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I like my hair now. Still very short but not too short like a month ago.

I need to smile more.

I screwed up at work yesterday. Probably it wasn’t that bad but because I spent most of the day on it and to realise in the end that it was all wrong…I felt bad. Was staring at the monitor for a while, trying to think of the consequences and whether it’s reversible and how long it’ll take to be fixed.

I woke up today not knowing what to expect in response to what I did yesterday. But I told myself it won’t be that bad…but just in case I was wrong…I decided to just dress my favourite skirt so that I feel better myself. It turned out fine in the end. And what I thought was major…is now just peanuts.

I cannot stop thinking about the actor from the Korean series “The Queen Returns”. Handsome. Loving.

I’m getting quieter lately. It’s so natural and easy for others to respond to a conversation or just any random statements. It’s quite a task for me, especially of late. I used to be quiet but not this way. Sometimes I don’t think it’s quiet but more to isolating myself. Like I don’t want to be involved. I just want to be listening, not participating but still in the loop.

I think situation or challenges in life that affects us somehow changes us to behave differently thereafter. I’m more wary about the people and friends around me. Sometimes I still can’t get over the fact that a friend that I used to trust so much and gotten close to…turns out not quite what I expected to be. I would wonder why a friend can do things behind you even when you treat them well and treat them as real and true friends. It does bother me once in a while. Sometimes I find myself trying not to stay in touch because logically I shouldn’t. Why do I need to be nice when the other party isn’t and is not sensitive towards how I feel? But somewhere in my heart, I have this longing to know if my friend is doing okay, like I want to care for a friend.

I know this is one of my weaknesses. I can love you and then that person makes me hate him/her and then after sometime, I may not feel that I love you but I know I still at least care for you, to want to know if you’re doing well. I don’t know if this is what forgiveness is like. But for all I know…there’s a possibility that I may decide to love you back again but the cycle repeats and then I”ll feel like shit. More shitty than the first time. So I guess I’m really tired about this part and there are times…I don’t know if I should bare my heart to a person…because I’ve misjudged once.

It is very painful to hate and I’ve been trying to define my feelings because I want to know what makes me feel and act towards isolation. One of the things I look forward to now is a day that I complete my work and get the job done well. Come home to have a meal, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends, now with my mum. Watch some tv..try to write more. Make use of the extra time that I have on my personal goal that I’ve set for myself. Trying each day to be braver, just trying to walk ahead and drop those things that upsets me as I go on.

The most important word I’ll need to emphasise to myself is FOCUS.

Lately, I find that I want to do so many things, I need to do so many things, I want to learn so many things….that I don’t know where to start, how to start and when to start.

I’ll be doing this thing for a minute then the next day, you’ll see me doing another, with the first one still not complete…but you keep seeing me drifting away as I go on doing other things without completing the ones before.

A very simple example would be…I have in mind that I want to download the printer driver and software as I turned on the PC but somehow…I end up surfing and reading about other stuff and then I forget about the whole driver download and only realised it after I switched off the PC. Very shitty I tell you.

I have books lying on the table because I’ve been telling myself I want to learn and pick up an additional skill or two.

I also have this habit on reading blogs and you know some of them come with multiple links within a blog, the tutorial or tips on how to do something…stuff on WordPress, web design, Photoshop, CSS and etc. I’ll be very excited, I’ll open whatever link I find interesting in a new tab. But the thing is…at the end, I just don’t quite feel that I’ve really learned something fully because I’m greedy, I want to read everything that is appearing on the tabs and then it gets too overwhelmed and then I bookmark everything….(but I also know I won’t go back to dig those bookmarks) and then it repeats again the next time I get excited over new stuff I find on the Internet.

I also don’t feel like looking at my savings account and credit card bill. Been telling myself to save but I keep buying things.

My car….I think maybe dah 2 bulan tak cuci. I tengok budak tu I kesian. And it’s throwing tantrum on me because the cover of the fuel tank sometimes do not want to pop out.

The only thing I can focus and be really disciplined is I’ll make sure I’m seated in front of the television every Wednesday and Thursday night to watch my Korean series.

I think I’m in a mess lor. I don’t know if I’m giving myself too many things to do. But I just feel that I need to learn something each day. I don’t want to let life just pass me by. I just want to feel skilled and be able to feel confident, to be really good at something because if you ask me now what I’m good at….I don’t know how to answer you.

