Year: 2009

Dear Ducky,

When you’ve decided to leave a place, suddenly many people are interested and curious to know where you are going to next. Some might think you are crazy. Some are doubtful if you’re making the right choice. Some are very understanding. Some wishes you the very best. Some agrees with your decision. Most of them, however, were very shocked.

I wouldn’t blame them for it came too sudden. Today it opened my eyes to even more comments. Sometimes people can be so negative and try to inflict fear upon you. I don’t know why people are like that lah. I guess they are here to test your positiveness. It happens everytime I’ve decided to move on to some other thing, some other place. You will always get to meet this kind of people. What I’ll do? I just smile because they will never understand. For whatever my next pursuit will entail, I’m going to walk down that path and just move forward. If you know this place is not suitable for you, you either stay put and try to survive and make the unbearable, bearable..Or you try to look for another place. That place may be better or it could be worse, but we will never know until we give it a try.

Read this somewhere. Liked it. Posting it here.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you’re just coming out of one, or you’re getting ready to go into another one.

God didn’t put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He’s more interested in what I am than what I do. That’s why we’re called human beings, not human doings.

P/S: I’m sorry I flipped you off the bed last night. I was too tired to pick you up. I picked you up this morning when I woke up. Dust you just in case there are alien creatures sticking to your fur. Give you a kiss, hugged you and put you back on the bed. I hope you forgive me.

Love,
Grace

Dear Ducky,

Today is a tormenting day. I can feel my head about to explode anytime. My mouth so tired of talking. It was more stressful that I’ve expected it to be but I am alive still so I think I’m fine..albeit still tired.

Things weren’t very right for me and I just want to have a fresh start. I do not want to be complaining and yet not doing something about it. I’m glad I have the guts to do it. Life is really too short to be miserable all the time.

I did not like what happened today but I will take it as an experience.

At times like these, it opens up my eyes to people around me. How they react, what is their responses, how they choose to use their words. Then I’ll see how I react and respond to the people around me and how I deal with my emotions.

And again, I was put in such a situation where I cannot please everyone. I hate to be in a situation like this but when life throws you something like that, you can’t say you don’t like it because you’ll have to deal it anyway whether you like it or not. There are things that are beyond your control and circumstances will put you in a situation an such that the next right thing to do is just what you got to do whether it pleases everyone or not.

Many complicated things or situations needs only simple decision or action to solve or simplify it. But to come out with a simple decision and actually putting it into action does not seem easy as you think. You need to be firm, you need to know what you want, you need to know why you want this..lastly and most important element..is still being firm.

I’ll be going to the temple on Sunday to thank God for all the good things that I have and thank Him for having Iris’s working visa approved. 🙂 This time I want to pray for my grandpa who refuses to eat through the mouth. I think he’s throwing a tantrum and is seeking attention.

Saturday..I’m going for a massage session with Mummy and we’ll watch Slumdog Millionaire in the cinema. Good movies always cure me! Till then, I’ll hang on there and fulfill all my responsibilities this week.

Got to know that a friend is getting married and was asking me if I could accompany her to choose wedding gowns. I’m very delighted! Because I like to do all this kind of stuff. And very honoured because she thought of me! 🙂

Have a goooooood week!

Love,
Grace

Dear Ducky,

It is an exhaustive day. If you’d like to experience what it’s like being trapped inside an exhaust pipe, please squeeze yourself through this post.

The life changing experience was somewhat a bit heavy for me to digest. I went from being very happy about it. So happy about it that I know if I didn’t own it, I’d cry so very badly. I’ve never felt like I wanted something so badly before so I know what it means to me. And it would it’s disaster if I didn’t get it. It’s like when you see it, you know it’s the one.

I’m glad that it is within reach now. In my hands now I would say…and it’s up to me to make it a very good experience for myself. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do that I don’t know if it’s going to last very long or I might get tired of it one day. But judging by the years I’ve been loving it, I think the passion is here to stay. It’s just one of things listed that I must do it once in my life else I will die regretting why I’ve never put in any effort to realise it. That itself is enough to explain, why it is something I want so badly.

I’m sorry I’d have to write in such ambiguous way. It’s just not convenient to reveal the truth here.

