Category: Life

I am hard to read.

That is why I need to write so that it’s easier to read myself.

I may be interpreted this way today.

And I may be interpreted a different way yesterday.

Tomorrow you may find that the interpretation you have about me is different than what you’ve come to know today and yesterday.

I can be very happy today.

I can be very sad tomorrow.

I may sound like I’m positive but I’m just scared deep down inside, but just writing positively in hope that it would help to overcome the fear.

I may sound like I’m crazy and I’m really crazy.

Whenever I read something inspiring or watch something inspiring, I’m reminded that my grind at work is really nothing to compared to.

But when I’m at work and I read stories about people dying from overworking, it becomes not very inspiring anymore.

I’ve always had this dream I would like to pursue. It’s not that hard, really. But whenever I’m about to kick-start myself to delve in it, I will then present myself with all the fears that is not true unless proven right. It is so bad, it has been going on for years. I guess I’m just afraid to fail. So I’d rather choose to do something else…and even if I fail, I won’t feel so bad.

But watching a movie 2 days ago made me realise maybe I should just listen to my heart and ignore what my head has got to tell me. Please go watch “Look For a Star” starring Andy Lau and Shu Qi. Nothing at all related to the dream I want to pursue..I’m just merely borrowing the concept. I find it meaningful and very real. Gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling at the end of the movie. I’m just thinking you will definitely like it.

Just 2 days ago, Iris finally got her working visa after 4 months of gruelling wait. So I told Iris and Mummy that my prayers finally paid off. I prayed about it while I was in the temple in Sandakan, then at the temple in Jenjarom. I also placed a floating candle at the wishing pond too and wished for the same thing.

Mummy then asked, “Did you pray that you’ll find Mr.Right soon?”

“I forgot about that.”

Are you the type who prays for others before praying for yourself? Or are you the type that prays for solely yourself?

I always find myself praying for other people first, my family, my friends, before praying for myself so by the time I come to myself, I would have missed out some important stuff. Maybe I should write down a list. 🙂

Instead of having a guy date me, (like as though I have one), I went for my monthly visit to the dentist today. I was expecting for tooth extraction as what I’ve been told during my last visit even though I wasn’t really prepared today. When he replaced with yet a harder archwire, I knew no teeth will be extracted today and then I was given an explanation of what’s going to happen on my next visit.

I’d have to extract 4 teeth. yea, 4. Two on the upper jaw. Two on the lower jaw. That was still okay even though I already wanted to faint. I have a tooth that is protuding outwards and below that tooth there is no tooth to support it when I bite. One thing I must tell you is never to mess with your wisdom tooth and never ever sacrifice your molar just to get your wisdom tooth out, like what happened to me many years ago. Each time I see that gap of the missing molar which shouldn’t have given way so that the wisdom tooth behind of it can be extracted always struck a very sad chord in me. I hate the dentist who did it to me too.

Anyway…what my current dentist suggests to do with that tooth is to have a screw to support it to level it up, make it less protuding. And once it’s levelled back to go inward, it means that tooth will be biting down towards the gap at the bottom..so in order to support that, I might need a mini implant. Upon hearing this, my mind kind of cannot work for quite some time. I came home walking from the dentist thinking very hardly about my teeth.

Maybe it sounds scary but it’s not? I mean the dentist say it like it’s no big deal. haha.

Whatever it is, I’m going to go with the 2 teeth extraction of the upper jaw then we’ll see how it goes from there lor. I’ve had the worst dental surgery many years ago to remove my wisdom tooth so I think this normal extraction of teeth shouldn’t be something to worry about. And I mean, there’s really no use worrying because this is the path I chose to walk down and I’d have to be brave to face it.

Have also cancelled to go out with my girlfriend today because of my numbing teeth. Happy Valentine’s Day anyway!

I have turned into a cleaning machine and a very cruel-hearted garbage collector.

You don’t normally see me cleaning during weekdays because my mind will always tell me weekdays are shorter in hours and cleaning takes up longer hours. But today is exception. I actually packed a few more bags of clothes to be given away (some have followed me through thick and thin for 10 years and it’s time to say goodbye, because I’ve grown and the clothes have shrink or that if I put on that tee that fits a 17-year old on a 27-year old, it’s just plain weird)

Changed the bedsheets. Changed the mattress from the middle room to my room. So bloody heavy but I managed it anyway. The old mattress will have a butt mark every morning I wake up. It will sink according to the shape of my butt so it’s time to change to a thicker and harder mattress to support my ever-growing butt.

