Category: Life

The bathroom light decided to die on me. It’s been about 2 weeks already and I didn’t get a new tube light until tonight. I paid and asked if the guy at the cashier can help me test if it’s working. He pretended or didn’t seem to hear me at first so I repeated and he still showed no sign like I exist. I asked for the third time and he told me the light has been tested, it works fine. Pissed because I just felt that he was lazy. I had no interest of picking an argument so I came home and changed the tube light. It worked so I was not so pissed anymore.

This scenario here reflects me in some way. Sometimes when I get into a problem, I tend to let it sit and grow. It’s like there’s something that’s holding me back. That something…is me. My heart. My mind. I have this ability to talk myself into fear. I waver. I think too much.

I could have got the new tube light a day after the bathroom light stopped working but I waited so long till I get it replaced.

Of course, I have another situation bigger than a dead bathroom light and the problem has grown so big, I don’t know what comes next. I’m telling myself I’m ready for anything that may come my way. I’ve not been in this situation before so it’s only normal I’m scared. But being scared isn’t going to help me solve it. Being afraid only makes me stay put at the same spot and that only frightens me more.

I have been taking baby steps of courage to get out of it but I don’t think it’s good enough. I need to take a bigger step no matter how scared or timid I am now. Tomorrow I’m going to do just that. I definitely hope for the best but I need to be ready for the worst.

I really wished I could tell you what it’s all about but I’m so embarrassed to actually write it out here. I’m just ashamed of my foolishness, silliness, trusting-people-too-easilyness, naiveness. I think I can only spit out once I really get this solved. It’s not something that will be solved overnight but I want to be on the path of making it right and putting an end to it.

Gracie, you can do this! Be brave!

and so today I received my first birthday gift from someone I least expected it from…because we had a period of “not befriending each other” to “not-contacting each other” to “just-allowing-time-to-do-its-thing” (for my case) and now “a-gift-that-says-happy-birthday, can-we-be-friends-again”?

Yes, it’s bunny-related. Not that I’m complaining but I’m always getting bunny gifts. Muahaha!

A simple, cute and heart-warming gift. The bunny’s stomach has got a keychain and you can slip the keychain in or out to get your keys. Just imagine the bunny is protecting the key and only the owner, which is me, has the privilege to retrieve it. I don’t know how to explain and I’m writing in the middle of the night and I’m overdosed with Korean songs and have not since recovered from my hangover of “Best Love/Greatest Love” Korean drama….so pardon me.

And when I thought I’m the only crazy one…I heard someone humming my favourite song as of now in the office. When I left work today, I made a stop at her workstation and asked her about the drama, of which the  OST she was humming to. It’s so nice to have someone sharing something you like.

그만 자자 (Let’s get some sleep!)

It’s rare that I get to come to work later. I totally loved it when I woke up listening to the pitter patter of the raindrops. I laid out the yoga mat which I’ve not touched for close to 3 months. Did my stretches. Ate my apple while watching the last half of Ice Age 3 on TV. Had a nice warm bath. Dressed nicely. Pumped petrol and went to work. When I arrived, everyone was out for lunch so I get to enjoy the quietness for a while.

I went down to tabao my lunch. Worked while listening to some lovely Korean songs.

This is what I call bliss. （￣ー￣）

This is the first weekend after 3 months that I’m finally able to sit down, relax and have a moment to myself. I love this personal space of mine and I missed it so much.

Mummy went back yesterday after her long visit to KL. Mummy has problem letting go…which in return resulted in me acting the same way. Mummy is still protective as ever, sometimes I think maybe the problem lies in me. She’s so worried…she just can’t let go. There are things that she shouldn’t worry too much about but she’s doing so much that sometimes it drives me crazy. Not that I hate it but I guess when you grow older, you have your own set of opinion which doesn’t always match that of mum’s.

When she flew back yesterday, I couldn’t help to feel a sense of relief. I’ve not gone anywhere with any of my friends for the past 3 months because every weekend, I would be accompanying Mummy. She is not the kind that would go out and explore or do things on her own. She needs someone by her side so being a daughter, it’s only right that I become that companion. Sometimes I wished I was with my friends or I could have a day off just to myself but it’s not that simple. Then, it kinda dawned upon me that I don’t really have many friends too anyway. okay…that’s another story.

When I hugged her on the day she flew back, just before I leave for work, I told her not to worry so much about us and to take good care of herself. My heart started to sink already.

Then when I finally drove off to work…tears started flowing. I missed her already.

The other day we were having our mother and daughter talk at the kitchen. I was teasing her and asked if she thinks she has accomplished what she wants to do in life. She said yes…she thinks so and she only hope for 2 things now. One is to be healthy and happy. The other is to see her daughters to get married and to be in good hands.

I guess that’s what makes her worried, worried that I won’t be in good hands and more importantly, not in anyone’s hands now.

“How can you be so pretty but there’s no one?”

I just told her it’s just that I’ve not met him yet. And if she keeps saying I don’t have anyone, then I would really be with no one. In some way, I just wanted her to stay positive and at the same time to assure myself that there will be that someone.

Finally…I can sit back and relax a little.

1. I really love my new laptop. The JBL speakers on my Dell is  just so awesome, it makes it hard to believe they are laptop speakers.
2. Went on a blind date. The guy is ok but I’m not attracted to him. Something might be wrong with me.
3. Still recovering from the annoying cough. It attacks me out of a sudden and I’ll need to cough a few loud cough and then try to calm it down. Then it repeats.
4. Changed seating place at work. Kinda like the new place, albeit a little colder, a little noisier and with a little less freedom.
5. I’m finally learning to construct sentences in Korean.
6. Salary increment letter is here!
7. I think I finally found my dream moisturiser. Laneige Water Bank  Hydro Gel.

I’m upset today. Maybe because I expected better.

I’m upset because I do my best everyday but that itself is not enough to some people.

I’m demotivated because it makes me feel that doing my best and doing so-so gets me to the same place too.

I’m still going to do my best like I do everyday but I don’t know how the future will unfold for me. Is it worth the effort?

I don’t know how to write this but I really feel like crap now.

The moment I reached home after work, I downed a piece of bread because I was too hungry and then put a round of laundry to wash. Vacuumed. Hang the clothes. Mopped. Scrubbed the toilet floor and walls but I gave up half way because the scrub isn’t helping me to remove the grime. Hand already aching.

Changed bedsheets, put another round of laundry to wash, folded clothes and Iris is back to fetch me out for dinner.

“You smell like Pappy after tennis.”

“Sorry, was cleaning the house, no time to bathe.”

Came home, hang 2nd round of clothes, clean kitchen, bathe.

Continue with hiding my stuff and documents. Now I’m lying on the bed with a smile. At least I know mummy will come home to a clean house tomorrow.