Year: 2009

Healing is not instant. I woke up still reeling from the blues. I’m trying and I know this blue will soon past..just maybe not today.

I was lying on the bed still recalling and thinking of what happened until I had to snap myself out of it. Today is going to be a day I’ll spend quality time with Pappy and being with him today kinda healed me a little even though he has no clue of what is happening. As I grow older, I face more problems. Some are results of mistakes of my own, foolishness of my own. And for some reason, I do not want Pappy to know any of those because I would like to deal it on my own, to fix my own problem, to learn how to solve it on my own because sometimes, it’s really really back to just you..I cannot always have someone to back me up..and there are things that you cannot hide or avoid. You got to face them head-on no matter how you dislike it. I’ve getting quite a few of those lately that I’m beginning to question what is really wrong. I don’t think I will have an answer to that and the only thing I can do is to solve it one by one. Some requires time but I know it will be eventually solved. Pappy has always been helping me for so long and I know he’ll always will when he sees the need to..and even when he doesn’t need to so…I need to be strong, try to kill whatever comes my way and still come out alive, still able to draw a smile on my face and just want Pappy to be proud of me, that I can handle things on my own.

This part of me..I learnt it from past relationships that went sour. I don’t know if it’s a good thing but I don’t like the idea of me being helpless, being too dependent on my partner that when I’m left alone, I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I don’t like to be in a situation like that because I know how it feels and I know how scary it can be. It has got its downside too…sometimes I don’t know how to ask for help when it’s really ok to ask for someone’s favour.

Breakfast with Pappy today was cool. We got lost in KL city, trying to find the way to one eating place in Jalan Ipoh but we found it anyway. Then, we tried the new DUKE highway because I was curious where it leads to. Pappy wanted to go to Subang Parade and we managed to get there using DUKE to connect to NKVE and then Subang.

Pappy will forever be my best boyfriend that I’ll ever have in my life. I love him beyond words.

You may read a few more posts like this because I’m fine-tuning my emotional being until I’m stable again.

Just when I thought there is a glimmer of hope, it is dashed yet again.

I think I’ll need to let this pass too.

One is lonely but this one will meet another one and then it’ll make a company.

This one has just got to wait and hang on a little while more.

Life is throwing little challenges at me, particularly during this period. I’ll let this be a period to strengthen myself. For some reason, I actually told myself after I’ve come to realization and much analysis that I think I’ve been good for too long. It’s time I fight for myself. To do something for myself.

Because I matter.

I need to write this before the clock strikes 12.

Thank you for all the SMS and messages in Facebook. The first SMS came at 12:40am while I was already fast asleep. Then I spent some time after brushing my teeth to reply to all the SMSes that accumulated while I was sleeping. I already feel like a celebrity!

Wore a dress to work, not like the usual Grace you see at the office. It’s my birthday so it’s got to be special. There was already a present on my desk when I got there. So nice.

I was surprised that some of them knew that it was my birthday. Then, someone spent me lunch. A colleague that I got to know very recently so I wasn’t expecting that she’ll do such a thing and it was really heart warming. We had Japanese food.

During mid-afternoon, the reception called me on the phone to inform me I’ve got a letter from City-Link. Pappy sent me a card and he sent it to the office. My pappy is sweet and romantic and the card that he sent made me laughed so hard when I opened it at home. There was a picture of 2 birds. One was standing on the ground. The other is sitting on the clothes line with a computer and wore a shirt that says “I love my computer”. The one standing on the ground asked the bird on top “What are you doing up there?”

When you flip open the card, the bird on top replied “I’m on LINE!”

Did you get the joke? My Pappy is being sarcastic by saying I’m always online…on the computer.

The day continued with more SMS and I’m seen checking the phone from now and then.

Another friend who is working at another office tower where I worked gave me a present too. A computer cover and an UMBRELLA. At first, I thought it was her own umbrella since it was raining so when she said it was for me, I was kinda shocked. Haha. It’s the transparent kind and she told me it’s customised. When I opened the umbrella at home, I can’t help but smile. I’ve never seen anyone customise an umbrella in this way before. There are 4 heart shape on the top of the umbrella…little hearts. Then on one side of the umbrella,  it wrote “Nenek, I love you”. She calls me nenek because we used to rant a lot at work at my previous workplace. And I know she cut those alphabets to make those words. Hand-made.

