Blog

What I think is the most boring CNY I’ve ever had is slightly turning for the better. I have been eating but not with a very good appetite. I’m seeing that I’m eating more now that I’m in Kota Kinabalu, with no horrible rain or too much sun. Mum said I looked stressed and tired until last night, she said I looked good.

I’m typing this from a very nice hotel room, clad in pyjamas and topping it off with a bathrobe. Alone and enjoying the peace. This is the first solitude moment I’ve had since the last 10 days. I enjoy moments like these.

Mum called me from Sandakan while I’m in KK, saying there’s lion dance performance at the basketball court in front of my house. Kills me. If I had known, I would have taken a later flight to KK. It’s weird they are having it on a week day afternoon! Oh well, I hope I can get to see some lion dance while I’m in KK.

Mummy has been telling me it has been raining heavily for 2 days but I didn’t know how bad it was until I got home. When we departed from LCCT, it was raining. When I landed at Sandakan airport, it was raining too. And since then, it has been raining ever since so I’ve not seen the sun since I came back.

Reading the news, looking at photos makes me feel a little sad. I’ve not seen my hometown this way before. The amount of rain has caused floods, landslides, and lives of a few. Was without water supply for 2 days already and with that, we had to implement our contingency plan like we always do when there is no water supply. Luckily there’s rain for us to store water and we have been using rain water for toilet flushing. I’m glad that the electricity at my housing area is fine. It’s quite a norm thing here to always have no electricity or water or both at the same time. It has gotten better now compared to years before but I think it can still be improved.

Have mostly been staying at home, unless when we need to go out for meals. Hoping for better weather for days to come. At least, I hope to see the sun shining on Chinese New Year day.

Catching a glimpse of another plane flying pass amidst the clouds while I’m on the plane. What are the odds?

I cannot believe January is going to end soon and February is just a hop away!

The beginning of 2011 has been a pretty busy one for me. It feels like I’ve done so much in a month compared to many months combined in one last year. I have a long list of errands to complete and it seems never-ending. My spring cleaning project for CNY is not done yet and I doubt I can get it done completely so tomorrow I need to jot down the most important ones and do it really quickly…so that the major parts are taken care of. Some things still need to be arranged and stored nicely…but since time does not permit, I’m just going to make sure it gets stored at least so that it’s not spread on the floor.

Despite that, I’m very proud and pleased with the progress and how much I’ve done. I’ve never really had this desire and motivation to really want to spring clean the house in a big way. The previous year, I keep feeling like I’ve never put in enough effort so this year, I just want to give my house some love. The clutter took time to grow so I just told myself it takes time to declutter too so I shouldn’t feel that bad if I can’t finish it in a short time. What’s important is I keep doing it and sooner or later, I will achieve my goal.

There is one part of the dining area that has been an eye sore for me. Now I smile just looking at my dining area, every single time, for the past few days.

Tomorrow is going to be my last day of work before I go on holiday. 2 WEEKS OFF!!!

This CNY will be different because it’s my last one spent as being in the 20s. Next year, I’m going to hit the big 30, which means I seriously need to get a boyfriend/husband. More friends are not coming back to my hometown for CNY. They are either married or attached so you see…like I said..as you grow older, CNY changes. I’m going to treasure this CNY, spend quality time with my parents and friends whom I’ll get to see when I go back.

When I come back, I wanna feel refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to take on the world again. In fact, my new year resolution of learning a new language will happen after CNY. Then, it’s time to re-think if I should stay or move on to new challenges and environment. I need to be more savvy in financial planning. I just want to do things that I want to do while I still can.

I wish you a safe and happy trip home this Chinese New Year.

You know…sometimes I wish we had a subject called “Financial Planning” in school. If only we had that, I think it would save people from lots of headaches and problems. I wished there were more information readily available and knowledge being shared on how to save, how to manage your money, how to handle your loans, how they affect you, what are the processes like, what are the situations you’ll meet if you do or don’t do certain things, how to invest.  The only thing I learnt in school  is menabung. I used to enjoy dropping coins into my piggy bank…well it was a camel, maybe I should call it camel bank. That’s about it. I did not grow up like how my others friends did, in terms of having allowance when you go to school.

I don’t have the 50 cents that I can go to the canteen to buy things with. I just didn’t had any. It wasn’t necessary because Mummy would pack food for me to be eaten during recess. I didn’t had to go to the canteen. I had no clue how to get a hot steaming bowl of noodle from the primary school canteen, how much it cost and I was always awed by looking others scrambling through the crowd to get that bowl of noodle.

Coming to think of it, I don’t even know how I got the coins to be dropped into my camel bank. I guess they are loose change from my parents. Although I didn’t get daily, weekly or monthly allowance back then, I think my parents’s form of allowance to me and my sister is in the form of saving for us. It is only when you are older that you appreciate how thoughtful they are in looking into the future for you. I am definitely going to do the same for my kids even if they can only feel the real meaning to it when they turn 29.

I went to Bank Negara yesterday to get my credit report. I never knew what a credit report is. I didn’t even know there is a self-service kiosk that you can get the report from. It was a friend’s friend that is facing a similar situation I’m in that wanted to share with me what he knows and what I should know so that I don’t get into unwanted situations. I knew what I could get myself into even if I wasn’t the one putting myself intro trouble. This has been troubling me for years now. No matter how bleak it looks now and how stagnant it is and how helpless I am because someone is not responding and thinking problems will just evaporate by ignoring what is going on, disregarding my pleas, I am still hopeful and I know I will get this solved one day.

