Year: 2009

My Saturday was quite a disaster.

Morning went on as scheduled. Visited the dentist. I was the first patient for the day. Supposed to have my tooth extracted but it has been postponed again because I think it’s quite complicated, my dentist took another mould of my set of teeth for another round of research and study. I quite like that actually, instead of just simply extracting any tooth of mine to make space. I think he’s trying to save my teeth so he’s trying to extract as minimal as possible. He also showed me the before and after pictures. What a difference! 🙂

The next plan was to go shopping with my mum for some CNY goodies as she’s flying back tomorrow and would like to bring some CNY goodies back. Then my cousin sister called inviting us to attend her house-warming. Knowing that my aunt from Singapore is up in KL, Mummy wanted to meet her so there was a sudden change of plan to go for the house-warming instead.

Info given was that someone will pick us up at 12 something…but we ended up waiting till 2pm. My cousin sister told mum that the house-warming will be at 3pm and she will be home by then. Reached Klang at about 3pm but cousin sister is not back yet.

Guess what time she got back? I don’t know because we waited till 6pm. 3 FREAKING HOURS and she’s still nowhere to be found and the best part is the house-warming was actually a dinner. So I don’t know what the hell for we go there at 3pm. And that the host is not home and the guests got to wait for her?

I spent my time staring at the ceiling, table and the wall.

Reading Sin Chew Jit Poh for 3 times. Basically kept flipping the papers even though I’ve already read it. Repeated this process for 3 times…I almost gone crazy.

Then my aunt (cousin sister’s mum) knew that someone was on the way to pick us up to go home. She wasn’t please and kept insisting we heard the wrong information (so much for protecting her own daughter) and she was like nagging in a very nice way to me. In the end, I got quite sick of it that I just blurted out in a very nice way too that I have not had lunch because of the wait and my mum is flying home tomorrow and shopping is not fully done yet and no one informed us it was supposed to be a dinner. And because we didn’t drive there, we have to wait till all the guests who comes for the house-warming later in the evening to go home before the assigned driver can send us home. I just cannot imagine going through that already lor. God knows how long the dinner will last…considering that we already wasted 3 hours just waiting.

I will never leave my guests unattended. I mean it’s ok if it’s a crowd and you can’t personally see through everyone’s need but at least…..be at home la. Not out shopping..enjoying yourself and we have to wait you like you are don’t know who only.

So..that was how I spent my Saturday.

Tomorrow will definitely be better utilised than today. I will go shopping by myself when Mummy leaves. Then come home, and start with my office work. Not the kind of life I want to have but I’d have to make do with it now because that’s the only choice I have.

I can’t wait for Chinese New Year!

…tapi hari ini cerah sikit.

Yes, my friends, I cried. I presume it’s a monthly ritual. But it was just a small drizzle, not the raining cats and dogs kind.

This morning when I was walking to the car, ada juga rasa macam air mata akan menitis tetapi dihirup balik in the name of “ketabahan”. Sometimes kita kena pertahankan ketabahan kita walaupun kita rasa koyak sekali.

Dalam masa sehari ini, kepala saya memang sakit sebab kena menelan informasi yang keterlaluan dan kompleks dalam jangka masa yang singkat. Saya memang khuatir jika kesesakan lalu lintas akan berlaku dan fius otak saya akan terbakar tiba-tiba.

Saya ni dah tidak berapa minat nak bercakap dah. Dah lah senyap, bertambah lagi senyap kebelakangan ini. Untuk melegakan hati, saya terus meresap informasi yang tidak siap saya menelan sepanjang hari tadi malam ini sebab dah kesuntukan masa. Syukurnya, dapat juga saya memahami sedikit sebanyak isi yang tersirat dalam ayat-ayat yang kompleks. Tetapi…tak siap juga malam ni..

Walau bagaimanapun, saya bukannya raksasa.. jadi untuk menyayangi otak, mata dan jantung saya, saya membuat keputusan untuk menyerah takdir saya esok dan mencuba sedaya-upaya untuk melaksanakan tugas dengan sebaik dan secepat mungkin.

Jikalau saya gagal, sekurang-kurangnya saya tahu saya dah cuba sedaya-upaya.

Moga-moga matahari akan terbit esok.

At times like these, I wish to have someone that I can talk to…over the phone. Talk like for hours or maybe a few minutes but feeling like we’re talking for so long, long enough to have my grouses spilled out, my dreams shared, my events pictured out, my life documented.

I don’t know when was the last time I ever did that. It’s that long, it’s so sad.

You will be reading very sad and emotional entries from me until I recover. There ain’t gonna be any significant recovery until I know what’s really wrong with me. I don’t normally show it in public. The most I appear quiet and cool but you have no idea how much is going through my mind. I may laugh for a while and I can still make others laugh and will continue to do so but at the end of the day, when I drive back home from work, I come back sighing? Then I look at the clock and see that I only have 2-3 hours before I need to sleep and the routine starts again tomorrow. When I’m alone in front of the computer, just me and my blog and no one else, I will peaceful..because then I start to talk in the form of writing.

