Category: Life

Dear Ducky,

I’ve been telling the world that I’m going to my friend’s hometown this Saturday but you know what? It’s not this Saturday, it’s the following Saturday. And because I’ve been thinking it’s this Saturday, I canceled an appointment to attend a workshop. That’s not the only problem. The following Saturday I have a dental appointment so you see everything is jumbled up and I just know how uncomfortable I really am during the period when I decided I wanted to do something else, to the time I got an offer, to the time I started a new job, and now learning as much as I can and at the same time trying to fit in and grab someone that I can talk with. I can tell you it’s stressful. So my otak is a bit tak betul now.

I really don’t feel comfortable at all and I keep telling myself everyday that this is a normal process and a normal feeling to feel. I’ve started to let go off the “tikus-ness” in me. I don’t want to try too hard because in the end, it doesn’t really help, it only stresses me out. I don’t like the feeling of being inadequate. You feel that way in every new job you do because no matter how skillful you are, there is always something that you got to adjust to suit the environment. Furthermore, I’m not really that skillful lor. I feel very bodoh actually now. It will take some time to really build up myself here.

I’m hope the “Dear Ducky” series will end soon then I can write some other stuff than to write about my worries and insecurities day in day out. And in order to overcome that, I’d have to write my worries away until it’s gone.

I’m really glad Monday is a public holiday. I’m just gonna sit back and relax. Holidays are like precious gems to me now.

Love,
Grace

Dear Ducky,

Today I miss my ex-colleague very much. So much so that I had to SMS her to tell her I miss her. Maybe it’s because I haven’t got a colleague I can get close to with here. In every place that I’ve worked, I will always have someone that I can be crazy with. Sometimes I think I worry too much about this into thinking that if I don’t find someone like that here in this new place, I don’t know how I’m going to survive. I know building relationship requires time. Looking back, it took me months to really really be close to someone so I guess I shouldn’t be in such a hurry in wanting to be close to someone in such a short time.

From having lunches previously where I literally can pour my whole heart out and have someone to understand me to now having lunches and keeping my whole heart into its place definitely needs some adjustment.

On my first day, I walked and talked like a tikus. Don’t know what the hell I’m afraid of.
Today, it’s better. At least I don’t walk like a tikus anymore. Don’t know just ask. Even if it makes me look stupid. I’d rather be stupid now than later.

But I think all these changes would do me some good. I’m the more reserved and timid kind so I need some exposure. I know I can do it. I can be less-reserved and braver but it’s the just new environment, culture, people and the adjustment that I’m going through that makes me feel like suddenly I’m so helpless.

Even though this is not my first time starting anew in a new place but I still have to go through the same feeling of insecurity and I worry about particularly so many things.

*pats on self shoulder*
*whispers to own self “you’ll be fine”*

Love,
Grace

Dear Ducky,

Today it feels like the first day of school. Yup, I’ve started doing something new in a new place. All is well so far. I need to work on my confidence a little, pump up some self-esteem (it’s there, just hidden), make more friends. From what I see, I got to be the ice-breaker now and the initiator, else it’s just not going to go anywhere. I will do it and I know I can do it.

Being here reminds me of my first working place. The environment and the seating arrangement. The culture and etc. I think I will do fine here.

One thing’s for sure. I need to dress UP! People here dress very smartly. So now I have to have a daily/weekly plan on what to wear everyday.

Ok lor Ducky, I need to sleep early tonight because it’s going to be my second day of school tomorrow.

Loving You,
Grace

Dear Ducky,

When you’ve decided to leave a place, suddenly many people are interested and curious to know where you are going to next. Some might think you are crazy. Some are doubtful if you’re making the right choice. Some are very understanding. Some wishes you the very best. Some agrees with your decision. Most of them, however, were very shocked.

I wouldn’t blame them for it came too sudden. Today it opened my eyes to even more comments. Sometimes people can be so negative and try to inflict fear upon you. I don’t know why people are like that lah. I guess they are here to test your positiveness. It happens everytime I’ve decided to move on to some other thing, some other place. You will always get to meet this kind of people. What I’ll do? I just smile because they will never understand. For whatever my next pursuit will entail, I’m going to walk down that path and just move forward. If you know this place is not suitable for you, you either stay put and try to survive and make the unbearable, bearable..Or you try to look for another place. That place may be better or it could be worse, but we will never know until we give it a try.

Read this somewhere. Liked it. Posting it here.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you’re just coming out of one, or you’re getting ready to go into another one.

God didn’t put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He’s more interested in what I am than what I do. That’s why we’re called human beings, not human doings.

P/S: I’m sorry I flipped you off the bed last night. I was too tired to pick you up. I picked you up this morning when I woke up. Dust you just in case there are alien creatures sticking to your fur. Give you a kiss, hugged you and put you back on the bed. I hope you forgive me.

Love,
Grace

Dear Ducky,

Today is a tormenting day. I can feel my head about to explode anytime. My mouth so tired of talking. It was more stressful that I’ve expected it to be but I am alive still so I think I’m fine..albeit still tired.

Things weren’t very right for me and I just want to have a fresh start. I do not want to be complaining and yet not doing something about it. I’m glad I have the guts to do it. Life is really too short to be miserable all the time.

I did not like what happened today but I will take it as an experience.

At times like these, it opens up my eyes to people around me. How they react, what is their responses, how they choose to use their words. Then I’ll see how I react and respond to the people around me and how I deal with my emotions.

