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The past is back to haunt me. Something that makes me feel miserable by just thinking about it. I’ve always been avoiding and pushing the thought back to the back of mind everytime it appears. That’s because I don’t have the courage and strength to do it all alone.

This time around I have to put an end to it. I’m not sure how I will go through this. Sometimes i just wish I have someone to watch over me and protect me while I’m at it. But then there are just things that you got’ve to face and do it on your own. No one’s going to help me if I don’t step up and allow myself to help myself.

I’ve been trying to act strong for the past 2 years or more. I think I’ve done well but there are a few times where I’ll break down like today. It’s 3.37am, just finished watching a fun movie, was laughing 1 hour ago but now lying on the bed with my face stained with tears, typing this post with my iPhone.

I can’t sleep if I don’t write it down. This is probably the first time i’m crying in the year 2010.

One thing that I enlightened myself with, a thought that came across the mind…is that I think my heart is quite scarred. Giving out your heart to the wrong hands is very fatal indeed. You may have the most sincere intention but it doesn’t guarantee you’ll receive the same.

It is even scarier to think of how a person can delicately treat you so well and detailed, to only discover that the same person can just turn around and walk away, with no need reason explained and no consideration.

Sometimes I wonder whether it was all just a plot. A plot that certainly took time to realise. So well-crafted. Because I’ve analysed and analysed it all over but I still don’t get a clue. You see, that’s the thing that is killing me too. The need to know but never would I get to know. So I tell myself there’s no need to know but no matter how I keep that curiosity buried deep inside, it had it’s way to resurface.

I don’t have to try to think about because it comes hit you when you least expect it, or maybe there’s some kind of hidden schedule that makes it happen.

I’ve learnt my lesson and I’m also more protective about myself. I’m not sure if i’m too protective to actually open my heart to someone in the near or far future. In fact, I may already have my heart locked unknowingly now.

I’m just afraid, afraid, just afraid. I know time heals but I don’t know if it applies to this one I’m having issues with now. Maybe it’s not really a big problem but I’ve never gotten into situation like this so it’s still big for me. The biggest I have for as long as I’ve lived.

I know if I can beat this, nothing else can be harder. Time does heal, perhaps I need a longer time. I will heal myself no matter how dreadful it is.

One step at a time. No need to be ashamed. You’re not the only one with problems. Problems can be solved. Big problems are hard to solve but they can still be solved.

I’ve come so far, I should strive on.

It’s 4.07am, I’m tired.

Thanks for hearing me out.

My hands got itchy so here I am with a new theme. Functional but still work in progress, tiny parts to fix here and there.

This blog also has a new look when viewed from a mobile device. I’m using WPtouch, a mobile theme for a WordPress site. Very neatly presented. I’m going to try out other applications as well until I find the perfect one.

I don’t really feel like sleeping tonight after working on the new theme for the past 4 hours. I can’t wait for the 2 working days to end too. I need the long weekend.

Sometimes you need to fall sick, recover and then start all over again…this time refreshed, healed and ready to take on the world again. My exact feelings at this point of time.

I know my cough is coming to an end with a tiny bit of phlegm left lurking around. They are evil because I will get this sudden attack where I can’t stop coughing for a good few minutes, tears coming out of my eyes, face all red and my breath goes haywire.

Got a few things fixed over the weekend. The brake light of my car on the driver’s side wasn’t working so I visited the nearest service centre, knowing it’s just going to take a change of bulb to get it working again. But what happened was as the mechanic changed the bulb, the ones that were working (left and middle) stopped working altogether. I was with no brake lights.

They said it’s because of the brakes switch so they got that fixed. What doesn’t make sense is why it just suddenly stopped functioning when the guy changed the bulb. I didn’t like the way some of the guys were looking at me and my sister as well. It’s like they’ve never seen species called “female” in their entire life. I don’t usually go to this service centre and I know very well I’m just going to stick to my usual service centre because the guys over there are kind and they are not dodgy.

Watched Shrek Forever After. It was alright but my all time favourite will always be Shrek 1.

Fixed the hair too. Cut it about one inch shorter, feels so great now. Cannot imagine myself with long hair anymore and I don’t know if that’s normal. I’m obsessed with my hair being short.

De-clutter again and more work in progress, considering the amount of clutter I’ve got.

Watched 16 episodes of Cinderella’s Stepsister..had wanted to continue watching but there’s only 16 episodes on the website out of the 20 so I’ve got to wait. It gets better towards the end with twist of events. I like.

Now…a good night’s  sleep for a fantastic tomorrow.

I love you.

It’s not a good week for me, health wise.

Been coughing a lot and real hard because I wanted to get all the phlegms out as soon as I can. The only good thing is I FINALLY KNOW HOW TO SPIT OUT PHLEGM. Throughout the years, I’ve only blown my nose to get rid of them, it’s not easy because most of the time, it appears at the throat when you want it out so badly. So, here I’m announcing that at the age of 28, I finally learned the art of spitting my own phlegm…that is after many failed attempts that resulted me having to vomit a little.

Aside the stomach muscle that hurts, my shoulder hurts now too. It just suddenly came and strike me in the office in the afternoon. Came back home and had dinner but eating was painful because shoulders were hurting even more. Just doing nothing hurts too…to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore, I drove out alone to get myself a Yoko-Yoko. I love the burning sensation and the pain has subsided a little.