I have been living on bread for the past few days, I mean for my main meals and I know I will end it by the end of this week. Enough of torturing my body. Someone commented that I looked very different now and before. Particularly so today as she was saying my dark circles are super dark, my eye bags are so baggy (to me, they look like balloons now), my facial skin is without glow and shine. I agree with what she said. I didn’t need a mirror to know. I could feel it. My body has grown very heaty and weak and I’ve been getting this very annoying little coughs that likes to visit me in enclosed air-conditioned room.

I didn’t had a choice or so I think but I just don’t want to live like that anymore. Enough is enough.

I also had an emotional breakdown while talking on the phone because I was in a dilemma..was trying to hold back the tears. Looking back now, I didn’t know why the hell I had that short emotional breakdown. Sometimes I scare myself. You know like suddenly the light go fused? But after you get the fuse changed, it lights again. I’m that light. Once fused ar…will be very pathetic but once I get over that fusing period (which requires a few hours), I would be determined and clear on what I need to do.

The next thing on my to-do-list i’s not going to be easy but that’s the action I’ll need to take. I sat down and contemplate about my emotional being in the day and I can only conclude that I’ve always wanting things to end well and when I have something that comes along the way and hinder me to ending things well, I feel that I’m a bad person. I care too much when maybe others don’t even give a damn on it. I’m just a worrier. I can think of so many unnecessary things, I amuse myself when I look back at it.

Anyway, there are paths that you need to take to get over to the other side. The bridge came very early than expected. It came so fast, I’m actually still trying to absorb the fact that it has happened.

Love,
Grace

My life changed today.

It’s unbelievable.

I’m counting the blessings.

I’ve waited for this for so long.

Suddenly, I feel that the world is so wonderful.

It’s unbelievable..I’m going to bed now to recover from the extreme surprise I got today.

Dear Ducky,

This is going to be quite deep. If you are prepared for a plunge into the ocean without a proper oxygen mask, plunge your eyes further.

Yesterday’s happiness doesn’t guarantee today’s happiness because today I was quite sad. A little frustrated. Yet trying to remain calm and composed. In the end, I had to let myself go so I was behind the wheels and the tears streamed down..in small amount. It was like coincident or something, the radio was playing “Don’t Cry Out Loud”. It goes like this…Don’t cry out loud…just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings. Then I just kept driving forward, like very focused like that. So I know I’m not too depressed yet but neither am I very happy.

I don’t know if I’m brave or ignorant but I did something today in which I wasn’t very confident about but I carried it with as much confidence and positiveness that I can pump within me. In the end, I can say I failed but maybe I did not because no one said I failed but the feeling that I have with me is I don’t have a good feeling about it and with that, I’m not putting high hopes and I’ve allowed myself time to just absorbed whatever sadness I have that’s remained and then I want to move on.

This is not my first time facing such situation but it is never easy or pleasant to face such situation even if you have experienced in going through this. Don’t think this is the worst so I should take it as an experience or process that I’d have to go through.

Preparing for the next and I know I can do better than this.

Love,
Grace

So happy that I was dancing while showering. Then I was jumping in the living room. Next I was holding on to my bath towel and giggle to myself.

I will tell you why I’m happy when the time is right, ok?

I am just so, very, sangat, sungguh, teramat, absolutely, certainly, definitely, thankful today!

I am hard to read.

That is why I need to write so that it’s easier to read myself.

I may be interpreted this way today.

And I may be interpreted a different way yesterday.

Tomorrow you may find that the interpretation you have about me is different than what you’ve come to know today and yesterday.

I can be very happy today.

I can be very sad tomorrow.

I may sound like I’m positive but I’m just scared deep down inside, but just writing positively in hope that it would help to overcome the fear.

I may sound like I’m crazy and I’m really crazy.

Whenever I read something inspiring or watch something inspiring, I’m reminded that my grind at work is really nothing to compared to.

But when I’m at work and I read stories about people dying from overworking, it becomes not very inspiring anymore.

I’ve always had this dream I would like to pursue. It’s not that hard, really. But whenever I’m about to kick-start myself to delve in it, I will then present myself with all the fears that is not true unless proven right. It is so bad, it has been going on for years. I guess I’m just afraid to fail. So I’d rather choose to do something else…and even if I fail, I won’t feel so bad.

