Category: Life

Today is a good day.

Because I am still on leave.

Because it was a productive day for me.

Because I am happy.

Usually, when I know I have a holiday, I would sleep in but not today because days like these don’t come everyday.

I woke up early, had breakfast, went to the management office to collect my new car stickers and then went to college.

I was there to collect my degree certificate. I know it sounds ridiculous, having collecting it so late but it is because it wasn’t ready at the time of the convocation and then I started working and I just didn’t really took the effort to go back to the college to collect it.

It was good to be back. I felt like a student for a moment there.

On my way to college, I saw a lorry carrying a flag that read “Hai Nan Association”. It was a lion dance lorry and the sight of it kept me happy because I didn’t expect to see one.

Then, I drove to another block of the college to pick Iris up. We made our way to Low Yatt Plaza as she wanted to get a Mp3 player. My first time driving down there and so I learned something new today. Learning a new route when I drive gives me satisfaction too.

I got a few pirated software CDs and Iris got herself a Mp4 Player. Nice.

After that, we went to the bank to deposit our ang pau money, having heard a lady commenting that there is such a long queue when the only persons queueing to update the passbooks were only me and Iris. That lady must have been blind. The bankteller even asked us where the long queue is. Iris and I giggled silently because the lady was standing next to me.

Came back home to watch “In Her Shoes.” Lovely movie.

Read. Cooked. Write. Talk. Laugh.

I think I would want to be a housewife.

“Bunny Koh! I like to go shopping with you. I enjoy the most when I’m with you.” Iris said.

She likes to call me different names from time to time. Lately, my new name is Bunny Koh. I like it though because everytime she calls me that, it sounds so dear to me.

I feel a little different today. More positive than my usual working days. I’ve planned the date to resign and I hope I’m following my plan as scheduled or else, I would never leave. I would be feeling guilty to leave the company. I would be reasoning out why I shouldn’t leave even though there isn’t any reason left for me to stay any longer, unless I like being tortured and become really depressed. I just need to not care for a while and look forward. The only reason why I’m still here is because I want to wait for the performance appraisal.

A friend asked, ” What if your appraisal is good?”

I told her, “Even if it’s good, I would still be answering calls.”

And that isn’t what I really want to do. Whether or not my next job is going to suck more than this, I still need to make my next move. Always feeling a little scared but at the same time, convincing myself that I would be okay. It’s my first job and my first time resigning soon so it’s normal to feel like it’s a big thing. I don’t really care whether or not by the day I resign, I would already have a new job. Maybe I would be lacking income if that happens but then I guess no amount of money would be able to cure the damage that has been done. I just think that I’ve pushed myself to stay longer than I should and it’s time that I start loving myself and listen to what my heart really says. I don’t want to waste my time anymore, battling with myself when I know I am capable of looking for something I enjoy doing. The grass is always greener on the other side. But what if it is really greener on the other side?

It’s comforting to know that after almost a year of handling calls, from the nicest to the ones from hell, I thought I would become a totally different person. But today, when I’m not answering any calls but just out there living, I am still me. I can be happy without the tears, the frustrations. I know I can’t be like that everyday because sometimes, you just have got to wear a different hat, put up a smiling mask even though deep down inside you are bleeding, live as though you’ve got no personal problems hogging your life. That happens when you are out there working because you would always need to appear “professional”. Likewise, when I’m with people who know me, I’m just Grace. And to know that you are still you, that’s a blessing.

Mummy called today for a few times. Teaching me how to cook the things I’ve brought over. Asking me whether I was okay.

I told her I cried last night. She told me when she saw the plane took off, her heart sank too.

“I really miss you Grace.”

Just listening to that made my heart sank again and I was holding back my tears and choked a little when I spoke. I tried to cover up as much as possible.

Sometimes, I think I should just go and act in a teary drama since I like to cry so much.