Now I need to focus on sleeping and then I shall wake up tomorrow morning to at least complete one thing and strike it off my to-do-list.

If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.

December is here and as the year comes to an end, I’ll be getting busier. I like it that I’m busy because it means I’m closer to what I want to accomplish and achieve.

Received compliment today and I’m happy.

I actually have a lot to say but because I’ve not written for so long, the words just doesn’t flow.

Next time lah ok?

I’m not feeling really well. Tummy is painful, with wind and gas swirling around it. Feeling cold too..not sure if the fever is coming. Don’t think if this has got to do with the extraction…just maybe lack of sleep and a lot of thinking and doing very new things that shakes me out of my comfort zone lately. It’s exciting and scary at the same time.

While I was working on something today, I realised what I’ve learnt before this was put into use, in a way I’ve never thought it could be. I didn’t know what good it was to learn it anyway but I had to because I work for others thus I do not always have the privilege to choose what I like or don’t like to do. I could feel a smile drawing on my face and then I just thought what I’m going to do and learn to do from these coming weeks onwards is going to be for a reason. I do not know what good it would bring me and the results may not be immediate….but I’m sure even the slightest lesson you learn everyday is something you’ll own and no one can ever take it away from you. The good thing is that….you can always pass it on and teach others.

Actually, I like teaching…if I teach someone who really wants to learn.

I just have a feeling that I won’t be doing this corporate thingy for the rest of my life. I would someday like to be in business. I really don’t want to be clocking in and out everyday, abiding by the red tapes. It may be harder being in business but at least I know I have something of my own. It’s going to take time but my mind is set to go towards that direction. I really want to do it.

I don’t know what’s going on but tonight the Internet is down again. So I called Streamyx again and once again, they performed miracle. I really hope I won’t need to call them again for the same problem tomorrow.

Internet was down when I came home and so I got a bit depressed since I cannot live without the Internet.

I was thinking of trying tomorrow to see if it works….but after 2 hours I decided to pick up the phone and call for help. The best thing is it was fixed around 5 minutes. WOW! This is the fastest response I ever get from Streamyx. The guy helped to “refresh” my line, whatever that means. Impressed.

I was expecting them to ask me go through the can- you-connect-manually stuff and all the crap but I’m glad I didn’t have to. All I did was turn off the modem and turn it on again and VOILA!

Hari ini aku stress.

Lepas meeting tu, hatiku layang entah ke mana.

Don’t know if it’s good or bad news. I’m trying to think of the good but the bad part keeps creeping in because I’m thinking of the worst scenario that can ever happen. It is really about doing something that scares me and it’s going to be for a while. Maybe it would get easier but for now I don’t know how easy or hard it would get so I don’t really know…for all I know because I don’t know ..that’s why I’m worried and scared. But I also know worrying about it now doesn’t help make it any easier but I just can’t help it. *im starting to talk crap*

I need some courage and confidence. I think I can do it if I set my heart to…but because it comes in too suddenly, I don’t know what to feel or think.

Gracie,  it’s time to grow. You’ve been idling for too long and your brains are starting to rot, not because you want to but the situation you are in makes you such. Now..maybe it’s the time to polish up and maybe who knows….you may be good at this. Give it a try. I’m sure even if you can’t do well, you won’t die. If the people you saw on the Oprah show today can make it even in such a hopeless circumstances, why do you think you can’t?

That’s my sister’s name. And that’s also the latest Korean drama I so happened to accidentally watch on KBS world, Channel 303 on Astro. It was showing the first 2 episodes and it is so awesome, I had to write about it. I was lying on the sofa to check this drama out then I went from lying to holding my pillow tightly…then from holding it tightly, to hugging it like I’m hugging someone I love…then it’s back to hugging it tightly…then I was crushing and squeezing my pillow because it was SO SWEET, I wanted to melt.

It’s action, thriller, romance, mystery packed in one. I TELL YOU LOR IT HAS BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME A DRAMA WILL BLOW ME AWAY JUST LIKE THAT. NOW I’M TYPING THIS AND WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE WHILE MAKING MY HAIR MESSY….because I can’t believe this is happening. hahaha.

Suddenly I have a goal in life. HEHE.

Now where’s my Astro programme book?

This is the OST of the drama. “Don’t Forget” by Baek Ji-young. I can’t wait to watch the following episodes.