And again, I was put in such a situation where I cannot please everyone. I hate to be in a situation like this but when life throws you something like that, you can’t say you don’t like it because you’ll have to deal it anyway whether you like it or not. There are things that are beyond your control and circumstances will put you in a situation an such that the next right thing to do is just what you got to do whether it pleases everyone or not.

Many complicated things or situations needs only simple decision or action to solve or simplify it. But to come out with a simple decision and actually putting it into action does not seem easy as you think. You need to be firm, you need to know what you want, you need to know why you want this..lastly and most important element..is still being firm.

I’ll be going to the temple on Sunday to thank God for all the good things that I have and thank Him for having Iris’s working visa approved. 🙂 This time I want to pray for my grandpa who refuses to eat through the mouth. I think he’s throwing a tantrum and is seeking attention.

Saturday..I’m going for a massage session with Mummy and we’ll watch Slumdog Millionaire in the cinema. Good movies always cure me! Till then, I’ll hang on there and fulfill all my responsibilities this week.

Got to know that a friend is getting married and was asking me if I could accompany her to choose wedding gowns. I’m very delighted! Because I like to do all this kind of stuff. And very honoured because she thought of me! 🙂

Have a goooooood week!

Love,
Grace

Dear Ducky,

It is an exhaustive day. If you’d like to experience what it’s like being trapped inside an exhaust pipe, please squeeze yourself through this post.

The life changing experience was somewhat a bit heavy for me to digest. I went from being very happy about it. So happy about it that I know if I didn’t own it, I’d cry so very badly. I’ve never felt like I wanted something so badly before so I know what it means to me. And it would it’s disaster if I didn’t get it. It’s like when you see it, you know it’s the one.

I’m glad that it is within reach now. In my hands now I would say…and it’s up to me to make it a very good experience for myself. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do that I don’t know if it’s going to last very long or I might get tired of it one day. But judging by the years I’ve been loving it, I think the passion is here to stay. It’s just one of things listed that I must do it once in my life else I will die regretting why I’ve never put in any effort to realise it. That itself is enough to explain, why it is something I want so badly.

I’m sorry I’d have to write in such ambiguous way. It’s just not convenient to reveal the truth here.

I have been living on bread for the past few days, I mean for my main meals and I know I will end it by the end of this week. Enough of torturing my body. Someone commented that I looked very different now and before. Particularly so today as she was saying my dark circles are super dark, my eye bags are so baggy (to me, they look like balloons now), my facial skin is without glow and shine. I agree with what she said. I didn’t need a mirror to know. I could feel it. My body has grown very heaty and weak and I’ve been getting this very annoying little coughs that likes to visit me in enclosed air-conditioned room.

I didn’t had a choice or so I think but I just don’t want to live like that anymore. Enough is enough.

I also had an emotional breakdown while talking on the phone because I was in a dilemma..was trying to hold back the tears. Looking back now, I didn’t know why the hell I had that short emotional breakdown. Sometimes I scare myself. You know like suddenly the light go fused? But after you get the fuse changed, it lights again. I’m that light. Once fused ar…will be very pathetic but once I get over that fusing period (which requires a few hours), I would be determined and clear on what I need to do.

The next thing on my to-do-list i’s not going to be easy but that’s the action I’ll need to take. I sat down and contemplate about my emotional being in the day and I can only conclude that I’ve always wanting things to end well and when I have something that comes along the way and hinder me to ending things well, I feel that I’m a bad person. I care too much when maybe others don’t even give a damn on it. I’m just a worrier. I can think of so many unnecessary things, I amuse myself when I look back at it.

Anyway, there are paths that you need to take to get over to the other side. The bridge came very early than expected. It came so fast, I’m actually still trying to absorb the fact that it has happened.

Love,
Grace

My life changed today.

It’s unbelievable.

I’m counting the blessings.

I’ve waited for this for so long.

Suddenly, I feel that the world is so wonderful.

It’s unbelievable..I’m going to bed now to recover from the extreme surprise I got today.

Dear Ducky,

This is going to be quite deep. If you are prepared for a plunge into the ocean without a proper oxygen mask, plunge your eyes further.

Yesterday’s happiness doesn’t guarantee today’s happiness because today I was quite sad. A little frustrated. Yet trying to remain calm and composed. In the end, I had to let myself go so I was behind the wheels and the tears streamed down..in small amount. It was like coincident or something, the radio was playing “Don’t Cry Out Loud”. It goes like this…Don’t cry out loud…just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings. Then I just kept driving forward, like very focused like that. So I know I’m not too depressed yet but neither am I very happy.

I don’t know if I’m brave or ignorant but I did something today in which I wasn’t very confident about but I carried it with as much confidence and positiveness that I can pump within me. In the end, I can say I failed but maybe I did not because no one said I failed but the feeling that I have with me is I don’t have a good feeling about it and with that, I’m not putting high hopes and I’ve allowed myself time to just absorbed whatever sadness I have that’s remained and then I want to move on.

This is not my first time facing such situation but it is never easy or pleasant to face such situation even if you have experienced in going through this. Don’t think this is the worst so I should take it as an experience or process that I’d have to go through.

Preparing for the next and I know I can do better than this.

Love,
Grace

So happy that I was dancing while showering. Then I was jumping in the living room. Next I was holding on to my bath towel and giggle to myself.

I will tell you why I’m happy when the time is right, ok?

I am just so, very, sangat, sungguh, teramat, absolutely, certainly, definitely, thankful today!