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My mind has been occupied since Monday. Something is bugging me. Each time it re-surfaced, I pushed it back to my mind, telling myself I will deal with it later. This is a problem that has been following me for 2 years or more. I’ve never felt so helpless.

Today it got worse and while I was driving home after dinner with a friend, I didn’t feel good. I had this burning urge to make a phone call. Usually that person will not answer my call but this time I used a different number and he answered. I think he was shocked that I called and I was surprised that he answered since he has been avoiding all form of contact, phone call, SMS…for yeah…2 years or more. I’ve begged, I’ve scolded him, I’ve cursed, I’ve plead…you name it.

No one has ever done that to me.

Anyway, the problem is still not solved but I hope he means what he said. It will take some time but slowly and surely, I know this problem will be resolved. I used to be very very angry with this person. Very very mad. But when I decided to make that phone call today, I told myself I have to sound nice.

Now it’s back to bedtime stories time. I’m reading Eat.Pray.Love

This weekend will be a milestone for me. I’ll be doing things I’ve never done before. I’m excited, looking forward to it and at the same time worried. I may be scared by then, I’m not sure, I’m not scared now, but I’m amidst the feeling of uncertainty of how it will unfold that is keeping me restless.

I don’t want to be scared and I’m just going to do it!

I’m yet again addicted to another Korean series. There was a quote in the episode today that I really like, “Everything I set to do, I accomplish”

It’s late and I’m not asleep yet. I just wanted to calm myself down. It happened last night too, I’ve got so many things running through my mind, I was tired and sleepy but when I got on the bed, I just couldn’t sleep and I didn’t sleep well the whole night.

This morning I woke up, still with the many things because it won’t go away immediately, not right now. I don’t know when but I still need to keep moving. When I held on to the steering wheel this morning, I told myself, “It’s going to be a good day.” I must remind myself that no matter what happens, it’s up to me to make a choice of how I want to live my life.

I’ve been doing a lot of self-talking lately because frankly, I feel like I’m falling. I’m so reluctant to do the tasks I’ve set for myself. Simple things. A phone call away. A drive away. It feels like a chore. I’ve been procrastinating, so elegantly, crafting every possible excuses I can think of, to push it off another day. Then one day becomes so many days. And then I start to freak out and then I start doing things. And I really don’t want it to be this way.  I know no one can help me but myself.  There’s no one to pick me up but myself. And that’s why I need to write at times like these, though it won’t make sense but it helps me figure what’s going on internally.

Like now, I’m just going to pick myself up to go to the washroom and then make sure the next thing I do is sleep.

Gracie, 听话啦！说要活得健康，现在都几点了，还不要睡觉！

I’m upset that I left a scar on my toilet bowl. 🙁

I was cleaning the house today and was so eager when I cleaned the toilet bowl that I scrubbed a bit harder and a bit deeper than usual with the toilet brush. I felt something the brush scratching the toilet bowl but didn’t know what it was until I flushed and saw the paint being scraped off by the toilet brush. I put the brush too deep into the toilet bowl hole so the sides of the brush which had metal scraped the surface of it. My heart immediately sank because you know…I really love the toilet bowl. It’s a light pink toilet bowl and each time I wash it, I like to see it beaming in cleanliness. But from today onwards, it will leave a mark no matter how hard I scrub. 🙁

I know it’s not a big deal but it’s a bit of an eyesore and it will remind me forever, for as long as I’m using the toilet that there will be 2 lines….which may appear as grime, stain, if you don’t know they were actually scratched.

While I was watching TV, I still couldn’t get over it. I even thought of ways how I can save my toilet bowl. Like maybe paint it but then it’s impossible because the toilet bowl will always be filled with water. But then we can always stop the water supply to the toilet while I paint. Then I just brushed off the idea because…for God’s sake…it’s just a toilet bowl.

I hope I can get over this soon. I know. Yes. I am crazy.

It’s finally back to me, myself and Iris.

It’s back to handling and managing things on my own. I like the fact that I cooked dinner tonight, the day before yesterday and the day before that. I’m getting more conscious than usual of what I eat and how much I spend. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing though but then I must. I looked at my face and I see a dull complexion and I know no matter how good a product I use but if my body is full of toxin, it won’t help.

When I look at my bank account and my credit card statement, I know I must continue to stick to my budgeting every month to know where my money goes to.

Eating healthy and staying healthy is not a very easy thing to do. Why I’m saying this is because it takes time, effort and discipline and it’s harder when you get too busy, you get so engrossed with whatever you do, but to eat and stay healthy. I would say I’m lazy because I need to talk myself into just go to the fridge and cut myself an apple to eat…and sometimes it just never happens.

I need to be reminded…say maybe to place an apple at my face so that I remember.