I miss Pappy now that he’s flown back to KK for work. He annoys me on some occasions when he was here. He sometimes doesn’t realise he offended people with his words but because I love him and can understand his characteristics and behaviour, I forgive and love him and miss him all over again.

I’m going to miss Mummy too. I was hugging her tummy yesterday. She has decided to extend her stay until this weekend because I might need to get my tooth extraction this Saturday and she wants to see that I’m okay. I do not want her to worry and I will not force her to go back just because I think I will be okay. I put myself in her situation when one day I’m a mother and I want to love and care about my children…it would be sad if my children doesn’t allow me to love and care about them. I understand my mum needs to do something to feel contented. She’s going to cook up a storm in the kitchen before she leaves because she will forever think that I CAN NEVER COOK FOR MY LIFE. No matter how I dislike being regarded that way, I think I must accept that I indeed cannot cook as well yet, at least to my mum’s definition of “I Can Cook” and that my mum needs to do what she thinks she needs to do as a mum…..so I think I better shut up and be loved.

Dear Iris, I hope you get your visa soon. Otherwise, it’s fated that you have to come back to Malaysia and get stuck with me. Thank you for being my little sister.

Dear God, please give me the strength to get through this week.

Dear Ducky, I know I know…I’m coming. Let me brush my teeth, I’ll join you in bed soon. Remember to appear surprisingly delighted when I walk in to the bedroom later.

And so the sad feeling lingers on….

It was so apparent that Mummy asked me why I looked so sad while I was having my daily plain oats for breakfast. I have been worrying if I can cope for the past few days..which isn’t exactly the way I wanted to start the new year. Today it felt like I’m just dragging on…a bit like standing on the edges, trying to balance myself so that I don’t fall off. I’m trying to say Yes I can Do it when the other part of my mind wants to quit.

I can already smell the tears that is waiting to pour on my pillow.

Good nite people.

I love you still, if not more than yesterday.

I LOVE ROBBIE WILLIAMS!

Okay, just a random statement that I need to get out of my chest. I just like him very much.

This morning while I was brushing my teeth, I felt very sad. Sad that I’m going to work. I feel afraid when this feeling visits me because I just don’t know what’s the root cause of it and hits you when you least expect it. So I’m going to give myself a few months time to really think about what I want to do. Sometimes I just feel that this is not my calling yet. Sometimes I want to try different kinds of jobs to experience different things. May not be good for career progress but will definitely make my life more interesting and versatile. It’s easier said than done because when I actually decide to quit a job, it takes me a lot of time, especially when I think there’s still something that I can hold to, something I can contribute to, something that I can learn, something I should presevere on no matter how shitty it gets.

And for some reason, I will not go for my dream job. I’m even afraid to reveal to you what my dream job is. Not that it’s is disgrace but I just want to keep it as my dream job. Dream only. hahahaha

Sometimes it’s about the pay..my dream job doesn’t pay much as compared to now. In reality, we need money to survive kan? So adakalanya I will focus on the jobs that will bring me more increment as I progress because I need to be financially independent. So that’s why sometimes we cannot have it all. And for some reason, I don’t know why I feel so old today.

And now my mum is SMSing me from the room asking me to give my  eyes a rest. She’s lying on the bed about to fall asleep. Gosh..I  have to go to bed lah.

Challenging days ahead…and I really mean challenging days ahead. Maybe that’s why I felt sad today because I’m worried if I can cope. I die die also will say I will survive one but surviving can be so many ways. Surviving happily or surviving secara nyawa-nyawa ikan way.

Whatever it is, I think I need to come out with a list so that I’ll be clearer of the goals I want to achieve.

Good nite people. I love you so much for still reading me even though I know I confuse you most of the times.

Well…something that I find very funny and put a smile on my face today was when a caller told the radio DJ that one of his new year resolution is to actually find a girlfriend because he’s lonely. I think I’d like to make that as my new year resolution too….to let someone discover me because I’m lonely too. ee hee hee hee. And if I must, I’ll make myself appear in front of him – whoever that may be, in the form of a bee (me) visiting a flower, or a carrot (me) brandishing in front of a bunny, a waffle (me) to accompany the ice cream, toothpaste (me) to go with the toothbrush, two lonely hearts to be one (me and him – whoever that may be).

Ok, I really must go.

And I really love you.

Spent the afternoon tidying up the study room and now it looks messier than ever before because I’m actually digging out stuff to either throw or keep so while I’m deciding, they’re now all over the place. It’s like a war zone here in my house because I moved some of the things temporarily outside of the studying room to the living room and dining table.

Changed the position of my computer table. Was facing the windows before this (due to some fengshui reason by my uncle…never got to change it because afraid Pappy will get upset about it..but now I don’t care already).  I’ve moved it so that the window is on my left. Somehow it feels breezier this way. More space for the room, or so it seems. I’ve been wanting to change the position anyway…so finally got to do it today. The amount of dirt accumulated is just so fantastic.

Sometimes I cannot believe the amount of junk I keep.