Started off the morning by having breakfast with a friend and his family. *Siah, it was nice meeting you!*

Went back home to pack my stuff. Mummy just couldn’t stop stuffing more food into the luggage. It came to a point where there isn’t any space left in the luggage but she was very persistent to get it all in.

“Grace, can you put in this 4 jagung into your bag?”

I managed to squeeze them in among my clothes.

She also made us bring vegetables from Sandakan. She packed all the Chinese New Year cookies for us. Mandarin oranges. She cooked dinner for us so that we wouldn’t need to cook once we land ourselves in KL. My super mum!

Before we left the house, Mummy boiled turtle eggs for us. I’m sorry but I killed a turtle today.

There were lots of people in the airport as compared to normal days because everyone’s flying back to study/work today. Iris and I still got back the same seat we had when we flew back to Sandakan. Emergency row, on the right.

It was nostalgic! It made me think of the day when I sat at the same place and cheering happily when the plane landed at Sandakan Airport. Today, I wasn’t cheering at all.

Saw the same people too. An ex-classmate of mine who flew back to Sandakan on the same plane as me and now flying back to KL on the same plane as me too. Sandakan-borned national swimmer, Elvin Chia was on the same plane too.

I reached home at around 4 something and unpacked my stuff. I was a little tired and I just sat on the sofa, thinking of what to do. I’m a little lost actually and still recovering from homesickness and trying to accept the fact that I’m no longer in Sandakan but in KL.

“Iris, so much food we got here. Even, fresh vegetables from Sandakan!”

“Yes. There wasn’t any place to put the 4 jagung but Mummy says you like them. So she wanted the jagung to go with you to KL.”

I was all okay until Mr.Boyfriend came to visit me. I hugged him as he walked into the house and then the tears started to flow. I feel happy to see him again but at the same time, missing my home so so so much. I miss the good times I had with my friends and my family. All the memories. Just the thought of being there.

I’ll think about Mummy and Pappy, just the two of them being there. Anyway, just thinking of those wonderful moments make me want to cry even more now. Sometimes I wish I could stay a little longer. This is by far my shortest trip back to Sandakan since I’m working now. Maybe I shouldn’t look at it that way of how short or long a trip it is. At least, I get to go back.

I think people cry lesser when they get older. Like how children like to cry when they are young and they become more stable when they grow up. I’m otherwise. I cry even more as I grow older.

I shed a tear or two too last night as I was lying on the bed that I only get to sleep on once a year. I told Mummy about it and she went, “So emotional one ar?”

She even said, “Grace, don’t cry ok?”

I won’t listen. I would still cry because I just feel like crying.

I know I’ll be fine. I’ll just need to cry and then move on. It isn’t my first year being away and I’ve survived 7 years being away, going back and coming back again.

If we don’t part, we would never meet again. I’ll remember what Mummy said today.

My name is Grace. I love to think myself to be amazing so that people would call me “Amazing Grace”.I was born and bred in Sandakan, Sabah, The Land Below the Wind. People often mistake us to live on trees but we don’t and we get pretty offended when getting remarks as such.

I am a Chinese. Teo Chiew descendant. 24 years old.

Single and still searching for her soul.

I am currently residing in Kuala Lumpur. I came to this big city for further studies right after Form 5. Enrolled myself in a Mass Communication course because I love to write and hoping that it would bring me somewhere. However, I quit after a month’s time because I figured I’m not built with the kind of material to survive longer in it. I used to be painfully timid and shy. I wrote in a journal to my lecturer which is part of the assignment that I wouldn’t be able to continue doing Mass Communication because it isn’t really my cup of tea.

Transferred myself into a Business foundation after much begging from the Head of the School Department because she was reluctant to make the transfer for me, telling me I wasn’t going to make it as I am going to start afresh while everyone’s already in their mid semester. I proved them all wrong by surviving it and came out with all As. I thought that was pretty amazing.

