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I like my outfit today. I like my butt.

I was getting out of the house when I saw this meow lying relaxingly on the staircase. Unperturbed even though I appeared shocked to see it. I’d like to believe it’s a she. So I smiled and said hello. It kept staring at me wondering what this crazy lady is doing early in the morning. Okay, it was 9 something so it wasn’t early anymore.

Then, I called my mum.

“Faster come!!! Got meow meow!!!”

So, out came my mum and she was laughing and told the cat, “You naughty ah!”

Meow looked like she couldn’t be bothered with the two of us.

I gave her a last smile as I walked down the stairs. She looked back. 🙂

Suddenly I’m reminded of the frog. I was swimming last week. It rained before that but it was dry when I was swimming…the water was super cold though. While I was making my way to the other end of the pool, I saw something wriggling in the water. My eyes opened bigger than normal and ewwww…a swimming frog in the pool. I made an immediate U-turn and swam towards where I came from. This time I was being careful whether there could be other frogs in the water. As I swam passed, I saw another one waiting by the side of the pool. I swear to God if it jumped, I’ll be the country’s next swimming medalist. How not to swim faster with a frog in the pool?

I gave up lor. Even though I only swam less than one lap that night, I really really cannot make myself swim with frogs. I got up and went home.

Lesson learnt: Do not swim on rainy days, even when it has stopped raining.

• Working is about making your boss look good. When bosses look good, they feel good and you will be on the good side too.
• When I don’t like doing something, I will ask why. I will put myself in the position of a boss and when I understand why it is needed, I will feel better..maybe I still don’t like doing it but I know why I’m doing it.
• I’m thankful for having supportive people around me, especially at times like these.
• I have a different definition of life now. It’s all about changes and adapting to changes.
• It’s about having surprises everyday.
• It’s about dealing with one thing at a time when things get too overwhelming.
• It’s about counting my blessings.
• It’s about getting rid of bad people and staying a distance.
• It’s about not looking for love even though I want to.
• It’s about being a better person.
• It’s about getting nearer to accomplish my few pending personal projects.
• It’s about taking the time to look good because you are only young once.
• It’s about things that I want to do, eating food that I want to eat, going places that I want to go to.
• It’s about calling Pappy more often.

I called him yesterday and I know he wasn’t in a very good mood. Not quite the usual him when I call because he would always sound excited to hear me. He gets grumpy very easily now. Maybe it has got to do with the age.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Sitting at the lounge, listening to the band.”

“Are you alone?”

“Yea.”

“So lonesome ah..do you feel lonesome?”

“Sometimes lor. What about you?”

“I’m lonesome too.”

hehehehehehe

He then started expressing things that annoyed him and after a while, I guess he felt better because he started laughing again.

Then, he asked a very cute question. It’s cute because he seldom asks this question.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Aku tengah cari.”

“Okay…no hurry. Take your time. Don’t simply cari.”

HAHA 🙂

It’s 4:09am. I am awake and couldn’t get back to sleep. Lappie that was lying on the floor is such a comfort thing to see. It was smuggled in before I went to bed because I didn’t want to be seen  sitting at my desktop PC in order to escape nagging from beloved mummy.  I find it funny that I’m no longer 7 years old but this is still happening to me. I needed to get something written earlier on because some things must be done and dealt with or else it will never get to see the light of day. Even had to switched off the room light so that mummy thinks that I’m sleeping and then had to switch it back on once she’s inside her bedroom because typing in the dark is bad. oh my goddie.

And now here I am again, just trying to get some random thoughts out so that I can get back to sleep.

• I’m very broke. The worst in many years. Damage is caused by travelling, shopping and eating.
• In spite of that, I’m still glad I went travelling, shopping and eating.
• Going travelling always bring you new thoughts and things to ponder while you experience things that you’ll never get just sitting at your work desk.
• A good or bad experience is still an experience that teaches you something.
• I GOT MYSELF A NEW CAMERA. Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX3. Because life’s too short to live without a good camera.
• I cannot afford a DSLR and don’t feel like bringing a fat bulky thing around. This new cammie is just perfect. Bigger and heavier than my old compact but it is bringing me things that I’ve wanted for so long. This is the part where I’m happy to be broke.
• Need time to play around with it so shall be shooting with auto mode for now.
• Can’t wait for another trip this weekend because I’m going with 2 of my best friends on earth. They are my best friends because I can act silly and I can be totally myself. Because I can be cold and cool at times that I find it so hard to release myself and just talk. It is happening now as a result of being alone over a long period of time. It is hard to find people that you can get along with and be totally yourself. I treasure them very much.
• I cannot stand not being in a relationship. This has been the longest vegetarian period I’ve ever had and I’m already starting to turn into a horrible creature. I can now understand why women who are single in their 30s, 40s and beyond can be a little bit cuckoo on the head. So, I’m trying not to be like that.
• I know it takes time to meet someone, be friends, be good friends, be close friends and then proceed to the next level. And I also know I’m not getting any younger but I also know I don’t want to let age define me. And I certainly know I will meet him. Someone whom I can be serious with and to be silly with.
• This year I’ve not had any luck with love. As when I think I at least have a chance, something tends to pop up. DAH BEBERAPA KALI DAH, AKU BENCI. Am now telling the heart to stop having crushes. Move on move on.

