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I had just finish writing a letter to again decline an offer I’ve declined before this. It was harder writing it than I thought. Kept re-reading it, wanting to make sure it sounds fine. I know I had to put this to an end or my mind will keep thinking about it. And it’s just plain selfish to hold on to someone for too long if you know you aren’t going to accept the offer.

There will be times in life where you will always remember certain quotes or lines spoken by people you meet. Keeping this quotes in your mind sometimes help to remind you of how great a person you can be no matter how small you think you are.

Interviews are scary sessions but I think I’m beginning to conquer it a little. Maybe because I was feeling so nervous about it that I’ve totally gone immuned about it. And I know being nervous certainly wouldn’t help to make me do well so I try to act cool.

I’ve also learnt my lesson during my job hunt this time around. I will never again apply for something which is totally out of my preferred location. Well, if it’s a super ultimate dream job, then maybe it can be put into consideration. I will never simply apply to any jobs, by just thinking I think it should be okay with me. I must think of what I really want to do. Unless of course, you are a fresh graduate, then you cannot be too choosy. But I still think your first job can be very important in determining your next path.

IT field is so broad that it gives you lots of various job functions which is good but it’s also bad…well for me because I get confused of what I really want to do. I cannot say that I’m 100% sure of what I really want to do..because I think I am greedy. I wish to do so many things, except a few that is already in my banned list. I’m still fresh as in I’ve not garnered enough skills to market myself confidently. I really hope a few years down the road, I’ll be able to change that.

One painful thing that I’ve learnt all this while is that sometimes you get to bump into a dream job of yours where the working environment fits you, you think you’ll love doing the job, you know you’ll learn a bundle, you just know it’s so right and you hope so very much and pray a hell lot that you’ll get the job then you begin to doubt if you had excel in the interview and why it’s taking so long to get a reply and then you realise you just didn’t nail it and the job offer goes to someone else. It is like shit I would say but a fact of life.  Sometimes you don’t often get what you really want even if you dyingly want it.

I just met a very caring HR personnel yesterday. So motherly that she asked me if I was okay..and if I was fine for a few times. Maybe I didn’t look fine to her. Would love to continue to tell you about my story yesterday but it’s time to sleep. For the past few days, I have not been able to focus on my work totally. It’s hard when you get phone calls then your mind begins to think and think and think. You feel this and then you feel that.

So much so that I’ve decided that if I don’t receive any good news this week or the next. I’m going to take a break from this job-hunting process and then start again when I’m refreshed and energised again. It doesn’t mean that I’m giving up but I just need a tiny short break so that I can walk a longer journey.

Good night and hold your blanket tight.

Had a very tiring Saturday. A high school of mine got married and I was there to become her “jimui” along with 6 other ex-classmates. I even brought Mummy along to the wedding dinner as the bride insisted that I bring her along since there’s extra seats. After which, we dropped by a cafe near Kepong Baru to have another round of drink and chit-chat. I’ve not had late nights like this for quite some time so it’s nice.

Seeing friends of mine getting married would somehow make me feel like tying a knot too. But sometimes, I don’t feel like I want to get married. I guess it’s hard seeing myself getting married when things seem to be far reached. I believe whatever that needs to take place will take place subsequently but all I want to do now is focus on my job-hunting process.

Had lunch at One Utama today with mum. Supposed to attend a wedding dinner tonight but the wedding invitation card never came. My friend had told me she would pass it to me 2 weeks ago..and then last week..but it just never came. I don’t know what happened really. But since it’s mother’s day. It was best spent with Mummy.

Bought her something she like last week so today I just wrote her a card, which I tried to stop myself from crying when writing it because my friends stayed overnight after the wedding dinner so I didn’t want anyone to see me cry.

Even when I wished her “Happy Mother’s Day”, I had to whisper to her in the kitchen. 🙂

I passed the card to her when my friends left.

“Mee, I got a card for you.”

“Got card ah?”

“Yup.”