Computing was one of the subjects I enjoyed thoroughly during my foundation course which what brings me to get a degree in Information Technology. Programming almost killed me but I managed to survive that too.

I was previously working in a field which is totally out from what I’ve studied. It happens, doesn’t it? I worked in a Call Centre of a shipping line. Not exactly the kind of job I envisioned myself to be in but people say not to be too choosy especially on your first job so that’s why I was there, even though I always question myself on why I’m there.

For work, I answer incoming calls from various kinds of people, some with rather interesting characters – you either love them or have them drive you nuts. You get screwed once in a while by customers whether or not it is your mistake or problem. It’s just natural when you are part of a front line soldier. It is not easy talking to people. That’s why there are times that you got to take it as rock music. Sometimes I like my job, sometimes I don’t.

I’m into my 2nd job now as a System Support in a healthcare company. On a different path to discover what I truly love to do, I’m not there yet and I’m sure one day I’ll be doing something I enjoy doing.

I fly back to my hometown once a year during Chinese New Year with my duck. She’s a plush toy and her name is Ducky. Mummy says I never grow up since I’m always hugging my duck to sleep everynight but I don’t really care because you should do the things you love and this is one of them. At times, she studies and watches TV with me too. Unfortunately, I can’t bring her to work because it’ll freak out my boss.

Favourite hangout place would be the bookstore, music store, cinema, cafes, gym, swimming pool and above all my house. Exceptionally happy when buying herself a cup of Iced Chocolate (Happier if someone buys her one!), having read a good book, writing her soul out, getting a snail mail, when she flies home and drinking a bowl of hot soup.

Prefers listening than talking. Appears calm but always panicking inside.

Suffers from zit. Walks like a penguin. Blushes too easily.

Very shy. Only loud when she writes.

That’s me.

Last updated: 1st July 2006

 

Went to another open house today but this time, it’s a little further away from town. And I simply love the breeze, scenery and food!

We had roasted pork. Yummy! It has been such a long time since I see a pig being roasted and then chopped to slices.

Tomorrow is my last day in Sandakan before I fly off on Sunday noon. 🙁

When I’m back home, it’s like keeping memories alive again.

You have no idea how by just looking at one fruit like guava brings me back to the time when a love blossomed during my holidays in Sandakan a few years back. He’s no longer my love now but a friend.

I’ve been inviting him over to my house every Chinese New Year but he hasn’t turn up for 2 years or so. Expecting that he wouldn’t be coming this year, I didn’t invite him. But guess what? He came. He was calling a friend who was already in my house and that friend passed the phone to me so it was only courtesy to invite him over. That was how he came.

We talked normally. No feelings of hatred or whatsoever. Something that I’ve tried to overcome for so long, after all the arguments, fights and misunderstandings. We broke up twice. He dumped me once and I dumped him once. Young people, they like to dump one another.

I like the way it is now because it’s fact that we cannot be lovers but only friends. Each time we talk, we fight when there isn’t really anything to fight about. So no matter how much you love a person but the communication just doesn’t seem to flow, it’s only wise to step back and make peace with one another.

So, that’s basically what I’ve been doing in the afternoon, reminiscing the past.

After that, I went out with my family to have dinner. Lou sang! It was good! And then, ended the night by hanging out with a bunch of girlfriends at QQ Ice, a place that serves bubble tea. My thirst of going to favourite places is slowly being fulfilled, this is one of it because I used to hang out here with my schoolmates too. See? It’s all about memories.

The days I’m here is getting shorter and shorter. I’m preparing myself to go back to KL. Thinking about going to work is already killing half of my motivation and enthusiasm but I’ll keep myself alive by looking out for opportunities. It is only the mind that makes things scarier. At the mean time, I’ll savour the time I have here.

You have a good day too!

Went to have breakfast at Kampung Buli Sim Sim today. A fishing village where wooden houses are built on stilts. You can read more about Sandakan here.

After that, it was shopping time. Mummy went to buy vegetables and then we went to Tai Chung Supermarket. To my delight, I found this!

