious anymore, it’s something else. Sometimes you just don’t know what to do when all this while someone has done everything for you. It’s bad.

Anyway, despite of what I’ve written, I still love my mum because I can understand why she’s doing the things she do even though I may disagree at some point of time. But I also wish that she would understand the other part of me. How I feel. I’ve never really been able to tell her how I really feel because I don’t know if it’s even right to begin with.

“Mum, can you stop taking food for me?” –> Doesn’t sound right, does it? Yup but I’ve said it for a thousand times but nothing has changed. I give up already. So long as my mum is pleased.

I can be pissed but so long as my mum is pleased.

Because when she’s pissed, it’s definitely another session of everything-that-I’m-never-good-enough-at.

And I know by writing this out, nothing is going to change as just yet. If I wasn’t able to understand, analyse and look at a bigger picture, I would have been a very rebellious kid. I have once felt a strong urge to leave home, when I was a teenager because it was so hard to comprehend the love my mum was showering upon me. It’s love poured out but interpreted differently. I used to talk to the sky, at the back of the kitchen and I would cry. The love was so hard to digest…but I’ve been learning to digest it over time. If Iris is here with me, I would have complain to her over bed time but now she’s not here to listen to me secara langsung and I definitely cannot wait for a delayed screening so I’m sorry to have you listening to my rants.

I’m still going to be Mum’s 24 year old baby.

My mum’s no monster and I still love her!

?????

:))