“I didn’t dare to give it to you just now.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m shy.”

When Mummy opened the card to read it, I was feeling so uneasy, still feeling so shy lah.

Then she said thank you and I then lied on her with a pillow separating my face and her body. Tears started to drip. Oh man! But I had to cover it also, allowing it to sip through the pillow and then forced myself to stop crying.

I still feel like crying right now. Oh God! I’m just extra emotional lately. I’m still thinking about the job I wish I could have but also preparing myself for the worst, that is if I don’t get the job. Sometimes it is meant to be, sometimes it is not meant to be so I will have to deal with it, whatever the outcome is.

Mummy has been listening to all my craps and I think I did shift some of the worries and pressure on her. When I worry, she worries too. But I just had to tell lah, because I think she would worry more seeing me keeping to myself and showing my crumpled face. That’s why I need a boyfriend that will always be willing to lend his ears to me. The current one has ears but he just has got no time to even lend it to me. And I don’t want to talk about him now.

Mummy also stayed back to accompany me during this interview period. She could have just gone back to Sandakan, yamcha with her friends, go for dancing lessons and all but she has to stay here, cook for me, help me clean the house and listen to my worries and problems. Sometimes I feel bad lor. Now you know why I feel like crying.

I’ve got 2 interviews to attend tomorrow. 1 is a 2nd interview which would ultimately decide if I get the job or not. I hope there is no 3rd interview because I’m already very stressed out. The other is a first interview which I’m not very sure of the route and traffic condition so it’s going to be another adventure tomorrow.

Another reason of why I think I’m so stressed out is because sometimes I just am not confident. Looking at my experience and working history and comparing it with the job requirements, macam not entirely matching pun, which is why I’m scared of not being able to do a good job. But then I know I will be able to do it, if I learn on the job and training/guidance is provided. But before that, you’ll be nervous about not being able to convince the employer since you don’t fulfil whatever skills and requirements listed and thus not landing yourself that job because I’m not the kind of person who brags about being able to do things which I don’t know how to do.

I think I’ve gone through this from the beginnning of my job search and finally I am to able to pen it down in words of what is really bothering me. So when you are able to find out the exact root cause of me being a complete pain in the ass in these few weeks, I think it helps to clear the mind a little.

And this is also why I wish I get that job so that I would be able to build my skills and gain experience and it will be much more easier for me to carry myself around as I venture further. I just need that one opportunity to allow me to walk down that path. Then maybe, when I look for job the next time around, I will be more confident and will be proud of the skills that I have which would help me achieve more.

To all the people who are attending interviews too, I wish you good luck!

For the past few days, I have been staring at the mobile phone, occasionally switching tabs to my email account on Internet Explorer. Any calls or new emails that I get may change my life forever. Okay, I’m exaggerating. But yes, when you hope for something so much, you stare at the mailbox longer than you usually do and when the phone rings and shows an unknown number, your head tells you opportunity is knocking at your door.

Perhaps after my first job as a call centre agent, this could be the period where I’m talking to more strangers than I usually do. I like it though because it feels like I haven’t really been speaking for a very long time.

After rejecting the job offer that I got, I received a call from the company the next morning, asking me why I declined the offer. The phone call came unexpectedly and I was thinking someone else was calling me for an interview. So when I heard the voice on the other end, I could somehow recognize who he was.

I must say it wasn’t an easy conversation, considering the fact that I’ve never felt so bad rejecting an offer, more so after the phone conversation ended. At first, some misunderstanding about the working hours was cleared when I mentioned why I didn’t think the job suits me. Then, it seemed to be not an issue anymore but then I needed more time to think over it.

Then, he asked me of what I’m really looking for in a job and I paused for a while because that is also something that I’ve been thinking of but my answer seems to change all the time. He was trying to persuade me to take the job and he said one line that just doesn’t seem to go away from my head, “I think you are a great person.”…and that he hoped I’ll join the company.

I just died.

