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And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I’ll say it clear,
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full.
I’ve traveled each and every highway (LDP, Sprint, Kesas, NKVE, Maju Expressway (formerly KL-Putrajaya), Federal, KL-Seremban);
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I’ve had a few (not exercising enough, not eating enough fruits);
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried.
I’ve had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing. ( I laughed after I cried and I’ll love again someday)

To think I did all that;
And may I say – not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

January: Got my hair chopped. I’ve not had short hair since I was 15 years old. Got mixed reaction from different people after the haircut. I just wanted a change, that’s all. I believe getting rid of split ends will do me some good.

February: Neighbourless. Family next door moved out.

March: Sawadeekap! Visited Bangkok – City of Angels with my colleagues (now ex). My maiden trip overseas with friends, without parents.

April: Mr.Bad Guy totally ruined our trip to Bali. I won a 2 night stay at a hotel in Bali, and got myself complimentary Balinese massage at another resort for 2 and he just blew it all away. So…God is fair, He paved something else for me. I explored other job opportunities.  Interview. Interview. Interview.

May: Job offer. Job offer. Job offer. Can only choose one. Resigned.

June: Petrol price hiked to RM2.70 per litre.  New job came just in time to cushion the after-effect of rising fuel as distance from house to new workplace is cut by half. Rode the bicycle after more than 10 years of not riding one, almost fell into a deep drain as I came zooming down the slope. Mr.Bad Guy disappeared for real. It didn’t happened immediately but I think the last I actually had a normal conversation with him was around this time. I sometimes think to myself what wrong I’ve done to deserve to have a guy always disappearing despite knowing that I love him very much. This has taught me a very dear lesson. I’m more sceptical when it comes to guys. Whenever I see a particular car model, a particular colour of the car, I’d look at the car plate…wishing it would be him, and at the same time, wishing it isn’t him. If you would ask me if I still love him, I think I still do, if I dig my heart hard and deep enough. I’ve pushed the feeling down and out of my heart as much as I can. If you asked me if I’d marry him, I don’t think I would if I were to think realistically. The probability of him disappearing when we get married is VERY HIGH. Did the bravest thing this year – GOT MYSELF BRACES. I don’t know why but 2008 to me is all about braces. If you’d ask me now if I can live on braces, having it binding my teeth for the rest of my life and if I’m okay with it, I think I can say I’m ok with it because I’ve gotten used to having it now that I think I won’t be used to it when it is taken away from me. I know I’m crazy. And may I say…I LOVE MY DENTIST! I really do. Sometimes I wish he’s young and single.

okie, so June was a rather stressful month!

July: I became 26. Had my first blood test. Not painful at all? Still cannot believe it. I’m a AB+. Mr.Bad Guy actually had the guts to treat me like I do not exist on my birthday. It sucked. No birthday wishes. No nothing. I even texted him to appear like a pain in the ass in his eyes. Reminded him that it was my birthday, only to have no reply from him but a message kept in the SENT folder staring back at me.

August: Attended Avril Lavigne’s concert in Stadium Merdeka with colleagues (now ex).

September: Yokoso Japan! Perhaps one of the best trips I’ve had so far. It’s hard not to love Japan. Thanks to Pappy who stubbornly insists that we go on annual family trips and practices it religiously throughout the years. Had a fantastic time with my sister, Iris. She’s back to the UK again.

October: Enjoyed being “ji mui” for my friend’s wedding very much. One of the nicest weddings I’ve attended so far. Gave me hope that love is all around. My maiden road trip out of KL, in which I played driver to 4 other passengers. We went to the beach. Flew a kite. Got bitten by some insects, scarring my leg right till December 2008.

November: Took a few days off to be with parents in Kota Kinabalu. Step foot on Tip of Borneo. Watched Roger Federer played in the Showdown of Champions, Stadium Putra Bukit Jalil. Hair rebonding.

December: Worked till 3am on Christmas Eve (or rather Christmas Day). My maiden longest working hour in the entire Gracie’s working history. Relived my childhood with a new found old toy – The Penguin Race or Jolly Penguins (as labeled on the box that I bought).

2008 was quite okay for me. Hoping 2009 will be better. I will be 27. *stares at the mirror* I don’t think I look or act like my age. Don’t really know if that’s a good or bad thing. More people around me are getting married. Sometimes I feel the pinch. Sometimes I don’t feel the pinch but my mum makes me feel the pinch. Sometimes I get so fed up, I pinch myself. My love mantra for the new year would be, “If you dream hard enough, the right one will eventually appear. Slowly but surely.”