These are just behind the scenes cleaning/tidying because the whole house is still filthy. I only need to take a few steps around the house to gather my feet with dust. It’s bad I don’t know how I’m going to face my mum when she comes over day after tomorrow to visit my grandpa who is sick and refuses to eat. I will do whatever I can tomorrow.

Cooked these 2 days. It’s kinda lousy tasting but I’m going to fine tune it.

Watched The Oprah Winfrey Show these 2 nights also instead of the usual 8-o-clock news. I think I’m just sick of politics for now and would just like to watch something inspiring and enlightening. I always learn something after every episode of Oprah Winfrey. If you want to know what’s one of my favourite TV shows..it’s OPRAH!

I left work early..as in slightly a few minutes after office hours and I’m proud of that. I mean I can linger and stay but I will feel shitty when I come home. So it’s better to come home early while I still can and just live my life.

It’s from a forwarded email I got today. I like this. Hope you do too!

It’s the last day and it’s about to come to an end. OH CHINESE NEW YEAR, I MISS YOU AND TILL I SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT YEAR!

Every year when it’s chap goh meh, I will feel a bit emotional. I don’t want CNY to end. When it ends, I’d have to pick up the pieces again. Un-decorate the house. Some sort like after CNY, the world will be harsher.

Went to Cyberjaya today to meet my ex-colleagues for lunch. I went back to my previous workplace too, sat on my desk (now occupied by an ex-colleague but she didn’t come to work today). Sometimes I miss this place due to its relaxing nature of work. Sometimes it gets busy but it’s manageable and it comes with no stress. Everyday I go to work like I’m not going to work. It’s like my daily routine, a part of my life. After work, I come home and I’ve never had the need to think about work when I’m home or during the weekends. I rarely have any Monday blues..and even if I have..my colleagues will cure it for me. We can have our daily tea time at the pantry and yet still managed to finish up our work ahead of time.

Will I ever get to find a place like that in the future? I’m not very sure. But I’m certain that I want a change now. I think life is too short to be working sadly. The journey ahead will be tough and I’ll need to persevere before I even see a light but I’m prepared for that. I might even consider changing job scope or changing fields, when I’m pushed to a corner and feel sick and fed up of everything. Previously, I used to think that climbing the corporate ladder is important. Now I can tell you, I don’t feel like climbing the corporate ladder at all. I just want to be able to do my work well, be confident with my knowledge and areas of expertise and continuously making sure I’m learning everyday. I just want to be someone’s wife and some adorable children’s mother.

I want to be happy with what I do and how I live. And to do that, I need to set my direction of how I want to live it and paint it with as many colours as possible.

It’s another hour before Chinese New Year comes to an end but it’ll be the beginning of a fruitful year I hope.

Have a good day at work tomorrow.

I love you.

Went to watch a CNY movie today.

Listened to Chinese New Year songs after that for the whole day, savouring every last drop of it before it ends tomorrow.

And even though I know I ought to sleep earlier as I’ve been sleeping late throughout the whole Chinese New Year…my body and mind just didn’t feel like it because I know after CNY, there is not going to be many holidays and there will be more work. So I spent the hours of late nights indulging in my personal pursuits.

I feel that I’m different, my mind is changing. I want to live life to the fullest.

This is my 2nd time visiting Dong Zen Temple. The first time was also during Chinese New Year a few years ago. I love to come to this place especially during Chinese New Year.

Other than praying and taking pictures, one interesting thing I did today was  Chinese calligraphy writing. I have not done this for ages. The last time I did it was in school. Did you know that I once represented my primary school for calligraphy competition? 😀

There’s a hall for visitors to sit in and write the Buddhist verses. I liked it very very much.

Let the photos do the talking, ok? (click on image to view. works well with firefox but works cacat with IE. will fix it once i find the solution to it.)

Yup, it’s a working day and we were permitted to leave work earlier to attend the annual dinner. Didn’t set my hair like I did last time because it’s so short, what else is there to mess with the hair? See…when you have short hair, you can skip the idea of spending money to get your hair done. As for the make-up, sendiri mari.

Wore a maroon tube dress. Got myself a hamper for lucky draw and danced the night away.

That handsome guy smiled at me when he turned around. woo hoo!

Still the same. Still trying. Still struggling.

I need a good night’s sleep. That should solve things temporarily.

I’m just so bored suddenly. Can’t wait for the weekend to come because I’ll be meeting my friends again.

I feel so lost today. I swear if you asked me to vomit my heart out, I could.