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I’m in a bit of a mess. There is a lot that I’m thinking, I found myself wondering about the many situations, visioning the many possible scenarios, picturing how I would like things to turn out and unfold. This is something out of the daily routine I’m going through and it’s going to be quite an experience and adventure for me. I’m very excited and thrilled and at the same time worried. It was more of worrying at the beginning but as I get to do more research on my own, I have better knowledge of things and so the worrying part is decreasing.

I also found myself going through some of the same details 3 or 5 times. Planning the perfect itinerary. Reading, reading and reading every free time that I get.

I’ve not been cooking the entire week because there are too many things running through my mind and I’m just not capable of churning out meals when my mind is so heavy. My Japanese potato salad is very overdue. Hah! I’m only starting to clear my laundry, fold the clothes and iron them today.

Tomorrow I need to be more productive as this will be my last weekend before I travel. It is going to be a crucial week for me and I need to manage my time very wisely. Declutter myself. Turn back to the original Grace and just move forward.

I believe everything happens for a reason. The period when I have been staying alone, getting used to eating alone, going out alone, doing things alone and being alone…those are not that bad at all. I have learnt to be comfortable when being alone. The only challenge now is to take that and apply it in a different location, a new location which at first is very intimidating but I guess it’s just going to be the same. Maybe a little frightening the first day or two but I should be fine thereafter.

I want to be fine.

And now some sleep!

These 2 words are giving me a headache right now, in fact it has been about a week or so. I have this heavy feeling just thinking about it. I feel very uncomfortable. I’m due to fly next Saturday but I’m still stuck being in the waiting list. Aside harassing the agent from time to time, I don’t know what else I can do.

I cannot think straight and I keep telling myself that if it’s on the waiting list, it’s not something I can control so I should just stop worrying about something I don’t have control over. BUT THEN I CANNOT TREAT IT LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. I STILL NEED TO FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

i.am.so.stressed.

I’m praying everyday, every hour when I think of it that I’ll get a clearance soon.

Oh Dear God, please bring me good news tomorrow!

Went to have my eyes checked as I have been left with no choice but to get my spectacles replaced as it is not supporting me with the correct power since few years ago. Plus, I’ll be travelling soon and will be on the plane for more than 20 hours. I can’t be wearing my contact lens.

Reason why I never really get to get my eyes examined is because of fear. I have such high power, it not only scares me, it scares the others as well.

My power has increased after the test as expected and it has now hit 1100 and 1250 respectively. Certain contact lens brand has maximum of 900 only, so I have no choice but to switch to another brand that caters to 1200 and it’s double the price of my usual brand. My new specs cost a bomb too. I went for a really basic and cheap frame to make up for the high cost of my lenses. Pains me.

LASIK is ringing in my head but the earliest I’ll get that done is next year if I have enough funds and once my braces is off. That is if my eyes are suitable for such treatment.

I went to 2 optical shop. The first one told me my eyes are not stable and ask me to come back tomorrow. I didn’t like it and wanted a second opinion. I went to a smaller shop and the lady that tested my eyes was so patient and detailed. It wasn’t because my eyes were not stable but the eye strength was weaker on the left eye. 眼力 wasn’t good and the nearest translation I can get is eye strength, whatever that means.

She was kind enough to give me a pair of contact lens for free, to let me try out the increased power. And it looks like I’m going to have to buy because I can really see better with this contact lens. Buying a half year supply of contact lens and a pair of specs is costing me almost RM1k. Pains me even more.

I can only console myself that it’s a necessity and I need to take good care of my eyes.

People out there with no eye sight problems at all. I envy you because you guys are just so lucky!

Pappy flew back today. It’s not the first time because he occasionally visits us. I used to cry each time he flies back when I was in college but those were the days.

Today was an exception and I don’t really know why. We hugged each other before he walked out the door. I went back to the kitchen to wash something as I watched Pappy getting on to his friend’s car who would get him to KL Sentral.

As the car drove on, my tears dripped down for no explicit or explainable reason at that point of time. I asked myself what’s wrong.

I held back the tears so it was only two drops from each eye. But now that I’m writing this, it’s more than just two drops.

Pappy helped fix the light. Maybe it would be deemed as something a father should do but it was more than what a father should do for me. I liked the way he insisted to get it fixed even though it was already late. It was a tricky one as changing to a new bulb didn’t work but he got it figured out the next day.

I guess I was thrilled because I have been using a dark bathroom for more than 3 weeks because I tried changing the bulb too but it didn’t work.

I’m grateful for him being supportive throughout these few days when I’ve been pretty worried about very petty things that do matter. He didn’t help me out on solving any of those but I knew he was encouraging me and sharing the courage I ought to have. That’s more than enough for me.

I love you, pappy.

“Are you free to go to the wedding tonight?”

Pappy asked, which actually means “Can you come with me to the wedding tonight?”, or in other words, “You have to come with me to the wedding tonight”.

Knowing Pappy, when he asks you if you’re free, he’s actually expecting you to be free so yea….I went to the wedding with him. Something unplanned since I came to know about it at a very last minute.

It was a Malay wedding. I know it’ll be a grand one but it was more than that. It took my breath away. It was one of a kind.

