Where’s the Sincerity?

I have always liked talking to my sister because we can just talk about anything. Today was one of the day we get to talk during dinner and I cherish moments like these. Especially now that I don’t get to see her as often as I want, since I’ll be away working and she’ll be studying in college.

I’ll tell her about my work, my job, things that I like and hate. She would tell me about her days in college, things that she likes and hates.

I like it that in spite of the 3 years age gap and the fact that I’m working and she’s studying, she is still able to understand what I’m saying and most importantly understand how I really feel. Maybe that’s because we’re sisters but then I see other siblings that simply do not click so I just feel blessed that I am able to connect well with my sister.

I find that it’s not easy to find a friend, and I mean a true friend at work. At least, it is happening for me now.

Things are not really going well between me and another colleague. We take turns to drive to work everyday. We work together. We have lunches together. We even exercise together after work. Even though there are so many things that we do together, we are talking lesser and lesser.

I know it’s normal for her to not acknowledge my greetings everyday. I would normally greet her “Morning” each time I get into her car and vice versa but she doesn’t say a word. I found it pretty weird and uncomfortable but somehow told myself maybe she just doesn’t like to say good morning at all. Not only that, I say “bye bye” without getting a “Bye” in return. It happens everyday that now I don’t even feel like greeting her in the morning and when we say goodbye. Sometimes, I still do greet her but I just feel a little hurtful sometimes when I don’t get any response. Am I being too sensitive here?

Sometimes, during lunch, she doesn’t talk. I try to ask her questions but she would only reply with a word and then show no interests in continuing to talk. Then, I continue to ask more but she keeps doing the same thing, answering me with a word only and then I figured I better stop before she starts to get really annoyed.

At the strike of lunchtime, it is automatic that we would leave our workplaces and head for lunch without having to call out for the other. That’s fine but there are times, she just storms out of the office and walks really fast, like she doesn’t want you to catch up or she’s just really hungry ( I always make things up to comfort myself.) I find this uncomfortable too. At times, when we are walking back to our office, she could just disappear. She wouldn’t tell me that she wants to go stop by a stall to get ice cream or some groceries. She would just, you know, go her own way.

She’s not the quiet type because I do see the “other” side of her. We used to talk and get along quite well but lately she has just changed. Other people will not notice it because she “appears” different when she’s with the rest. And when you notice that there is a difference how she’s treating you and the others, you sense that something is wrong somewhere but I just don’t know what is it because I’ve always been myself all this while, right from the day I’ve known her.

Sometimes I think this has also cause me to be unhappy about working here. Imagine having to go through that everyday and I have no choice but to go lunch with her because that’s the only time we can go out since it has been assigned that two must stay behind to keep the department occupied. When she’s on leave, I feel unpressured and comfortable because I wouldn’t need to guess to see whether she’s moody today or not. I can decide where I would like to eat. She decides most of the time because I always let her have her say. I used to suggest when she asks and when she doesn’t, but more often than not, she either give me this “yuck! I don’t want to eat there” look or suggest somewhere else instead and I’d be wondering since you already have a place in mind then why give me that shit look when you ask me for a suggestion?

These are all little things but it is bothering me because if given a choice, I want to get along well with someone and not to be given such cold treatment. I know I sometimes can be quiet too but I will answer when asked. I will greet others when I see them and I’d always smile. I won’t just walk away. But I’m starting to do it now because I’m really upset about being treated that way and I don’t like what I’m doing.

I just don’t know what has went wrong and I’m a little upset why things have to be this way. There are times that I want to ask her whether there’s anything wrong that I’ve done but I just don’t know how to. I’ve always give in and suiting myself to her mood. It has been like this for a few months now. I feel tired.

Then, I’m always continually seeing newer colleagues being bullied or made fun of intentionally or unintentionally. Sometimes I feel angry when I see cases like that because I know it isn’t always the new colleagues fault but the way that the other have already feel biased and prejudice towards them. What I can do is to not be in that biased group and help them as much as I can. But it’s not easy as well because the others would think I’m on their side and not with them so they’d think otherwise. I can’t help it really if others would think that way. I just feel injustice when I see my new colleagues being treated unfairly.

Just imagine, you are new and you don’t know how to solve a problem. You ask someone who knows but she told you the wrong thing, either she’s deliberately putting you into trouble or just giving you an answer to shoo you away and not to bother her. Then, you do exactly what you’re being told to do but to find out that it’s the wrong party that you’ve approached. So, of course, you feel disappointed, lost and more confused and with no answer to solve a problem. That is already bad enough, isnt it? But then, someone knows about it and start to spread the mistake you’ve made to other departments, to the same group of biased and prejudice people. And they start to laugh about it. Cruel, ya?

It happened and while they may think it’s funny to laugh over it, I feel pity for that girl because all she wanted was an answer to the solution but in the end, she was taken for a ride just because they think it’s fun to talk bad about someone else and putting others down for the expense of their own entertainment and happiness. The new girl doesn’t know the later part of the story, that her story was being spreaded to others and was laughed at. I’m sure if I am her and I know about what happened. I would feel really terrible.

Don’t you just wish people to be more sincere?

I’m still trying to adjust myself to survive in this environment. Come to think of it, maybe it’s not mainly and solely the job alone that is making me feel sick and tired, but all these “games” people play with one another. Maybe it’s just the beginning, maybe there’s more to it. I just pray that I’ll be okay.

It wasn’t easy writing this because I think it’s too personal to talk about but it’s the real thing that has been bothering me and I feel so much better having written it. As the words flowed, the tears did too. It’s just another way of letting it out.


  • Siah says:

    I have not yet been working in the society, so I do not exactly know how it’s like to experience that side of people (although I have heard a lot about it).

    From your description, it’s really a very cruel and cold environment. I think it’s the colleagues and not the job that you hate so much. Either way, I think it’s a little shock culture we experience since you’re born and bred in Sandakan, non? Sandakan people are much more sincere, true and straightforward I guess.

    You must be feeling really bad. Hang on in there, Grace. Very soon you’ll be leaving this place for the better.

  • Grace says:

    Siah: It’s cruel but I always tell myself that there might be cases worse than what I’ve seen. That way, I’ll feel better and continue to move on.

    Would say people from smalltowns are pretty more straightforward whereas it’s different in a big city because life is more competitive. Not everyone is bad though, you just need to trust the right person at the right time.

    I’m still hanging on to the knot of my rope and hope to swing to a better tree! 😛

  • irresistablyme says:

    Perhaps something’s happened in her life (eg a breakup/family problem) and therefore she is not in the mood to talk? And because you see each other so much, she felt comfortable enough to be herself with you?

    Well, a different interpretation anyway 🙂

    BTW, I love the poem your dad gave you. Now every time I feel bad, I try to remember: “It’s God’s way to make our spirits strong”.

    Hang in there! 🙂

  • Grace says:

    irresistablyme: A different interpretation but very possible possibilities. Maybe I could try to look at it that way.

    The problem is I can be very much affected with her mood so when she’s a bit off side, I’d feel a little over the edge too.However, I believe the situation has not come to a dead end yet so I’ll just hang in there.

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