Reading predictions for the year of the bull for people born in the Dog like me would be a good year for career and financial luck will be on my side. Love luck will not be as starry. I might meet someone but don’t think it will be a solid one, at least for next year.Would like to think of it as I will get to meet someone, we may not hit it off right away but it will only get stronger.

Well…no matter what the forecast says, I’m just going to do what I think needs to be done. I’m going to venture into business. This is only so much that I can tell you until I kick start it for real. It’s still in the starting from scratch status and lots of research to be done. Going to start small. Don’t care if it’s going to work but I just want to do this.

May you have a moo-ing new year!

My Christmas eve wasn’t merry at all. In fact, I think it’s the saddest Christmas eve I’ve ever had. Know why? Because I was in the office, slogging off till 3am. Yeah, now that I got your attention. 3 freaking am. Reached home at 3:30am. After bathing and all, slept at 4am. That is Merry Christmas to me.

It was a difficult choice to make. I could have just excuse myself to join my parents for Christmas eve dinner. Mummy already booked the place and I was already all set to go but had to disappoint them at a last minute..at around 5pm because it was a matter of do or die thing. Wanted to join my friend also but how to plan when I have to work until like that? Was receiving SMSes when I was working while others were having fun and partying. Every Christmas message that I got also I didn’t really read it. Just glance through who sent it and got back to work. Only replied to messages of close friends…who were very shocked to know that I was still in the office.

It wouldn’t have been nice to excuse myself while the rest of the team worked. Just somehow didn’t have the heart to. Didn’t want to be labelled as a bad employee. But it also wasn’t very nice to have us worked like that on Christmas eve! Most of them could go back at 3pm because it’s Christmas eve…so I’m still very sad la..thinking that people leaving at 3pm, some on leave and me stuck till 3am. 🙁

I just have a feeling that I’ll be facing more situations like this. Sometimes it’s hard. You want to get your job done, do a good job…but you just got to sacrifice your personal time, time with the family and all. I very pantang working late one leh. Your face will become 10 years older. Can I not be put in a difficult situation where I need to decide to work or have a life?

I killed so many brain cells by just focusing, absorbing, and my heart raced so fast during 2 hours because of something. Wonder how the others can put on a calm face even though it’s already in crisis mode. I think I need to pick up the calmness-in-crisis-mode skill. I looked like shit and 3am really was my very last call. If I would have stayed any longer, I don’t know how I was going to drive back also. Drove home last night like a zombie.

Anyway, sad stories aside. Had Christmas dinner tonight with my parents, in replacement of yesterday’s. Other than that, had brunch in Sungai Buloh. Steamed fish head. And practically slept the rest of the day. Thinking about work tomorrow also I feel like vomiting already. But I shall persevere for another a half a day then I will get my holiday till next year.

Will take this positively. What’s done is done.

Total damage done during shopping yesterday was almost RM400.

1 bag.

3 tops.

4 shoes.

And…..

And……

And …….

You just can’t believe this…because I still can’t!

But it happened….and I still can’t believe it happened!

With just one turn to the back….

My eyes laid on such a lovely thing…

It almost made me wanna cry…

HAHAHHAHAA

I …..

I……..

I GOT MY PENGUIN TOY!!!!!!!!

I GOT MY PENGUIN TOY!!! OMG

OMG I GOT MY PENGUIN TOY!!!!!

AHAHAHAHHAA

Maybe I kena potong I don’t know. Maybe I could have gotten it at a lower price. I don’t know. But I didn’t care anymore. I’ve waited for you for such a long time. For some reason, I think we were fated to meet because how on Earth could I even meet you? I was just standing there and just turned around and my eyes just saw you. Yea…you! I stared at you for like a good few seconds. My eyes terbeliak for a while. Not exaggerating. Really terbeliak because I still couldn’t believe it. Too good to be true. But it’s true.

The guy switched you on..and the 3 of you started climbing the stairs and slide down and repeat the whole process. SO CUTE!! OMG SO CUTE! I almost wanted to cry some more. Okay..now I’m exaggerating. HEHEHEHEHEHE

My mum asked me if I wanted to buy it.

OF COURSE LA!

After I wrote the entry about the penguin toy..I did told Mum about it. She couldn’t quite recall as well..but she remembered the fish catching toy well. I think my mum wanna faint la..but I also don’t care.

Brought it home…fixed up the slides and turn it on. I think I’m in wonderland. Let it stay on the coffee table till Pappy comes home. I asked him if he remembers this.