This is one of my favourite snack when I was in school. Usually, I can only find those in strips but this brand comes in slices. It certainly brought back sweet memories of my school years.

More updates later!

For the past few days, I’ve been waking up really early and today is no exception. This is all because of the sound of drums of the lion dance. The lions really get up early and they will come visiting you by 7:30am. So, being one that loves it so much, I just had to get up even though I could just continue lying on my bed.

There were a few more house visiting to go today. First house we went to belonged to Pappy’s ex-worker. She used to be Pappy’s secretary and has quitted long long time ago. Yet, we will still visit one another during Chinese New Year. She doesn’t call me Grace but “Chris Koh”.

In the afternoon, a few of my ex-classmates came to the house for a short while before we headed off to another house. It’s nice to listen to stories of an ex-classmate who’s now a teacher. It made us laughed a lot!

Today, I’m a bit sad, knowing that my 10 days back to Sandakan trip is already half way through. I’ve got three and a half days more before I would be flying back to KL. And it seems like I’ve only been back home yesterday and I’m flying away again very soon.

I really miss this place, a lot. Pappy and a few friends have asked me whether I would want to come back to work over here. It isn’t really a bad idea because I just feel so nice being around here. It’s not so hectic and you lead a simpler life here. It’s just that it’s hard to get an environment in which you could learn a lot like in big cities.

When I graduated from high school, I wanted so much to go out to see the world. I just can’t wait to go out there and discover what’s in it for me. Studying in KL was fun and at the same time challenging and I have grown throughout the years. Now that I’ve been working for almost a year now, first thing I feel is to quit and give myself a break. Having that break in Sandakan would be best.

I just feel that I’m no longer as excited and enthusiastic as I used to be. The undying spirit of mine is slowly slipping away. I don’t know what brought about that change but it is just different and I often question myself why I’m so lost.

I am no longer as thoughtful and caring as I used to be. I used to really take care of things and people but now I’m starting to get a little lazy and sometimes I just couldn’t be bothered. Perhaps it’s because of the grind I go through everyday that I’m now aware that I sometimes cannot be very thoughtful and caring even if I want to in order to protect myself.

But I know once I overcome that then I’ll be alright. I think when you’re in your 20s and you’ve just started to work (it’s almost a year but I still think I’m very new), it’s just a period of self-discovery and experiment so I’ll be banging here and there, till I get really comfortable and able to carry myself well.

Hence, it was comforting to be able to listen to stories and to talk to my friends, knowing that I’m not the only one who’s going through the same transition.

After spending time with my friends, it was some quality time spent with my family. I would really need to appreciate the remaining few days while I’m here because it would be a really long time before I get to come back again. Ah, it’s always the same feeling I’m feeling everytime when it’s approaching to the day I’m flying back to KL again.

Sometimes, you just wished you could hold back time.

Cute or not? It bowed a few more times for me to take a picture of it.

Met up with a friend today who’s two years younger than me. We only get to meet once a year which is during Chinese New Year. Sometimes I like talking to people a few years younger than me because they give you a different perspective on life, most of the time very positively. I learn a lot from them too.

He told me a rather surprising story, about going out with someone 4 years elder than him for 2 years already and still going strong.

Just listening and looking at his smiling face, I could sense how happy he is. And I’m happy about that.

I, too once despise the idea of going out with someone younger than me. I would want someone who’s older because it would mean that he is someone who’s mature enough to protect and guide me better.

However, when you fall in love with someone who’s younger, you will think about that “idea” you have planted in your mind for so long and at the same time, thinking whether the age factor really matters.

Having gone through that, I think it doesn’t really matter to me. Maybe because the age difference wasn’t that big as 4 years in the case of my friend’s relationship. But I think what really matters is being able to get along well with one another.

I like having heart to heart conversations like these. It’s like going home with a heart-warming story to be remembered.