There was a band that was playing some soothing music (pardon my lack of music knowledge to describe it specifically, I know there’s a term to the music being played but I don’t know what it is) at the cocktail reception. There were more Malays than Chinese like me so I felt a bit awkward in terms of dress code because most were wearing baju kurung and kebaya. I asked Pappy if the invitation stated any specific dress code for the ladies, he said no…it just said formal.

My little flowery dress and me felt relieved upon hearing that. I was expecting the wedding to start on time, not like the Chinese weddings that never starts on time. I was wrong. Dinner was only served at 9:30pm because we had to wait for the arrival of VIPs. It was ok because there was something about the atmosphere, the decor of the ballroom that excites me.

The moment I entered the ballroom, it’s pinkish. Dark pink lights shining from the ceiling. There were also cherry blossom trees placed along the aisle. It was free seating so we chose a table near to the exit/entrance. The moment I sat on the table. There were origami cranes on the table. A Japanese chest box for each of the guest and inside the chest box, there are 3 packets of Japanese nuts. I was so delighted in seeing the chest box and even more delighted knowing that I’m going home with it. 🙂

You seee….everything is just so nice.

Then, you can see on stage there’s the usual pelamin. What stood out was it was again infused with Japanese theme. There was a Japanese fan, Japanese curtains on the backdrop and Japanese plants on both sides of the pelamin.

The arrival of the VIP guests was accompanied with a Japanese tune and there goes the bersanding ceremony.

Dinner started off with maki sushi and miso soup. Nice! Next was rice served with beef, chicken, prawn and vegetables, all in one plate. Dessert was lovely. Green tea cheese cake and my favourite black sesame ice cream.

There was another band playing jazz throughout the dinner so I was very surprised when the emcee announced that Anuar Zain is here to sing too! I like that guy!!! He started with this first song…Sesucinya Cintamu. My heart terus melt because it was so nice. I love his voice.

This has got to be one of the nicest wedding I’ve ever attended.

It’s 1.43am and I’m still awake. I was planning and researching on my travel plan for 3 hours straight after dinner. I’m having a headache just having so many things running in my head.

The tedious part of planning for a holiday is always at the beginning. The other part is making sure if I’m brave enough to travel alone. This trip that I’m taking will be the trip of my life because I will be travelling very very far ON MY OWN!

I love travelling so it shouldn’t feel like it’s a pain but trust me this time, it’s different. I’m very excited but also scared at the same time so I guess I can call it thrilling.

I think I over-processed my brain which is why I can’t sleep now. I’m dead tired but I can’t sleep.

Maybe some milk would help.

My mind is very occupied. I should slow down a little before it explodes.

Had dinner with a friend on Friday and talked non-stop for 3 hours.

Spent Saturday and Sunday with Iris. Was trying to free my mind and just relax. And now that Monday is approaching, my Sunday near-bedtime is worrying me.

I think I should just go to bed, do whatever within my means from tomorrow onwards until I get everything settled.

It’s 2.56am, as good as 3 in the morning. I have this heavy feeling of wanting to do get a few things done and feeling like time is so little. That’s what keeping me awake suddenly, on top of the mosquito bites I’m getting.

I’ve been sleeping without air-condition for about 2 weeks now. It’s noisier with the window open. Stupid cars with loud engines would zoom by sometimes.

I’m back to turning it on just awhile ago because I’m stressed. I don’t like this feeling. It’s like there’s an auto reminder machine growing in my head. It’s bedtime, I can’t do any of the things I want to do and it can wait till morning but the heart longs to do it because I’m not sure how I’m going to cope.

Dear God, please give me strength and courage to get through August and September. Im feeling rather overwhelmed even though they are not here yet. Thanks for an exciting July, so many things happened this month, compared to the months compiled in one. Not all are good but I’m sure there’s a reason to all things that have happened.

Now please sprinkle some sleepy dust on me so that I can proceed with my sleep.

I came home and it was past the scheduled cooking time. I was torn between staying back at work to complete more work and coming home to cook.

And so I stayed back for another half an hour and came home preparing and cooking like a crazy lady.

I was very sure the rice cooker was cooking my rice because that was the first thing I did. So when I was done with the soup and veggie, feeling happy it’s done and I can get to eat now, the rice cooker was detected without a pulse. My heart dropped for a second.

It’s the electric cable connecting the rice cooker that was loose which was why the rice cooker failed me.

I went to the bedroom and lied down on the yoga mat, letting the fact sink in.

I had an appointment at 9 and it was 8.30 then. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry but I was sure I wasn’t going to have dinner, my own dinner.

I went to meet someone and had roti canai at the mamak, still feeling sad but trying to hide the story with a normal face.

The only comforting part is dinner is ready for Iris since she was back around 9. She left me some soup and veggie but by the time I came home, I was already full, not with roti canai but with lots of mixed feelings.

Why did I have to cook? Because of those prawns again. I cannot freeze them again after defreezing. And for some reason, they don’t taste great. And the soup, it took me a day to figure out why it felt like something is missing. I forgot to add the bloody salt.

I shall end this post with 3 bad words.
#*$