HE SAID OF COURSE!

“Faster on it..on it.”

AND YOU THINK I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS EXCITED?!

Then all 3 of us looked at the penguins and then looked at each other and laughed.

Oh…do you know that this one produces music too? There’s background music when the penguins does the move.

This morning, I shifted it onto the dining table. When Pappy woke up, he passed by and asked me to switch it on.

LOOK WHO’S EXCITED NOW?

THANK YOU SANTA. THANK YOU GOD. THANK YOU EYES. THANK YOU SUNGEI WANG. THANK YOU TOY MANUFACTURER FOR KEEPING THIS ALIVE.

THANK YOU TO THE KID IN ME. 😀

Now that you’ve broke up, I feel relieved and at the same time angry, sad and worried.

I feel relieved because I think some of the emotional sufferings will reduce significantly. I feel angry because you don’t mean what you say. I feel sad because you’re unable to let go..and still holding on to someone who has let you go to a certain extend. I am worried because you think if it’s a life without him, it’s not very much life anymore. Maybe I’m wrong but that’s the information that I can gather for now.

As a friend and when I see you feeling sad, it’s only natural for me to say words to comfort you, to give you strength to carry out actions you plan to do but never had the courage to. I think you know all the facts but sometimes the heart just doesn’t want to co-operate with the mind. I’ve told you many things, sometimes I find myself repeating the same thing all over again because I think you still didn’t get it yet.

Today I somehow realised maybe I shouldn’t say anything more from now on. Maybe I’ve pushed you a little too far, a little too hard, for you to cope in such a short timeframe. Therefore, I think I need to take a step back and let you heal in your own pace. I foresee things that might break my heart a little because you are in the midst of wanting to let go but at the same time, not wanting to let go. And to break off from this in-betweens takes a very determined soul given a substantial amount of time. I’ve been there..I know. And I should know better to let you have your time to mend your broken heart, letting you to learn how to deal with the problem even though you may be still doing the things I think you shouldn’t do. I may be the one feeling frustrated at why you still don’t get the message but I wouldn’t comment about it anymore…because I know some people just need to go through a certain process (maybe short, maybe slightly longer, maybe very very long) to finally get the message and practise it.

I used to cry just like you, perhaps even more pitiful than you. 😛 I’ll always be on the phone pouring and pouring my soul out. Pouring the same soul again the next night. And again the following nights to come. I wonder how my friend could take it. I was such a pain. But I can understand it now. He must have gone through the same pain to be able to understand what pain I was going through…so it didn’t matter to him for me to call him at weird hours of the night, sobbing like the world is coming to an end. I still remember very clearly how I would sit on the floor on a particular corner, with the lights off and I’ll talk to my friend. Sitting at a corner with the lights off indeed helps to dramatise the whole thing. When one is sad, one wants to make oneself appear sadder.

The world indeed felt like it had tumbled down. Sometimes it isn’t about what are the things you’ve done wrong. Sometimes it is just really about how you love someone very much and yet he just doesn’t look at that love the same way as you do anymore. It’s not always something you can explain and that is why we are always singing about love, talking about love, looking for love, getting frustrated about love but still wanting to find the love even though it hurts.

I had always had someone to depend on and I thought I forever will have someone to depend on. I was wrong. I started eating alone. I started doing things on my own. It was painful but I forced myself to take one step at a time to get out of that shell. That comfort zone. The mind always tells us…it’s not comfortable…but you know what? Sometimes we just need to do it once to realise it’s not really hard to get comfortable after you’ve tried doing it. From then on, I started to do more things on my own. And I must say it was because of then that I am comfortable being with just myself now, doing things alone and not to depend on others entirely. At the end of the day, the only person you can depend on…is still back to yourself.

I also did many stupid things during my worst breakup ever. I wrote him a letter to tell him how much I hated him even though I was 100% sure I still loved him to bits, right till my very last breath. I know that letter wouldn’t get a reply but I just liked the idea of him feeling that I’m such a pest. I called him a few times in a day just to know what he’s doing, where he is, hoping that he would ask me the same but he just never does. Hangs up just after answering my question.

I cried so much that I began to hate myself. I don’t know why I was doing all those things to trigger his attention when in fact what I was doing is torturing myself. I didn’t want to live a life like that. Why do I need to live like that because a guy that I still love very much doesn’t want to be loved by me anymore?