But watching a movie 2 days ago made me realise maybe I should just listen to my heart and ignore what my head has got to tell me. Please go watch “Look For a Star” starring Andy Lau and Shu Qi. Nothing at all related to the dream I want to pursue..I’m just merely borrowing the concept. I find it meaningful and very real. Gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling at the end of the movie. I’m just thinking you will definitely like it.

Just 2 days ago, Iris finally got her working visa after 4 months of gruelling wait. So I told Iris and Mummy that my prayers finally paid off. I prayed about it while I was in the temple in Sandakan, then at the temple in Jenjarom. I also placed a floating candle at the wishing pond too and wished for the same thing.

Mummy then asked, “Did you pray that you’ll find Mr.Right soon?”

“I forgot about that.”

Are you the type who prays for others before praying for yourself? Or are you the type that prays for solely yourself?

I always find myself praying for other people first, my family, my friends, before praying for myself so by the time I come to myself, I would have missed out some important stuff. Maybe I should write down a list. 🙂

Instead of having a guy date me, (like as though I have one), I went for my monthly visit to the dentist today. I was expecting for tooth extraction as what I’ve been told during my last visit even though I wasn’t really prepared today. When he replaced with yet a harder archwire, I knew no teeth will be extracted today and then I was given an explanation of what’s going to happen on my next visit.

I’d have to extract 4 teeth. yea, 4. Two on the upper jaw. Two on the lower jaw. That was still okay even though I already wanted to faint. I have a tooth that is protuding outwards and below that tooth there is no tooth to support it when I bite. One thing I must tell you is never to mess with your wisdom tooth and never ever sacrifice your molar just to get your wisdom tooth out, like what happened to me many years ago. Each time I see that gap of the missing molar which shouldn’t have given way so that the wisdom tooth behind of it can be extracted always struck a very sad chord in me. I hate the dentist who did it to me too.

Anyway…what my current dentist suggests to do with that tooth is to have a screw to support it to level it up, make it less protuding. And once it’s levelled back to go inward, it means that tooth will be biting down towards the gap at the bottom..so in order to support that, I might need a mini implant. Upon hearing this, my mind kind of cannot work for quite some time. I came home walking from the dentist thinking very hardly about my teeth.

Maybe it sounds scary but it’s not? I mean the dentist say it like it’s no big deal. haha.

Whatever it is, I’m going to go with the 2 teeth extraction of the upper jaw then we’ll see how it goes from there lor. I’ve had the worst dental surgery many years ago to remove my wisdom tooth so I think this normal extraction of teeth shouldn’t be something to worry about. And I mean, there’s really no use worrying because this is the path I chose to walk down and I’d have to be brave to face it.

Have also cancelled to go out with my girlfriend today because of my numbing teeth. Happy Valentine’s Day anyway!

I have turned into a cleaning machine and a very cruel-hearted garbage collector.

You don’t normally see me cleaning during weekdays because my mind will always tell me weekdays are shorter in hours and cleaning takes up longer hours. But today is exception. I actually packed a few more bags of clothes to be given away (some have followed me through thick and thin for 10 years and it’s time to say goodbye, because I’ve grown and the clothes have shrink or that if I put on that tee that fits a 17-year old on a 27-year old, it’s just plain weird)

Changed the bedsheets. Changed the mattress from the middle room to my room. So bloody heavy but I managed it anyway. The old mattress will have a butt mark every morning I wake up. It will sink according to the shape of my butt so it’s time to change to a thicker and harder mattress to support my ever-growing butt.

These are just behind the scenes cleaning/tidying because the whole house is still filthy. I only need to take a few steps around the house to gather my feet with dust. It’s bad I don’t know how I’m going to face my mum when she comes over day after tomorrow to visit my grandpa who is sick and refuses to eat. I will do whatever I can tomorrow.

Cooked these 2 days. It’s kinda lousy tasting but I’m going to fine tune it.

Watched The Oprah Winfrey Show these 2 nights also instead of the usual 8-o-clock news. I think I’m just sick of politics for now and would just like to watch something inspiring and enlightening. I always learn something after every episode of Oprah Winfrey. If you want to know what’s one of my favourite TV shows..it’s OPRAH!

I left work early..as in slightly a few minutes after office hours and I’m proud of that. I mean I can linger and stay but I will feel shitty when I come home. So it’s better to come home early while I still can and just live my life.