Like how I’m placing my yoga mat on the floor next to my bed so that each time I wake up or before I go to sleep, I will surely see the yoga mat and I would get onto it and do my stretches and crunches. On Friday night, I was feeling a bit lonely, a bit depressed for no reason and so I get onto the yoga mat and just followed what my little “6-minute morning workout” book says. I didn’t realise it was an hour when I was done. From 6 minutes to 60 minutes, I’m so happy with myself because I wasn’t timing myself and I wasn’t looking at the clock. I just wanted to stretch until I’m satisfied like how you won’t switch on the alarm clock on a weekend and allow yourself to sleep till you think it’s time to wake up. I sweat a bit and I like smelling my shirt that has the sweaty smell. It just feels like the bad and dirty stuff is out of me even though it’s just a bit.

One thing about stretching is I like the little pain feeling you get when you stretch and work out  the muscles and also the improved flexibility days after days you practise stretching. I like it that I find myself stretching a little bit further today as compared to yesterday. And I know if I continue with those stretching exercises, I can only get better.

I have this sudden goal and that is to be a lady. Not that I’m a man now but I would like to be a fine lady. A lady who cooks well, performs well at work, organised, grooms well, learns something new each day and tries to improve herself constantly.

I’ve been very quiet lately, especially at work. Sometimes I don’t know where I placed my mind. Sometimes I think too long to give a response. I feel like I’m creeping back into my shell again when I know I can speak up, speak a little louder but a part of me just refuses to. I hope it’s just a phase.

It was just another day for me. Drove home from Melaka. A day spent with Mummy.

There’s a 3-month old puppy at my grandpa’s house that has gone missing for day. His name is Cola. My aunt and uncle thought it got stolen and were saying how cute the dog was and how sad they were. I’ve never seen him before so I have no idea how cute he can be.

It reminded me about the movie “Hachi” so I told my mum, the dog will surely find its way home. I just wanted to believe that the dog will come back.

We were talking outside of the house last night and when we were about to enter the house. I saw a dog from far. At first I thought it was the mother dog but it didn’t seem right. The dog was charging towards us. The way I saw it, I thought it was coming to bite me.

I froze until my aunt shouted “Cola”! It was still running and barking and then it bumped its nose onto my left leg and gave a good sniff. Turned around me and sniffed some more.

Everyone was very happy with Cola coming back. It was then left to roam about on it’s own until an hour later, my uncle decided to tie him up so that he doesn’t get lost again.

He couldn’t look for him. My mum called out for his name but there was no sign of him. Uncle was saying he may have wandered out again. I went out to join them looking for the dog. All of a sudden, a nose came bumping my left leg again.

I looked down and saw Cola. Very naughty!

I like him.

I’m at my grandpa’s house. This is my 2nd drive to Merlimau, just me and my mum. We stopped by at Melaka for lunch. I brought mum to the famous chicken rice ball at Chung Wah restaurant. Mum despite being a Malaccan, has never eaten chicken rice ball before. Can you imagine? Me the Sabahan had to bring her to taste it.

It’s my first time driving in Melaka town. Depended on Google map and managed to find Jonker Street. Happy that I got a parking spot too. I like driving around to new places like that.

There’s practically nothing to do here. No Internet access so I’m relying on my iPhone data plan. Iris didn’t tag along this time so I’ve got no one to talk to.

I was mad at my mum initially because I already have plans to meet up with a friend. I have postponed our meet-up twice, this would be the third because I had to drive mum to Melaka.

But I know I will feel uncomfortable to abandon my mum to take a bus down by herself. So I’ve got no choice to let my friend down again.

Usually when my parents are around, I’d have to sacrifice my me time and time with friends. It makes me go crazy sometimes but I always try to talk myself into thinking it is alright.

My sister is better at not feeling bad too much when she really needs to go out and socialise. I on the other hand sometimes cannot let past the feeling of guilt and thinking about leaving my parents alone.

Anyway it’s good to be away from the city and enjoy the kampung life over the weekend.

Love this song!

…is the song I’m listening to right now. It will be on my playlist for a while. It’s a soundtrack from the Korean series – Bread, Love and Dreams, I’m watching currently. Love this series to bits. Just watched 2 episodes and I’ve got 4 more to go before I finish the whole series. So very tempted to continue watching but I’m restraining myself, else I will not be sleeping.

I finally have my me-time to myself now. Everyone’s in the house is asleep. It’s just me, the song and the computer. It’s been awhile since I have this kind of me-time. Parents are here and work never stops flowing in. I hardly get to see my sister too because she is as equally busy, perhaps even busier. There are days where I’ll be awake before her and then I”ll be asleep before she gets home. Some days she’ll leave the house earlier in the morning while I’m still asleep. Just on Sunday, she told me we’ve not had a one-to-one session for quite some time. I would say a month because I was overseas and then we’ve both been busy since I came back.

Lately, I have a kind of dreamy feeling. Sometimes I find myself smiling to myself, for no particular reason. It feels like I’m in love but then there’s no one that I’m seeing, let alone love. And if I go deeper within, I feel the desire to love someone really badly. Weird but true.