My Heart Died Again Today

Life is very funny.

It wasn’t the route I would usually take but today I somehow took that route, made that plan to get dinner at the foodcourt. Was happily walking until I saw someone. I could only see his back and that was enough to make my eyes grow bigger and I was staring in disbelief trying to figure if it’s him. He was holding hands with a girl. She was in a formal work attire and her hair was tied up to a ponytail. He turned to face her so I could see his side face very clearly now. He gave her a light peck on the cheek. So endearing but at the same time killed every cell living inside me.

I present to you, my ex.

If I have had the guts, I would have walked right up to him and I just wanted to see how he would react. For those who know my story, I don’t think all of you knows the whole story. Only a few close ones know the whole truth and they would understand why it is making me so mad. But I didn’t have the guts so I was walking towards another direction before I decided to maybe…face them. But I lost sight of him..I saw the girl walked in to a shoe shop without him and that’s about it. I was then walking aimlessly with my heart racing so fast. I just wanted myself to calm down.

I have always been having this scene played in my head after he disappeared on me. Although I was very much in love in him, I was also very much in doubt all the time because he’s just the way he is. Always and will always never run out of girlfriends. He is smart. He knows a way to a girl’s heart. Today, this scene is slapped right in front of my face and I’m speechless.

And the timing that this is happening reminds me of the same time last year. It was also around this time that he disappeared for good. Last year’s birthday that I had…was the worst one I had in my entire life. He forgot to wish me…or should I say chose not to wish me. It was already in his game plan to make me go crazy, to break my heart. I won’t feel that bad even if there was no big or fancy celebration. All I wanted was someone to remember, to wish me. That’s really all that I ask for.

So this coming Thursday is going to be my birthday and I’m in this shit now. I’ve been telling myself that I’m going to have a good birthday. I AM NOT GOING TO LET THE PAST HAUNT ME. I’VE HAD ENOUGH! ENOUGH OF ALL THIS CRAP AND SHIT! He can have all the girlfriends he wants. I don’t bloody hell want to care anymore.

Now please forgive me if I say some guys are pure bastards! Why is it so hard to just tell me you don’t love me anymore? Why must you hide and avoid and not become a man? They just like to do things on purpose to make you angry, to make you sad, to make you act so weird because you are angry and sad..until you cannot take it anymore and you have no choice but to give up on your own. That’s their way. It’s not my first time and not the first guy who’s doing this to me so..guys out there who are reading this? Breaking up has got to have its courtesy too. Show some manners…tell the girl you don’t love her anymore. It hurts..but she would definitely appreciate your honesty and she will eventually understand and let you go. Don’t play all this stupid tricks to torture the girl.

Anyway, I drove home not in the right state of mind. Came home and saw a letter in the mailbox. A birthday card from Iris in UK. Tore it open and read it. So nice and heartwarming, just total opposite of what I was feeling..and that was like the last straw, cried a bit.

But I’m crying like a fountain now as I’m writing this. God.

There is a reason why I must see what I saw today. And why I say life is funny is because it’s always when I take a different route that I get something out of the blue. Like how I took a different route home years back, only to get mugged by a snatch thief. You don’t really know why you take that different route but when something happens and you sit down and anaylse the whole thing, I still can’t explain why but it’s just…when things happen, they will happen.

Well, at least it is showing me and teaching me something. I’m very careful about walking alone and being very alert with the environment and surrounding. And now, it teaches me to see that he can live without me, his life goes on without me. Life has just reemphasised to me that he is out of my life.

I’ve been doing okay all this while until I saw him and her today. Even if you don’t love a person anymore and you see such scene, you’d feel something, won’t you? Because after all, you’ve loved that person before and that he didn’t give you a closure that makes it hard for you. But again, like I said…I’m just going to cry today and tomorrow it’s going to be another day. A better day.

It’s okay if God decides I have to meet a few wrong ones first. It’s okay if I have to go through all that it takes before I get the right one.

I will meet the right one.

I will love him.

I will really make sure I love him.

He will love me too.

And I will make sure he loves me.


  • gracieq says:

    I understand how you feel and what you are going through.

    Men are just being men. Even if they do eventually tell you that they have stopped loving you, they will let you go through hell and sorrow before gearing themselves up to finally admit that there is no more love in their heart for you.

    It is easier said than done but hang in there. Everything happens for a reason. Even I am desperately holding on to this phrase for my sanity and to stop my heart from breaking all over again. Let us both grow stronger for we are both Grace and we are both strong people.

  • charlene says:

    Babe, I couldn’t agree more with what gracieq says. Everything happens for a reason.

    The best things in life is is always worth waiting for. I believe that someone is waiting for you too. For now Honey let me love enough of you first. 🙂

    Take care babe!

  • Grace says:

    Gracie: Yes, we are both strong people!

    charlene: Thank you. 🙂

    Don’t worry guys..I’m all up and running again. Life goes on and the heart will heal at its own pace.

  • pelf says:

    The thing is, Grace, there is no point in crying over somebody who hurt you so badly, somebody who didn’t care about your feelings (even as a friend, can you imagine it?!), somebody who just decided to “get lost”, somebody who is so irresponsible.

    The scene that you have just witnessed yesterday only confirmed ONE thing. That you can live, and very well too, without the good-for-nothing that you call your ex.


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