What is out:

• Some of my old textbooks. If I were to keep it for 10 years, I don’t think I’ll read it. So why keep it if I’m not going to read it?
• Envelopes. I keep every single envelope whenever I get a bill posted to my house. This is used to wrap *ahem ahem* during that period of the month but there are just too many envelopes already. I’m going to get new mails anyway.
• Some documents of my first job. I guess my first job is somewhat like my first love.
• A few photos of people that I used to love but I don’t love anymore. Everytime I look at it, it gives me a thorn. Thorn is bad for the heart.

What is still in:

• Some of my old textbooks of my favourite subjects in college. I just don’t have the heart to dump it yet.
• Training materials of my first job. I don’t know what’s this for but I just don’t feel like disposing off them.
• Journal entries written for English class during my foundation year. 6 of them. 3 with Grade D. 2 with Grace C- and the final journal with Grade B- (just because I praised my English teacher and how I enjoyed English class). I wrote very innocent and ridiculous journals back then. Ridiculous because what you wrote then doesn’t apply now anymore and I don’t even know why I wrote the things I wrote but I was laughing away reading what I wrote and then put it back into the file. This will re-surface when I do the next spring-cleaning. Let’s see how many spring-cleaning I’ll go through before I finally dump those journals as well.
• 2 boxes of hand-written birthday cards, love cards and love letters.

More things to be dumped tomorrow. Some will go to the donation for charity box.

Tomorrow’s the last day to enjoy before my life gets hectic again. I see stressful days ahead but I WILL SURVIVE!

I spent the first day of 2009….EATING.

Breakfast: Dim sum

Lunch: Fish slice noodle

Dinner: Rice with a few ordered dishes (Curry Fish Head, Steamed Fish, Fried Vege, Fried Pork Knuckle)

New washing machine will come tomorrow. yay!

I’m working tomorrow. yay! (It’s time I go back to work, at least I feel more productive. Tomorrow is just one working day before I greet the weekend again. So it’s a good day to start my working life for 2009, change my calendar from 2008 to 2009, change to my new bag that I’m bringing to work tomorrow and warm up to more challenging days ahead!)

Mummy will fly home soon and I think I’ll miss her this time. Even though I said I hope she’ll go back soon but now I can’t help but feel that I’ll be missing her. Selalunya begitu. But it’s alright because I’ll be home in another 3 weeks. Can’t believe time flies…I need to get the CNY deco all done for my house by next week. Time to take out all the red ribbons again. Then I’ll get to do another round of CNY deco in Sandakan when I get back! This is my favourite task!

I’ve not really come up with a new year resolution yet. Haven’t really give it a good thought but I think it’s going be as the same as last year because there are things which I need to continously practice and some things are not even done yet. But that will be a separate entry…it’s bedtime and have a good day at work tomorrow!

And remember to buckle up at the back! It’s RM300 fine or RM2000 fine from July onwards or one year jail or both.

Had dinner at Hanazen Japanese Restaurant in Jaya One. VERY NICE! There was no traffic jam (because I was against the traffic) but really…there were less cars than I expected. Maybe most of them were going elsewhere.

Uhm…I thought I saw him. Was passing by this cafe and just had this glance of a guy and it looked like him from afar. Suddenly just felt scared of bumping into him. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m feeling the way I feel. I guess I just don’t know how I should react if I really did meet him.

Anyway…we went straight home after dinner and waited for the clock to strike 12. Iris called minutes before midnight and I was talking to her on the phone while watching the fireworks of both One Utama and The Curve from the bedroom. 🙂

Parents didn’t make any fuss today. VERY GOOD. hehe

Tomorrow we will go shopping for a new washing machine, new air-conditioner and new TV (this one I have to fight for Pappy because Mummy doesn’t like the idea of it). I don’t mind not having a new TV or a new air-conditioner…I just want a new washing machine.

Oh God, I’m 27.

Yea..I know..my birthday is in July and I’ll only be 27 officially then but if someone were to ask me how old I am. It’s going to be 27.

After writing what I wrote yesterday, a different kind of light shed on me. Sometimes you need to write to get a clearer picture. I’ve been surpressing myself not to write about it because it somehow felt wrong to feel that way to my parents…but then it was really how I actually felt and I wasn’t sure why I was feeling that way. Writing it out helped to put things into perspective and for some reason, I actually had peace with myself. Didn’t care if I didn’t get to celebrate new year’s eve with my friends and was with my parents. I had an equally good time.

2009 will start off a little painful for me. Tooth extraction is 9 days after today…if my dentist sees the need to. I think it’s going to happen 80%. I will have 2 weeks to recover..not sure if the gap will narrow as quick as it can before Chinese New Year…and I should be able to eat properly by Chinese New Year. I must remember to have a hearty and heavy breakfast before I get my tooth extracted. Foresee that I won’t be able to bite for the weekend. *sweats*

I got this really nice SMS.

Life is like a book – everyday has a new page, with adventures to tell, lessons to learn and tales on good deeds to remember. Have a good episode in the coming year. May 2009 be a blessed year of great success, happiness and above all, good healthy! Happy New Year!