Category: Life

I was struggling over the past few days in accepting something that I didn’t like doing but was asked to do. It’s not that I can say no with the position I am in now. Maybe I can…but it would spell disaster. I was being miserable about it for so long. A few days is so long, considering that it was really a small matter and I shouldn’t have spent so long being upset.

Yesterday I went to swim after being frustrated for the whole day. You see, I was at home nursing my wisdom tooth. I went to the dentist but my dentist wasn’t free so I settled with another dentist who is available in the same clinic since I really was getting annoyed with the pain. This dentist insisted on giving me only 1 hour MC. How’s that for being ridiculous? I was in pain for a few days and now she says I can’t take a full day MC. Man, was I angry. I kept on insisting until I got something which is more than half a day but still less than a day. I’m so pissed that I’m going to let this known to my ORIGINAL dentist when I visit him the next time. Like I don’t have enough to pain me already, someone just got to be so inconsiderate. Anyway, my mood was bad so yea…I went to swim. I was so angry that I went swimming.

I SWAM AND I SWAM. I JUST KEPT SWIMMING. Probably I swam the most laps yesterday due to the anger and pain.

Then, I finally stood still in the pool and talked to myself. I told myself I can rant, complain and be moody all I want today but tomorrow I’m going to be the lovable person again.

I woke up this morning and my gum is still in pain and I’m sort of getting used to the pain now. I’m going to let it grow for a few more days and if the pain still persists, it’s another round to the dentist, this time with x-ray. This would be my 3rd x-ray. And I must say I don’t know why my set of teeth is giving me so much problem that this year is going to be the year of TEETH. It’s really all about teeth this year. You’re bored about it I know and so am I.

And I woke up this morning with some sort of enlightenment. I got myself into accepting to do the thing I didn’t like doing and I kind of justified myself into doing it because that’s the only way I can be happy. If I couldn’t change it now, the only way is to try to accept it and try to make it a fun thing. I hate doing something I don’t like and keep going on ranting about it…I just know I won’t be happy. So, that’s why the self-talking and I think I’m okay la so far. No choice but have to do this la…for the sake of my own happiness.

I think I’m now going through and experiencing a series of growing pains in my mid-20s.

Love without talking.You’ve got to watch this!

Today is the first time in Year 2009 that I’m boiling soup for myself. I figured I must treat myself better because I’ve been eating junk lately. It’s either I don’t eat a proper meal or skip meals because thinking of what to eat has become a chore. It’s hard when you are eating alone but I don’t want that to be my excuse. So today I die die also forced and made myself to boil soup. ABC soup. One of the easiest and one of my favourite.

There are just days when it’s just so hard to motivate yourself. I find it particularly harder lately. I don’t know where has my enthusiasm gone to. I need to find it back. What I do now everyday is to dig deep within myself so that I can get that little optimism to live the day. I think I’m still not cured for whatever that happened from the past weeks. I know I can live better than this.

I made a wishlist today because I’ve been having many thoughts for the past few days which I want to put into action or want to see it unfold. Listing it down helps to give me a clear overview and how I can work into getting it done. It’s already half of 2009 and if I don’t do something substantial, 2009 is going to just slip by and it’s going to be another year wasted.

I want to at least achieve something in 2009. You go girl!

1. You will never have it all. Not that I don’t know this already. You may have a job you dislike, but you have a understanding boss. You may have a job you like, but your superior is someone you find it hard to work with.

2. Sometimes your job expectation will change overtime…I’ve learnt that you should not believe 100% of what your employer tells/promises you when you take up the job.

3. I may suddenly take that leap of faith when I get sick of the corporate life, get married, further studies or start a business.

4. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Love will find its way.

5. You will come across gossips and rumours about a person and you have a choice to believe what you hear entirely or choose to judge the person based on your interaction and dealing with that person to have a judgement of your own .. of what kind of a person he is. The thing is that…your friends or colleagues may hate a particular person even though he/she has done no harm to you.

6. Always listen to both sides of stories because it’s only natural for a person to defend oneself even when they are at fault and sometimes the person doesn’t realise he/she is at fault and puts the blame on the other party.

7. There are many vicious people in this world. They may be smiling at you and appear friendly but you wouldn’t know what goes behind closed doors.

8. Therefore, try to protect yourself in whatever way you can, watch your words, keep a distance and look out for traps.

9. No matter how cruel or unfair the world may be, continue to be kind.

… and still nursing my swollen gum and growing wisdom tooth. Wonder when the pain will stop.

July. My birth month…has always been my favourite month because I would think July will bring good things. And if the months before that was not very good for me, I’ll give myself some encouragement and I’ll tell myself, July is going to do great things for me.

As I grow older, July tend to get a little more complicated. Maybe it’s the same or there’s nothing particularly special as compared to the other months but because I’ve always put emphasis on July…so I tend to be more aware of what is happening during the month.