One of my weaknesses is I have a soft spot for people who are nice. And when they say killer lines like that, it makes me think. And it made me think even more when you know the person calling you is of the highest management level. No one from that level has ever spoken to me like that before and I just felt … You see I can’t even find a word to describe it.

..which is why I feel so bad.

But I cannot just accept the job just because someone persuades me. I must think of what I really want to do and whether this is what I really want to do.

Now, let us just go back a little to my history of job-hunting. When I was in my first job, in customer service in the shipping line, it was hard for me to switch back into IT. Maybe it wasn’t really that hard but that was what I felt and I still remember a recruitment agent who told me the company didn’t think I was suitable I didn’t have at least one year of working experience..even though I have already been working for more than a year by then. What they were looking for was 1 year of IT working experience. It was sad really but I didn’t give up just yet because that was what I had set myself to do, to get back into the IT career path.

I grabbed the first offer that came along, not considering long enough if I really could do this. I ended up hating what I do and quit in less than a month. Another offer came a few months after that, it wasn’t the most fantastic job..but it’s fine and I was comfortable. I’m still working where I am working now in spite of the distance. While many would cringed at the thought of it, I stayed on and got used to the distance. There was a period where I thought I had to look for something which I could learn more on the job, to find something more challenging when I realize this isn’t going to bring me very far.
However, I stayed on a little longer because the desire to change a job wasn’t strong. Do you know that you need a burning desire when you hunt for a job? At least for me. Then, I’d really focus on looking for a job. Making sure my resume is in spick-and-span, making sure I prepare well for the interview (when I totally blew my first interview during this recent job hunt) and mentally preparing myself for it.

I would say the trigger to the hidden desire to look for a better opportunity was during my visit to the career fair. It opened my eyes again to the bountiful job opportunities and areas that I could explore in and I really felt so small. There are so much to learn out there and I feel that I’m not exposed enough.

Without really refraining myself but maybe striking off jobs that I know I wouldn’t enjoy pursuing, I tried to apply for jobs that I think I could venture into. And so far, I’ve attended 4 interviews with varied job scope, namely designing, software testing and IT auditing. Now, I’ve got one 2nd interview, one 1st interview and waiting for a reply for a position.

Because this job offer came so fast, faster than I ever expected, it puts me into a headache mode, because I’m waiting to attend the other interviews and then compare and choose the one I think would provide me the opportunity to grow in a longer term. I could have just took up this first offer I’m getting right now if at the same time, I do not have any other interviews or waiting for other replies. But because I know I still have options, that’s why I don’t feel like jumping into conclusion.

It may be good or bad. Maybe when I miss this first offer, I don’t even get offers for interviews that I’m going to attend. Then maybe I’ll kill myself or something. (I know I won’t but it’s just an expression.) But it could also be, I may get something that is better or something that I’d love doing or something that could allow me to build my career on. I’m just trying to chart my career path as best as I can.

Writing this down and spilling it out makes me feel a little better now. Sometimes after answering a phone call, my mind goes jammed, I think and think and I just can’t concentrate on my work. I’ve also been driving with my mind still thinking about the same thing. I wake up thinking about it the first thing in the morning and before I go to bed. Sometimes I even dream of it. And I think I’m going crazy soon for making myself think too much.

I can only say job hunting is a mind torturing process.

Today is the first time that I actually declined a job offer. I’ve never done this before. I have only declined attending job interviews when I have already a job back then.

Some would say what is so hard of rejecting an offer but for me, there’s this feeling of me feeling bad for rejecting and all that crap. But then, it is something I have to do if I don’t really feel good about accepting an offer after putting in much thought and consideration.

I know I have been talking to some of you and those who have been “bothered” by me may go wondering, “What’s wrong with this lady?” But I really thank you .. for listening to me even though maybe sometimes it might get a little boring listening to my stories. And let me warn you, I’ll still need to borrow your ears..and I hope you’d be kind enough to lend it to me.