It was also this friend that kind of pushed me into solving this. I’ve never had the courage because I was lost and I didn’t know what to do. I was very afraid. I was just waiting and waiting, hoping I’ll get to meet someone who I can share this with and this person will go through this with me. It’s been years so I think I should just stop hoping someone will be my my side to go through this with me together. Whether or not that’s going to happen, it is still my problem and I should be one to braved through it no matter how it sucks. I didn’t want to share with too many people because it was a very stupid thing I did out of kindness but really…I don’t think it’s kindness anymore when people take you for granted and puts you into such miserable situation when it all started with you with the only intention to help but ending up getting into shit. I’m neither here nor there.

I’ve forced myself and pushed myself to just take that first step to do something. Just make a call and so I did, the last week. The problem isn’t solved but at least I know what I’m into. What are the possible solutions and what I can do for now. In some way, I feel better because I have an idea of what it is about compared to maybe 2 years ago. I told my friend if she knew how I was feeling now with all these. She said she knows, I must be feeling terrible. Then I told her, yes but I also feel like I’m an investigator and police detective. I have never used so much my my brains and my heart and my tears and my fears into one thing, I don’t even know how to describe it. There are mornings and they are also nights that I’ll be thinking about it for a long time before I go to bed or before I get up from the bed.

In fact, I’m glad I’m still alive. Whatever it is, whether or not I like it, this is what is happening now so I don’t want to be afraid anymore. This is indeed a test but Gracie, as long you keep trying, I’m sure the light will come.

Through this all, I discovered I am the kind of person who whenever possible will not get help from others. I want to try, try and try to solve it by myself before asking. Sometimes, I think I should learn to get help. I have this thinking that if I get help from others without even trying it by myself, I’m not doing enough on my part first in order to have the privilege to get help from others. I think there is a need for me to help others whenever I can but it’s ok and I allow myself to suffer in silence in certain situation and knowing no one will ever know if I don’t announce it to the world. But I’m like that but I’m also trying to allow others to help me. This is also happening at work. I’m the only one doing what I do…so I’m sinking into this habit of becoming very very independent. Not by choice but the situation is such that I have to be that way. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad but I have to manage what I have on the plate, I make sure I see things through because there is no one else who would take care of it but me. I have this drive and motivation to keep things in control, I want my work to be done well. In short, at the end of the day, I want to go home, feeling I’ve done my best everyday at work.

I’m asking a lot of whys lately and how. I’m not asking my mum but I’m asking Google. 🙂

At a certain point, I think I’m overloaded with information but at the same time, I feel happy that I’m curious and I’m learning. Even though those things are very small things.

I’m learning new words too through this discovery procress. For example, rice weevils, tile grout.

I’ve not cooked rice for so long, my container of rice has got this little black bugs in it. Very annoying and I never know how they even exist in the rice container in the first place. I usually get 1KG of rice because it’s just two of us, sometimes one, sometimes we don’t even cook. This is a 5KG rice supply bought when my mum was still in KL so it is a lot and it also means there are a lot of rice weevils. I’ve taken out all that I can…shaking the container, the weevils move up and I sweep them away. But I don’t think I can clear 100% of it. And I’m not sure if I’ll die consuming those rice but I don’t like the either of throwing those rice away….so I really don’t know what I should do. In the end, I did call Mum and she said I can try putting a garlic in it. I’m not sure if it works though but I know how I should handle my rice now. JUST KEEP COOKING!!! DON’T EVER STOP!!!

I’ve never paid much attention to the tiles in my bathroom. They look ok until one fine day, I find that they are stained so bad, I didn’t like at all. No amount of scrubbing worked at first. I mean I was squatting and scrubbing every tile grout that I can see. Yesterday, I managed to cleaned it better than I did the previous times. Part of them looks white now as compared to black. I stood there admiring the whiteness last night,  I squatted admiring the whiteness just now and I told myself it’s going to be all white, slowly but surely. Lesson learnt? Clean more regularly so that I don’t have to dwell into this kind of hardcore cleaning anymore. I think I should start to wear rubber gloves and  slippers when I clean, the bathroom cleaner liquid maybe a bit too harsh for the skin.

One term I chanced upon today is debt diet. I like these 2 words.

The best word I have for myself now is SLEEP!

I cooked lunch and dinner today. It feels good but dawned upon me that I need to brush it up a little on the cooking skills.

When you’ve not cooked for a while, you find things that are expiring, things that actually expired and you’re still eating it. So you see, when you cook, you got to keep cooking so that you have control over your kitchen. Now, it feels like the kitchen is controlling me.

I cleaned even though I only started cleaning at 8pm. I snapped when my sister came back after being out the whole day to only hear her say she’s going out again.

Her weekends are so packed that I find it hard to breathe. Coming back late and then waking up late the next day and going out again merely after waking up, came back to bathe and out she goes again. She’s not back yet at this hour and I’m not sure whether to be worried or angry.

My weekends can be packed but will never be as packed as hers because I need a lot of me-time and when I feel the need of not meeting anyone that weekend, I block it out just for me, myself and I.

Considering that I have more free time on the weekends, I do the cleaning. But if I get into the mode of who’s cleaning more and who’s not cleaning at all, I get mad! Like today. Although I tried hard to suppress the feeling, it surfaced too. Not full- blown but enough to give out a hint. She didn’t say bye when she went out so I know she wasn’t happy too.

From now on, I’m going to take cleaning the house as my sole responsibility because I don’t want to get mad or upset or count anymore. If she cleans, it’s a bonus. I understand very well, you can’t force someone to clean, it must come from within, else it’s not real cleaning.

She’s home. Time for bed. I need patience, energy and lots of friendliness to take care of someone new tomorrow.

Second week of 2011, hello!!!