It’s 5 am! Time for bed again. Need to wake up in another hour’s time because I have to be at work exceptionally early today.

Good morning 🙂

Mark your calendar on October 25 2009 (Sunday) because it’s Turtle Blogathon day! The event will start from 9pm and my friend, Pelf and her partners in crime will be blogging non-stop for 24 hours on matters related to marine and freshwater turtles.

Visit the Turtle Conservation Centre website to know more about Turtle Blogathon!

• Just got back from Hong Kong. The trip was just so-so and I know it could have been way better.
• Having a good travel companion is very important. VERY IMPORTANT because it either makes or breaks your holiday.
• Having a good travel companion who takes good pictures is …you know…PERFECT!
• Always do tons of research before going on any trip of your own. Even when your friends say they know how to go about, there’s no harm researching on your own because you will never know how little your friends may know.
• Always wear comfortable walking shoes. It’s okay if it doesn’t look pretty. But if it really matters to you, get a pretty comfortable walking shoes.

I swam on Friday after coming back from work. That’s one thing I did that made me feel so good right after. I need to shed some tummy fat off my body. Let’s just say I need some exercise badly.

I just like being in the water.

So while I was swimming, there was this little kid, a boy that was standing at the end of the pool, looking at me swimming and kept shouting “Hello, Hello”. I couldn’t give him any response because I was swimming and as I heard him saying the non-stop hellos, I figured I needed to reach the end of the pool to reply him with a hello too.

Which I did. And he was satisfied. He stopped helloing me.

It was nothing spectacular but that made my day.

It’s back to the days where I’ve got to do things properly and carefully or otherwise I’ll get screwed.

Things that doesn’t kill you actually disturbs the mind of others. Like how I left my swimming suit and tee soaked in a pail and then Mummy came and made a very sarcastic remark of whether I will be soaking them for a month.

Then Pappy expects you to read his mind to know his itinerary of the day and you’ve got to be in sync with him. I’m their chauffeur for today. Picked him from Jalan Duta and I had to send them to Jalan Semarak. I was a little too confident in thinking I’ll find my way there. Got lost around Jalan Tuanku Abdul Rahman and I had to drop them off to take a cab or they’ll be late.

I don’t know what’s installed next. I’m at home, waiting for their call for their next agenda. One thing’s for sure I MUST know how to get to SS5 later in the evening for a housewarming session or I’ll really die.

I want to take a nap now..because I need the energy to deal with people later.