This July is a very exciting month for me. Be it at work, at home, personal or business. Today for example, it dawned on me that I’m learning a lot in a span of a few months as compared to before. I’m grateful for what I have now even though sometimes I’m not happy. As always, after each incident, I’ll always ponder over it and I will question the reason to it, on why it’s happening. Sometimes I have my own analysis and I kinda talk myself into believing that ..that is the particular reason of why certain things happen and accepting that it is already fact and there’s nothing I can do to undo it. Sometimes I still don’t get the answer and figured..maybe, just maybe, I’ll get it the next time..

Whatever it is, life goes on and I think for as long as you’ve tried your best to live life, to do the right things based on your own call and judgement given the time, resources, situation and circumstances, it’s good enough. I think life gets more challenging as I grow older..some friends share the same sentiments too. I think I’ll call it “life after 25 and before 30”.

Had lunch with a friend who hails from the same hometown as me. We only meet once a year during Chinese New Year even though we’ve been working here for a few years. This is actually our first time meeting in KL after so long. It was nice to see him again and I just like catching up on stories and sharing life experiences with a friend you’ve not met for a long time, not very close with yet you can strike a decent and meaningful conversation. I enjoy rich conversation. You learn things from others, strike a chord in you if it’s the stories are similar and close to your heart. Then at least, you’ll feel normal that sometimes we go through certain phases in life…and we shouldn’t despair. There’s always a lesson that we can learn from the experiences we go through.

Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.

– Oprah Winfrey

I’ve reached a level where you are so unhappy and you’re so focused on getting over the bad feelings that you get so tired, your eyes are tired, your mind is tired, your body is tired and you just want to rest.

This is how I’m recovering by resting and telling myself when I wake up that it will be a good day. I want to do this religiously everyday..because in some way, I think it works. Smile and the world will smile with you…

I want to be wary of how much I trust a person and I’m also learning to accept the strengths and flaws of others at work. I want to see the good in them so that I don’t plant too much hatred. We are all human anyway. There will bound to be disagreements but for as long as I handle it with care and wisdom, I think it’s going to be okay.

There is a new goal that I’m setting for myself..something which I’ve wanted to learn for the longest time but just never get to do it. Now I don’t have a choice but to really start to work on it because it will help to open more doors and create more opportunities. I don’t want to be mediocre…I want to be excellent!

Healing is not instant. I woke up still reeling from the blues. I’m trying and I know this blue will soon past..just maybe not today.

I was lying on the bed still recalling and thinking of what happened until I had to snap myself out of it. Today is going to be a day I’ll spend quality time with Pappy and being with him today kinda healed me a little even though he has no clue of what is happening. As I grow older, I face more problems. Some are results of mistakes of my own, foolishness of my own. And for some reason, I do not want Pappy to know any of those because I would like to deal it on my own, to fix my own problem, to learn how to solve it on my own because sometimes, it’s really really back to just you..I cannot always have someone to back me up..and there are things that you cannot hide or avoid. You got to face them head-on no matter how you dislike it. I’ve getting quite a few of those lately that I’m beginning to question what is really wrong. I don’t think I will have an answer to that and the only thing I can do is to solve it one by one. Some requires time but I know it will be eventually solved. Pappy has always been helping me for so long and I know he’ll always will when he sees the need to..and even when he doesn’t need to so…I need to be strong, try to kill whatever comes my way and still come out alive, still able to draw a smile on my face and just want Pappy to be proud of me, that I can handle things on my own.

This part of me..I learnt it from past relationships that went sour. I don’t know if it’s a good thing but I don’t like the idea of me being helpless, being too dependent on my partner that when I’m left alone, I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I don’t like to be in a situation like that because I know how it feels and I know how scary it can be. It has got its downside too…sometimes I don’t know how to ask for help when it’s really ok to ask for someone’s favour.

Breakfast with Pappy today was cool. We got lost in KL city, trying to find the way to one eating place in Jalan Ipoh but we found it anyway. Then, we tried the new DUKE highway because I was curious where it leads to. Pappy wanted to go to Subang Parade and we managed to get there using DUKE to connect to NKVE and then Subang.

Pappy will forever be my best boyfriend that I’ll ever have in my life. I love him beyond words.

You may read a few more posts like this because I’m fine-tuning my emotional being until I’m stable again.

Just when I thought there is a glimmer of hope, it is dashed yet again.

I think I’ll need to let this pass too.

One is lonely but this one will meet another one and then it’ll make a company.

This one has just got to wait and hang on a little while more.

Life is throwing little challenges at me, particularly during this period. I’ll let this be a period to strengthen myself. For some reason, I actually told myself after I’ve come to realization and much analysis that I think I’ve been good for too long. It’s time I fight for myself. To do something for myself.

Because I matter.