Luckily I brought down my car keys because I didn’t know what to expect and didn’t want to bring the umbrella back to the office where everyone will be looking. So I went to the car and put the present before I went back up to the office. hehe

Then, I had dinner..also Japanese with two other colleagues, whom I call friends. A little cake and good company for the night.

Thank you guys! I’m very happy and touched! 🙂

Life is very funny.

It wasn’t the route I would usually take but today I somehow took that route, made that plan to get dinner at the foodcourt. Was happily walking until I saw someone. I could only see his back and that was enough to make my eyes grow bigger and I was staring in disbelief trying to figure if it’s him. He was holding hands with a girl. She was in a formal work attire and her hair was tied up to a ponytail. He turned to face her so I could see his side face very clearly now. He gave her a light peck on the cheek. So endearing but at the same time killed every cell living inside me.

I present to you, my ex.

If I have had the guts, I would have walked right up to him and I just wanted to see how he would react. For those who know my story, I don’t think all of you knows the whole story. Only a few close ones know the whole truth and they would understand why it is making me so mad. But I didn’t have the guts so I was walking towards another direction before I decided to maybe…face them. But I lost sight of him..I saw the girl walked in to a shoe shop without him and that’s about it. I was then walking aimlessly with my heart racing so fast. I just wanted myself to calm down.

I have always been having this scene played in my head after he disappeared on me. Although I was very much in love in him, I was also very much in doubt all the time because he’s just the way he is. Always and will always never run out of girlfriends. He is smart. He knows a way to a girl’s heart. Today, this scene is slapped right in front of my face and I’m speechless.

And the timing that this is happening reminds me of the same time last year. It was also around this time that he disappeared for good. Last year’s birthday that I had…was the worst one I had in my entire life. He forgot to wish me…or should I say chose not to wish me. It was already in his game plan to make me go crazy, to break my heart. I won’t feel that bad even if there was no big or fancy celebration. All I wanted was someone to remember, to wish me. That’s really all that I ask for.

So this coming Thursday is going to be my birthday and I’m in this shit now. I’ve been telling myself that I’m going to have a good birthday. I AM NOT GOING TO LET THE PAST HAUNT ME. I’VE HAD ENOUGH! ENOUGH OF ALL THIS CRAP AND SHIT! He can have all the girlfriends he wants. I don’t bloody hell want to care anymore.

Now please forgive me if I say some guys are pure bastards! Why is it so hard to just tell me you don’t love me anymore? Why must you hide and avoid and not become a man? They just like to do things on purpose to make you angry, to make you sad, to make you act so weird because you are angry and sad..until you cannot take it anymore and you have no choice but to give up on your own. That’s their way. It’s not my first time and not the first guy who’s doing this to me so..guys out there who are reading this? Breaking up has got to have its courtesy too. Show some manners…tell the girl you don’t love her anymore. It hurts..but she would definitely appreciate your honesty and she will eventually understand and let you go. Don’t play all this stupid tricks to torture the girl.

Anyway, I drove home not in the right state of mind. Came home and saw a letter in the mailbox. A birthday card from Iris in UK. Tore it open and read it. So nice and heartwarming, just total opposite of what I was feeling..and that was like the last straw, cried a bit.

But I’m crying like a fountain now as I’m writing this. God.

There is a reason why I must see what I saw today. And why I say life is funny is because it’s always when I take a different route that I get something out of the blue. Like how I took a different route home years back, only to get mugged by a snatch thief. You don’t really know why you take that different route but when something happens and you sit down and anaylse the whole thing, I still can’t explain why but it’s just…when things happen, they will happen.

Well, at least it is showing me and teaching me something. I’m very careful about walking alone and being very alert with the environment and surrounding. And now, it teaches me to see that he can live without me, his life goes on without me. Life has just reemphasised to me that he is out of my life.

I’ve been doing okay all this while until I saw him and her today. Even if you don’t love a person anymore and you see such scene, you’d feel something, won’t you? Because after all, you’ve loved that person before and that he didn’t give you a closure that makes it hard for you. But again, like I said…I’m just going to cry today and tomorrow it’s going to be another day. A better day.

It’s okay if God decides I have to meet a few wrong ones first. It’s okay if I have to go through all that it takes before I get the right one.

I will meet the right one.

I will love him.

I will really make sure I love him.

He will love me too.

And I will make sure he loves me.

I attract to my life whatever I give my attention, energy and focus to.