Yes, it takes time to heal. But what starts the healing process still lies in you. You can still drag on and continue to be sucked in a depressing mode or you can start deciding if you want to move on. If you decide to move on, it doesn’t mean you have to be completely okay by tomorrow. You can take your time but what’s most important is that you have it in your mind. When you are thinking about, think harder so that it will turn into actions. When you start doing just one thing, you will try to do another, soon you will be doing so many things and before you know it, you’ll just be watering the flowers or watching tv or pooping in the toilet and then you suddenly realised, it doesn’t hurt anymore, you’re still the lovable you used to know. It isn’t really that bad after all. Your heart is somewhat mended.

Just remember that we do care for you. I don’t think I’ll ever mention about your relationship or how it is between you and the guy for now because I just don’t think it helps and I think we have overloaded you with information. Maybe you’re not stressed about the break-up so much but pressured by us to see you heal. I don’t want to be such a lousy friend. I must learn how to give you the space that you need but should you raise the subject, of course we’d still be glad to be a listener. You have to agree that we are some very good listeners around because when you are my friend, YOU ARE MY FRIEND.

I love you.

Too tired to write. Pictures only!

…from UK.

Thank you Iris!

Now that we’re on the topic of toys…it reminds me of a soft toy rabbit.

There’s this particular rabbit which I liked very much and it resides in Yaohan store in Sandakan. Yaohan has ceased to exist in Sandakan for a good dinosaur years.

Each time when we go to Yaohan, I would definitely head to the toys section, take that bunny from the shelf and give it a hug. It’s big…or maybe I was small. Pappy would ask me if I want to buy it because I’ve repeatedly done it for a few times each time I go back to that store.

I didn’t want to buy it because I want to hug it just the way I do each time I go to the store.

>:d<

I was reading some forwarded mails by a friend and I came across something that suddenly sparked my interest and brought me back to the days of my childhood. I was so excited, I made Mummy to come to the computer so that I can show her what I was talking about. And then I confessed to her that she used to buy doraemon chocolates for me (it comes in a box, with a toy in it)…something like Tora? And she would hide it on the wardrobe. I’m only allowed one box a day but sometimes I just would like to have another box. So what I did was to sneak into my parent’s bedroom, take out a stool and made my hands reach the top of the wardrobe. Voila! Well yea..I can be naughty too.

The other thing which I wanted to confess but hesitated and thought I could make it another confession for another day…is the barbie doll that I knew was going to be my Christmas present many years ago. I still remember the colour of the wrapper..it’s green, Parkson’s very own wrapper. There’s no Parkson in Sandakan and I was very sure my parents got me and my sister one barbie each from Parkson Ria, Kota Kinabalu. The barbie dolls followed my parents back or so they smuggled them back without us noticing during our trip to Kota Kinabalu.

I just couldn’t wait for Christmas and when I saw them, I couldn’t resist opening the wrapper to confirm it’s the barbie doll that I’ve been dreaming to have. So one fine day, while my parents were out, I went into the bedroom, lock it and then carefully and slowly unwrapping the present. And when I saw the Barbie doll, I guess I must have been in awe for a good few minutes before I wrapped it back carefully again. I didn’t want to get caught. I didn’t want the present to appear like it has been opened. I then wait for Christmas day to come and then showed my parents how bloody happy I was to have Barbie as my Christmas present. I made it look like I was very shocked, astonished, surprised, amazed that I ACTUALLY HAVE A BARBIE DOLL AS MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT. HOW COOL IS THAT? Oh yes, I’m a great pretender. But I was REALLY REALLY REALLY HAPPY!

Let’s get back on track. I’m sure most of you know this toy?

One of my favourite! I know it still exists..I think I’ve seen it somewhere in some toy shops. When it runs out of battery, I’ll still be playing with it but I have no idea how. It’s like when you have no more coins to insert into a video arcade machine, there’ll anyhow be a demo game until someone inserts a coin. You will go move the joystick and hit the button, imagining you’re really Ryu or Ken in Street Fighter attacking Vega or Blanka with all your might. Or move on to another machine with planes shooting on enemies and avoiding bombs. Do you know what I’m talking about? Hahaha. It’s called MAKE BELIEVE.

But there’s one toy which I really miss.

The penguins will go up the stairs and then slide down. Wee! Sometimes it will run out of battery but I will still play with it manually, make the penguin climb the stairs with my hand then let go of it when it reaches the edge of the staircase.

There are also cases where the slide will fall out of place or broke into two. What do you do? Stick it back with cellophane tape!

I was thinking about getting this for my own Christmas present…that is if it still exists. I also know it’s an absolutely ridiculous present for a 26-year-old but then it makes me happy! 😀