Writer is going to Muar for a wedding. I like to attend weddings because it signifies the beginning of a real love story. I think when you are dating, it’s some sort like a warming up because the road ahead is just so long.
And I know I’ll be asked the “most important question”.
Do you have a boyfriend?
I used to feel lousy when I say I don’t have a boyfriend. But now, I don’t really care. I’m happy to be single and available as of now. It’s like I rather stay alone than to be stuck in a lousy relationship.
Had a farewell lunch /welcome lunch the day yesterday at Ericsson. Nice place. Next time should go work there. 😛
Had to introduce myself to everyone in the department. The question popped up too. And so I proudly announced that I’m single and available.
Pappy is fine with me. I think he thinks like me too. And sometimes I think he doesn’t want me to have a boyfriend lor. Haha. I just feel so lah.
Mummy is a bit excited. Always asking me if there’s any guys available. Always asking me to put on some make-up because according to her, you won’t know who will be spotting you by the road side. But I never listen to her. She’s also always complaining about my face, my pimples. It’s not that I want them to appear on my face so much but then the pimples would just come.
I’ve been sleeping very early ever since I started working. Very very much earlier than my previous job. Stress level is lower too so I think it should help. Hopefully it’ll help. Anyway, sometimes I get very annoyed when Mum starts talking to me about my pimples again but …I can’t really say anything. How should I put this? Once it starts, I feel stress lor. I feel like I’m never good enough lor.
I don’t hate my mother okay? But I just need to write this out because it would make me feel better. I know her intentions are good which is why I never shout or rebuke unless I’m very very pissed. That’s the only way to look at the big picture. Mum says something, you don’t like. You try to analyse why she said that and think of the reason and no matter how bad you feel, you try to accept it because she’s your mother. But of course, sometimes when I cannot tahan, I’ll just blurt out because if I don’t voice out, mum would never know, even though sometimes she still appears like she’s not listening or she doesn’t understand but I just want to make sure she’s aware of what’s happening.
Sometimes I think my mum loves me too much. Pappy too, but he knows how to stop when I tell him I’m alright. Mum never stops. Simple stuff like during dinner outside, she would take food for me. I’m happy that she is doing that for me but sometimes I just don’t want her to do it for me. I don’t know if any of you understand what I’m talking about or am I alone here. If I don’t let her take for me, she won’t be happy. I mean it’s okay if I can’t reach the dish that’s placed at the far end of the table but sometimes I can just handle it on my own. To me, I think my mum loves me, cares for me. On the other hand, I would think others would think that I’m a baby that still needs to be fed. And I don’t like to be think of that way. I have once received a statement like that but I don’t know what to say. She wants to do it so I would have to allow her, even if it means I’m unhappy. I mean I don’t want her to worry about me that much. Simple things like taking my own food, I know how to do it you know?
Another thing is about going out with friends. Sometimes you just have no idea how hard it is to assure her that I’ll be fine. I argued with her once, just recently when I wanted to go yamcha with a few friends. I’m not even going out to pub, clubs or disco. I’m just going out for a simple yamcha with my simple friends. She said if my friends are not coming to pick me up then it’s better that I don’t go. What is this? I can’t be living like that forever you know? Then might as well I don’t ever step out of the house anymore lah?
That argument came when one fine day a few friends asked me out and I haven’t been seeing them for quite some time already. And honestly, I haven’t been out with any friends ever since mum is here. For about a month or so. Every weekend, I’m spending time with her, accompanying her to places that she wants to go. So when I wanted to go out with my friends for that short while, she argued with me and I was really so so so upset. It doesn’t sound like it’s a big matter but it’s been happening since I don’t know when and sometimes I get so upset, I feel like crying!!!
Reason being I’m 24 but I’m not treated like I’m one. The best part is when she would say why are you always at home, you should go out and mix around. Beats me!
“You won’t have time to do your laundry when I’ve gone back.”
When I heard this remark yesterday morning, I was angry. Even when she’s not here and with my sister around, I still have got time to do laundry so I don’t know what she’s trying to say here. I feel lousy, you know? Bloody lousy? Am I that useless?
I have not left my laundry unattended you know? It’s just because now mum is around and I’m away at work and she has all the time to do laundry and because of that she says I’m not doing it.
When I become a mother next time, I would give my children some space and some trust. It’s important to let your own children to learn to be independent no matter how worried you can be. I’m not a mother yet so maybe it’s easy for me to say but then I think you should allow your children to handle things on their own.
I can be very timid at times because I have protective parents that sometimes I feel caged. I can be very cautious at times, too cautious sometimes and when I’m too cautious, it’s not cautious anymore, it’s something else. Sometimes you just don’t know what to do when all this while someone has done everything for you. It’s bad.
Anyway, despite of what I’ve written, I still love my mum because I can understand why she’s doing the things she do even though I may disagree at some point of time. But I also wish that she would understand the other part of me. How I feel. I’ve never really been able to tell her how I really feel because I don’t know if it’s even right to begin with.
“Mum, can you stop taking food for me?” –> Doesn’t sound right, does it? Yup but I’ve said it for a thousand times but nothing has changed. I give up already. So long as my mum is pleased.
I can be pissed but so long as my mum is pleased.
Because when she’s pissed, it’s definitely another session of everything-that-I’m-never-good-enough-at.
And I know by writing this out, nothing is going to change as just yet. If I wasn’t able to understand, analyse and look at a bigger picture, I would have been a very rebellious kid. I have once felt a strong urge to leave home, when I was a teenager because it was so hard to comprehend the love my mum was showering upon me. It’s love poured out but interpreted differently. I used to talk to the sky, at the back of the kitchen and I would cry. The love was so hard to digest…but I’ve been learning to digest it over time. If Iris is here with me, I would have complain to her over bed time but now she’s not here to listen to me secara langsung and I definitely cannot wait for a delayed screening so I’m sorry to have you listening to my rants.
I’m still going to be Mum’s 24 year old baby.
My mum’s no monster and I still love her!