• It’s been awhile since I took days off for a holiday. It is so nice to just go out and put work behind of my mind. Was down in Singapore the past 2 days to attend my cousin brother’s wedding. A cousin brother whom I’ve not met for a very long time that he doesn’t recognises me.
• Took Aeroline, the double-decker bus down. My first trip to Singapore by bus so it was a new experience for me.
• Met up with a friend for 2 consecutive late nights. Went for movie, “The Ugly Truth”. This is my second serving of the movie but it was cool because this version shown in Singapore is uncensored, unlike the one in Malaysia. Got stopped by Singapore police in the middle of the night when we were in a taxi. It was just usual checking. And I actually felt secure…it’s not the kind of feeling I’ll get if I get stopped by a police here. You won’t know what will happen. One of the reason I like Singapore is the sense of security when I walk on the streets. Tak payah nak jalan macam tikus.
• As always, after a trip somewhere, when I don’t get to think about work (maybe a little), I ponder over other stuff.
• I think I’ve lost the enthusiasm that I used to have. Enthusiasm towards life…towards anything. I just feel that I don’t care much about stuff anymore. I used to be very curious and when I’m really into something, I’ll get all hyped up. It just doesn’t feel the same anymore that it scares me.
• I used to blog almost everyday but I don’t anymore because I don’t have anything substantial to write…not that this piece is substantial but I need to get my wacky thoughts out of my mind.
• So…I’m tracing back what makes me feel this way. I just thought maybe I used to put too much feeling into something and I always question if it adds value or if it is meaningful. The truth is…we don’t always get to choose to do something that adds value or is meaningful. Sometimes we just got to do things because that’s how it’s supposed to be.
• I know I’ll get very disheartened if I put too much soul into something and it doesn’t go my way…so in some way, to protect myself from feeling horrible, I choose not to put too much soul and not to care too much…but it’s really not helping. I get into a kind of trend that I don’t get excited about anything anymore.
• And with the things that are happening lately…just doesn’t help a single bit. I used to care a lot for other people. My friends..my family. But it’s getting different now. It was Pappy’s birthday yesterday. I bought him a card before my trip to Singapore but I forgot to bring it along to Singapore where we celebrated his birthday. This is not me. And while I can go get another in Singapore even though it was hard because Pappy was always with us all the time, I didn’t get one either. Anyway, we had dinner in one of the restaurants along Orchard Road but I just felt that I should have done more.
• I used to fill his birthday cards with lots of words. I used to be very expressive. Now the card gets really empty..at least for the past year or so. Be it Father’s Day card or birthday card.
• I need to find Grace back.
• My friends are very concerned about my single status. I’ve got a friend who wants so much to introduce me to guys. She’ll ask me to go out her with some other of her eligible guy friends. The thing is as much as I would like to be in the loop again, to be in a relationship…I just don’t feel quite like it when people arrange such outings for me. I just feel so unnatural that I actually am starting to reject the next invitation.
• People at the workplace is also behaving the same. Never in my life where I have so many people getting very interested in my relationship status at one time. They are so interested about it so much so that I feel so not interested about it. I don’t even know what I am anymore.
• All I know that things must change. I need to be more enthusiastic. I need to put the passion back into my life. I shouldn’t care too much about getting hurt or being disappointed. I should maybe just allow that…then at least I know I’m living a life.
• I’m not living one now because I’m protecting myself by holding myself back. I’m not all into it. I’m at the surface..just hanging around on the surface because I’m afraid what lies beneath and beyond. Just one word to summarise it all…I’m cold.
• I used to like the old me. Although I was once the naive and innocent me, at least I really put my soul into things that I do. Be it loving someone or doing something. I didn’t quite care what the outcome will be like. I just wanted to do it. I know going through heartbreaks changes a person and I think that’s what makes me ..me now. Afraid after being hurt..but I know I must come out of this shell…and give it another shot.
• I need to fall in love with myself again, then maybe someone.

Spent the weekend with a girlfriend. I am just glad that I have a friend like her. It is comforting to know that I’ve got other friends to count on…when I know I’ve lost one. I’ve never experienced treating a friend like a true friend, to do no harm or have any ill attention but somehow in the end, someone you call a friend can just choose to break a friendship like that.

When a guy does this to me when a relationship has turned sour, I can fully comprehend because I know love can turn into hatred. But never in my mind would I think friendship can end up that way too. It feels weird and I don’t quite know how to describe the feeling. It’s all jumbled up and I’m trying to keep myself calm and collected. Tonight I just want to write it out and hopefully I’ll let this chapter pass. It’s not the kind of things I’d like to go through but I’ll take it as an experience…that sometimes this world can be a little cruel. I don’t want to hang on to this for too long even though everyday I’m reminded of this. I’ve been affected by this for too long. I need to see beyond this and learn how to go through this.

I’m the kind that don’t normally feel comfortable to bare it all to just anyone. So when I see the connection and I trust my own instincts that I can trust and count on a person, you will see a different side of me. I may appear cold or cool when you don’t know me…but I can jump around like a clown if I want to let you see that side of me. I don’t have to do that on purpose…I’d be like that when I’m with friends that I’m comfortable with. And to learn that I’d have to do things differently to a person to protect my heart and to stop being victimised and taken advantage of, I feel sad.

It’s a bit like learning my first love didn’t last. You have this very pure, very innocent, very ideal thought that you want your first love to be the first and to be the last …but one day it comes tumbling down and then reality sets in and hits you…you know you have to get real. What you think you want it to be..just doesn’t always materialise. And people change..they do.

Sometimes I do wonder if all these heartbreaks are turning me nuts.

Gracie, look at the bright side.

How?

Tomorrow when the sun shines  and lits up your room, look towards it.

Put on that peach colour shirt tomorrow and rock the world. Just remember that you can still be an awesome friend and don’t lose hope.