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1.45AM to be exact. Can’t sleep. Typing from iPhone. Makes me want to sleep because screen is so tiny.

“To acquire love…
fill yourself up with it until you become a magnet.”

– Charles Haanel

A few months ago, I wished I had more things to do. A few months later, I have so much to do. I like it that I’m busy because I want to go to bed and then wake up, looking forward to start the day and get my work done.

I got a call from a headhunter last weekend. It has been for the same company but different headhunters calling me over the span of one year or more. The last I counted, it was 3. I don’t have the things they want to begin with so I’m not very sure how they are matching the skill sets that I have (which I think isn’t very impressive and can be further polished) with what the job requires. Just reading the job description makes me wonder how I”m going to pull off such a big task…and it’s really not my thing to work as a programmer. I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time so it’s a no.

I like being where I am now. The longer I stay, the harder it is I feel like letting go. It’s not perfect…not like it would be…but it’s perfect enough for me now.

I like my hair. The length that I like. My fringe has grown longer too and I’m sweeping it to the side. Not sure if I should keep it shorter and have a fringe covering my forehead or something swept to the side, revealing a bit of my forehead. I’m looking myself at the mirror longer than I used to. I like this too because it means I’m finally in love with myself again.

I will be working late this whole week, probably the next as well. I like the peace and silence of the workplace once most of them have left. It’s me, my laptop and today I felt like listening to songs. Songs from IRIS OST. The next one I have for you is an instrumental piece and I think it’s very lovely. Makes me feel like playing the piano.

I’m actually feeling better. Not as negative as I was the past few weeks. Like I said I didn’t feel like talking at all but I’m slowly opening up myself again. I’m going to put the things that bother me behind. It’s when you’re alone and you feel like you’re not lonely that brings the good out of you. I like it that I can handle this pretty well at times.

It’s okay if my love is not here yet. I don’t want to keep thinking about it as well. It was bad the last time but I know it would be fantastic the next time. My friend told me I always look sad and then it scares people away, at least she thought it wouldn’t make her want to approach me. I think she’s right. I’ve been putting on my sad face…sometimes not sad but you can sense the sadness below it. Don’t say about the others…I know what my face shows because I know how I feel.

It’s okay and it’s necessary and it’s right to look sad when you really really feel sad..when you have a reason to be sad. But I don’t have any particular reason to be sad. I’m fine. So…it’s very very wrong to look sad when you’re not sad at all because…that’s really is sad.

So…really…I don’t know why I’m showing the world that sad face. I can turn it to a pretty one…a very pretty one by just you know..remove the sadness, smile a bit when you walk, be in touch with others…and not create a bubble to withdraw yourself from the world. I think I’ve been feeling all bad and sad in whatever way I want and I think it’s enough.

Happy people attract happy things.

Imagination is everything.
It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.

– Albert Einstein

There is just something not right about not putting my words here before I sleep. It’s late but I can’t help it. It’s as if I am suppressing my thoughts if I don’t and I know what I put off today won’t be the same tomorrow. I wrote one last night and then I got too sleepy…and it will be a draft until I decide to publish it.

I have a dream. I have always been thinking about this dream. It seemed easy but it’s not. I like the fact that it’s difficult. I like the fact that I don’t know anything about it, how to go about it so I’m like a blank canvas. It’s up to me to colour it and I can either choose to paint a little of it and quit or I can paint it the most beautiful way as I possibly can.

Sometimes I get frustrated that I don’t get to paint it as much as I would love to. Sometimes life doesn’t let you focus 100% on the things you want. I do not want to get angry or disheartened with the fact that it would take up a longer time than I thought it would. I don’t want to give up just because it’s not materialising fast. I don’t want a half-hearted piece of work. I want to give it my all.

I visualise and dream about how my canvas would be like. I dreamt about how beautiful it would be and I still think it would be even though I don’t really know how I’m going to do that. I just figured, each time I’m lost at something, I’ll just need to learn and resolve it, get back on track and progress again. What’s so hard about that?

What thrills me is that…this is just the beginning. The journey will be long but I’m all excited about it.

I can’t wait to get my hands on IRIS OST CD. Because it is so good, I’m going to get an original CD and I play and play and play it in my car, in my house, in my head, in my dreams.

My current favourite..”Can’t I Love” by Seo In Young. Love her voice.

Hello! 🙂

It’s back to myself again. I have more time to myself now…for now..so I better make full use of it.

My only entertainment when I come home everyday now…for now until my favourite Korean series ends…is to sit on the sofa and enjoy watching television. Mummy was very happy with this because I wasn’t sitting in front of the PC. Oh well, but today I sat in front watching both PC and the TV because I have very important work to do.

I’ve been listening to Kim Tae Woo’s “Dreaming Dream”, one of the songs from IRIS soundtrack. I like both main and ballad version. Ballad version is very soothing and I’ve been repeating it for weeks.