星期天。天气晴朗。 心情却不是那么晴朗。寂寞…

一大早醒来，不知道要怎么打发时间。可以做的事很多。例如打扫屋子。。。但是我就是没那个冲劲去抬起那部吸尘机。想了老半天，觉得写一遍短文最好！不要理那些看不懂中文的人，我今天就是想用华语写一写这几天的点点滴滴。 看得懂中文的你，一定要感到自豪哦！

上个星期五，约了个朋友去逛街。吃了一顿很好吃的越南餐。

—

TUZKI (兔斯基)

我想我俩还偶尔生活在童年时代，所以自然而然的会踏入礼品店。绕了整间礼品店，很不幸的给我遇到一本超可爱的笔记本 (不幸是因为我可能又要破费了）。一本兔斯基的笔记本。一共有三种不同的封面。我选择了封面写着 “孤独是一种态度” 的那一本，因为觉得那本很有性格！我就站在那边欣赏里面的内容。 我那么喜欢兔斯基是因为它很简单，但简单得来却能表达出很多不同表情。总之，我就是爱死兔斯基。

回到家，又重新翻阅买了的笔记本，默默地，静静地，享受这一种快乐。

—

MY HONEYMOON

很想尝尝这间港式甜品店很久了，就是没有伴。一个人去的话，会令人觉得怪怪的，寂寞的。里面的装饰，令你觉得很有文化因为墙壁是一片无止尽的图书馆。也不知道书和甜品有什么关系。我选了一碗黑芝麻糊。为什么我喜欢黑芝麻？因为它黑黑的。哈哈哈！（不好笑）

这间甜品店有一个卡通人物。你在菜单上能看得到，但是就是没想到，吃甜品的汤匙也印上这个卡通人物。它能让你吃的不甜吗？更出乎意料的是，当你喝完了那碗甜品后，你又会在碗底的表面看到那个卡通人物。我在喝我的那一碗黑芝麻糊的过程，一直说 “很可爱！很可爱！” 也可能我想太多，我对我的朋友说：“下一次，若我的孩子不要吃饭时，我会用这个办法。我会去买至少五种不同的碗碟，哄他吃饭。他一定会吃，因为他会很迫不急待得把饭吃完，很想去猜碗底是哪个卡通。”

—

李圣杰

我很爱他。爱他的歌。爱他的歌声。爱他的歌词。我一个人唱就唱了两个小时。就是对这电脑唱。从半夜唱到凌晨两点。

这就是我的星期五！

I’m happy and I’m also not happy today.

I’m not going to give up just yet. Message was clearly conveyed but was not fully accepted.

Maybe I should focos on the happy stuff today because I’ve got one more door opened…and I want to walk into that door.

Hello!

I think I saw 2 gay dogs yesterday after dinner. Was walking back to the car with a friend and I saw 2 dogs. They are not very cute as in the puppy kind of cute but I had wanted to say cute because the two of them were like so friendly, walking and standing close to each other. Very loving like that lor.

Suddenly, one of them started climbing up on the other dog and “do” it. I was like, “Whoa!”

Then there were guys working inside a shop that saw it and was so happy enjoying the scene.

It was a very quick one so when the other dog who was up stood on the ground again, I saw both dogs have what a male dog should have so…the first thing that came to my mind, “I didn’t know a dog can be gay too.”

Anyway, it may or may not be gay. Maybe just practising his skills with a trusted friend. Not doing in but appears like he’s doing it. Maybe it was just pure illusion.

That’s yesterday’s story.

Today…I feel the need to express about something I feel strongly tomorrow. It’s been in my head and my heart for weeks already and it’s really not going anywhere unless I am being vocal about it. May or may not get what I expect to get but at least I should try in getting the message across. At least, I know I’ve tried to fight for it and it’s better than sitting down whining and expecting people to read my mind.

Quite excited and look forward to that actually because I’ve always been the kind that silently accepts, always agreeable but I really think for this time, I cannot continue to dwell in this. I need to do something for myself before I sulk further and become unhappy because I can already see the symptoms. My facial expression is not as cute anymore and I certainly do not want to look grumpy.

I need courage!

Do, or do not, there is no try.  – Yoda

Don’t you just hate it that you know he’s not there but you keep restoring your MSN window to see if he’s there?

And when you see him there, you keep guessing if he’ll talk to you first?

Then, you really can’t stand the wait anymore but you still resist yourself from making that first move.

Then, I said to myself, “SCREW THE RULES!”

TALK TO HIM!!!