I just cannot keep problems to myself. I don’t expect someone to solve all the problems for me..because that’s just impossible but I do like to share, talk it out and gather some opinions. And even if I decide to keep a problem to myself, it gets bottled up and subsequently, it still needs to get out from my heart to my mouth and to your ears. Of course, I would then choose to only disclose to people who would not laugh at me and my problems.

What do you do when you attend a second interview and you’re being offered the job on the spot? And they want you to start immediately, as in go in the next working day, resign and ask if you can leave in less than 7 days? Because if you don’t, you may not have the job because they can’t wait for you?

And at the same time, you don’t hate your current job that you want to quit in an instance…and actually for the first time, you wanted to make a proper exit by leaving 30 days later..or maybe slightly earlier. But definitely not extremely early.

But at the same time (This is the main reason I would say), you’re still waiting and hoping for other offers that you will know the answer to in just a few more days?

Especially so for a job that may not pay as well as the others (but then who knows? but then that’s not the point why I like the job) that I’ve been dreaming day and night that I wish I will get it? Occasionally walking up to your mum and telling her…”MUM, I WANT THIS!! HOW? I DIDN’T THINK I DID WELL ENOUGH TO LEAVE A VERY GOOD IMPRESSION.”

What do you do?

You go for a haircut for a hair that’s already short, stare blankly at the sky…hoping that God will drop that dream job of yours from the sky.

PRAY, GRACIE. PRAY!

…is going to be a month of new opportunities…I hope.

This is a very nice Korean series showing on KBS every Monday and Tuesday nights from 9pm to 10:15pm. I didn’t get to catch the first few episodes and I think now it’s near the ending. Again, it was Mummy who got hooked on it first before asking me to watch it too.

Sangat menyentuh hati. Sangat menyayat hati.

I LOVE IT. I LOVE KBS.

and so, life goes on.

The Bali trip is not going to happen and I’ve come to terms with it. I guess when God takes something away from you, He gives something back to you.

I attended 2 interviews today and after each interview, I received an email (during lunch) and a phone call (while I was driving home after my 2nd interview), for an interview invitation. Quite speechless but I’m also very happy.

In fact, today is one of the more interesting days so far. First interview venue was just 5 minutes drive away from my house. It’s just so near! Got interviewed by the Managing Director which I only realised towards the end of the interview. There was a test that I needed to sit at the end of the interview. I was asked to write and draw. To nail this, I would need to go through a 2nd interview, that is if I made an impression today to get a second chance.

Went home for lunch and checked my email. Ta da!!

Left after lunch to my next interview session and I was glad I arrived 45 minutes ahead to give myself ample time to look for parking. This place is a nightmare for parking and as I’ve expected, the place that I wanted to park was full so I had to park somewhere further. Walked downhill and then uphill and then ended up in a maze. Called the office for direction. Got on the correct lift and reached at the right floor. More maze but I managed to find the place. Was sweating as I sat waiting at the sofa, calming and cooling myself down.

To nail this, I also need to go through a second interview. That is also if I made an impression today to get a second chance.

As I was walking towards the car park, it was drizzling. I’m particularly very sensitive to the sound of the motorcycle when I walk alone and there were a few times where I had to turn around to make sure no motorcycle was tailing me. It’s hard really to get out of the grip from something that has haunted you before. I don’t feel a sense of security walking alone, especially when it’s accompanied with the sound of a motorcycle and the area is with no one..as I’ve been mugged before. Anyway, when I saw my car, I actually ran towards it. The car park is quite secluded and there will be practically no one hearing my scream even if I wanted to. But maybe it wasn’t so dangerous lah but sometimes it’s better to be paranoid than to be ignorant.

Both the interviews today made me feel much better than the first one I had a few weeks ago. Aku rasa SHIOK hari ini. Tapi tak boleh terlalu shiok sebab ada 2 lagi aku kena prepare.

AZA AZA HUAITING!

Hanis.