I feel like staying home this weekend, like really stick to the house, enjoying every inch of it. I spent the last weekend walking in the shopping mall. Walked for 2 days in search of a cheongsam which Mummy wanted to get. We finally found out that suits her in terms of size, price, design and material. I thought it was a good buy and I felt so relieved after getting it because it made her happy.

Why does a guy hints to you he’s interested but acts otherwise? And then I thought, if he’s really into you, nothing can stop him from pursuing you. Why must I be thinking and coming out with possibilities or reasons of why he’s acting so? I’ve done that enough in the past, building clouds of pictures of possibilities to guard the impression and image I have for that person…but really, it means nothing.

I started the first Monday of the year falling sick. Took the day off today to get some rest. I practically slept the whole day since last night. I had so much sleep that I feel so much awake now. But I know I need to get some normal sleep after I finish writing this piece.

It still didn’t feel quite much like it’s the new year for me. The transition wasn’t that great since I fell sick but I should have seen it coming since I’ve been staying up late for the past couple of days. It is hard to just feel great all of a sudden just because the new year is staring at me. What I mean is I don’t want to feel great just because it is the beginning of a new year and then the feeling slowly dies off as the time goes by…and then you make another resolution the next year and then it repeats.

I don’t want too much to change. There are a few critical issues that I need to work on but the rest can maintain as it is.

I listed down a list of things that happened in year 2009 in a separate post like I would every end of the year, just to give myself a flashback and review of what’s happened and what I’ve achieved. I don’t like the idea of listing them down because it doesn’t really mean anything so I want to write it in summary of what 2009 was for me.

I had one of the most draining resignation ever. It was a hard decision to make. It was either to go back to what I think excites and makes my eyes glitter and make my heart pound or continue to something that may not excite me that much but would pay better. I don’t like the idea of working just because it pays well because then I don’t think I live a life. The pay is important but so long as I feel I can live with it and can still support myself…I think I’m alright. It is very easy to just go towards the money but there are many little things that weigh me down. So long as I can still work in a place where I can get along with the environment and people then I’m happy.

Year 2009 was an emotional ride for me. The past continues to haunt me but I think I’m slowly breaking out of it. It reminded me that no matter how kind you are, it doesn’t guarantee that someone will not hurt you. I think back about the people I used to love and I guess my mistake was that I never took the time to really learn and know them before plunging into a relationship. I’ve always had this innocent thought that if someone likes or loves me, I shouldn’t just throw the opportunity away. Why? Because I was afraid no one else was going to love me if I did.

Now..the next person I’m going to fall in love with will be someone who will start off as a friend. He’ll learn about me and I’ll learn about him. We’ll be comfortable in each other’s arms. We will look cute together. We’ll share the same goal and work towards it. We’ll make a great couple.

I’ve never blatantly wrote this because I thought it was embarrassing and the least I’d thought it would happen to me but I’ll write this out today because I want to leave it behind. I was introduced to a guy by a friend. A friend that had good intention to match make us and had me believing the guy was interested too. Somehow along the way, the agenda found its twist and I was still living in a dream. When reality sets in, I discovered the ugly truth that this friend was doing lots of hanky panky behind my back to win this guy’s heart. And she got him. Never in my life had I felt so cheated by a friend. It affected me, in the way I trust people and I was coping with it by having to stare at the couple when they appear in front of me.

It’s really nothing now, now that it’s over. It wasn’t so much that I lose out on the chance on the guy but it was the friendship that I had with this friend that boiled and disappoint me. I sometimes wonder how she’s doing because I’m refraining myself to be friendly and kind to people who don’t care about how I feel. I don’t want them to think I’m okay with it by being friendly, like nothing happened. But on the other hand, I don’t want to bear this grudge. So what I’ve decided to do..is to just let go. I’ll still say hello if we bump into each other but I can never be the kind friend she used to have.

When you lose something, God gives you something back. I’m very grateful that I found a friend that was helping me through to get out of the situation and still remain a very true friend to me now. We may not have known each other for long but it seems like she knows me for so long. She seems to be able to understand me so well without even the need to explain so much.

What I want to see in 2010 is to excel at work, get my project up and running and be really focused in it. I need to lose some fat on the tummy. I’m looking forward to the day I’m getting my braces off. It’s near. I want to spend a lot of time with my sister to make up the years we’ve been apart. I’d like to love someone. I need to exercise more and lead a healthy lifestyle. I’d like to go travelling with good travelling companions. I want to go to a new country this year. Most of all, I want this to be a happier year than 2009.

Took this picture while enjoying the fireworks from One Utama and The Curve. I like this photo even though the fireworks seem blurry. It was towards the end, hence the smoky sky and it lightens up in shades of purple.

Hello 2010!