Tomorrow will definitely be a better day. I’ve been looking like crap for the past 2 days. I’ve been going to the toilet a lot too. Every 30 minutes, I’ll be walking in and out of the toilet just to throw out phlegm. I cannot believe I went out with the hair that I have today. It’s a bad hair day. Half of it looked normal, the other half looked like a worn toothbrush. But because I’m not well, I didn’t really care. When you are sick, I think it’s best to look sick.

Been watching a Korean series – Cinderella’s Stepsister. It’s a bit confusing and difficult to understand at the beginning but I guess that’s what drove me to follow through it. That will be what I’ll be doing until I finish the series. 20 episodes altogether and I just finish Episode 9.

I’m thankful to have Iris cooking dinner for us since I got sick this week. Ada soup lagi tu.

dongsaeng, saranghaeyo.

I’m having this sudden attack of dry cough since last night. I have this tickling sensation in my throat and I cannot stop coughing. My voice is now coarse and whenever I cough, it affects my tummy, it doesn’t really hurt but coughing is using my stomach muscle….and I’m always hungry today.

Coughed my way through while I was watching the Uber cup finals. Awesome fighting spirit by the Korean team. I LIKE!!

It is getting better now by the night because I’ve been drinking a few glass of hot water. Took honey as well. I’m going to take another spoon of honey before I head to bed.

*cough cough*

I finally get to sleep in my own room again after being a nomad in my own house for the past 2 months.

I’ve been sharing the room with my sister so that Mummy could have my room. I’m also staying up late tonight, just to surf the Internet, to have my own space and personal time. No nagging at this hour. You don’t know how much just sitting in front of the computer, surfing, reading stuff online, blogging, makes me sane.

Tomorrow I want to go shopping. I need SHOES.

For the first time ever, my credit card statement is showing zero amount. That’s because I did not get the replacement card to replace the one that is expired 2 months ago until recently….so I didn’t spend anything on the card…but that doesn’t mean I didn’t spend because I spent them all on cash. HAHA.

I’m going to chill this weekend and do whatever I want to do, even if it means doing nothing!! For the first time since January 2010, I actually managed to leave the workplace with a clean slate, meaning no pending tasks that will loom over my head over the weekend. And then I clocked out one hour in style today, to grab a quick dinner with my sister, to skip attending an event and to choose to watch Thomas Cup semi-finals at home. One hour is nothing compared to the extra hours I’ve spent so even though it felt weird leaving while the others are still around, I didn’t quite care leh.

Had someone talking back to me today but IT’S FINE. I will take it as a lesson on how to handle such situations in the future. I was caught off-guard and I was stunned because I wasn’t expecting any of this from someone I’ve been very patient with. It teaches me that sometimes being nice doesn’t pay off so I won’t say I’ll be cruel but I’m just going to be firm and make sure my instructions are clearly understood.

For now….I shall say good night and have a fantastic weekend. I’ll be watching the Thomas Cup finals this Sunday to see if Lin Dan is going to dance again!

😀

I’m running on UniFi – High Speed Broadbrand now. Very happy because I’ve been living with the lowest Internet speed ever for the past few years. After approximately a month of waiting for the installation to be done (looks like it is quite a long queue), we finally got it successfully installed today. It wasn’t a smooth ride but I’m glad it’s over.

It usually takes a few hours to install but because there were problems (drilling required to be done and we had to seek the building management’s approval), it took us 2 days to get it done. From what I understand from the call I’ve been making, drilling is not required if you are staying in a condominium/apartment. Maybe my apartment is old or the design is such that it requires drilling…I’m not sure. They had wanted to put us on another appointment next week and we won’t be able to get the same technical team who came on the first round but thank God for Pappy who doesn’t take in nonsense like work done half way and not continuing it the next day. He didn’t want to take no for an answer. If I were to be in the situation, I would have just allowed them to come next week because I don’t have the ability to press people until they have no choice but to follow. Pappy has such power!

Sometimes I don’t agree with Pappy being too aggressive and pushy or you could say unreasonable, but I understand the need to be pushy and firm to get the message across and to get things done. The technical team came again today to get the installation work done so here I am now, enjoying every single bit of the speed.

• It is great to have the Internet access up and running again! I’m still amazed with the fact that they actually made an effort to call and then send someone over.
• Celebrated Mother’s Day with a lot of food. 🙂 Had teo chiew porridge for lunch in Aman Suria, followed by yummy Japanese dinner at Rakuzen. It was nice because not only Mummy was around, Pappy was around too.
• Had another round of spring cleaning and found things that I thought I’ve thrown away much earlier. I still have the notes from college, subject outline, some text books. I had a hard time throwing away my handwritten notes because my handwriting was so neat and perfect, it felt like throwing dedication and hard work away. Anyway, this time I let it go…so there are no more notes left in the house. The one thing that I cannot part with yet are all the cards I’ve received throughout the years….so while I was going through those cards…and letters, I’ve got this very random, mixed feeling towards the name of the person on the cards.
• Other ridiculous stuff that I found were brand tags (the ones that are attached to new clothes when you buy them)….I used to collect every single brand I ever bought. Crazy! I have these stickers of Powerpuff girls and Snoopy kept for more than 15 years and they are still with me…but as of now….they are GONE. A Dunkin Donuts cake box which I brought back from Korea. Yes, the box…Why? Because we bought the cake from Dunkin Donuts in Korea during Christmas week and each purchase entitled you to bring a bear back for free. I named the bear “Ajoshi” which means uncle in Korean. Oh yea, it was an ice cream cake. I liked the whole thing so much, the idea of getting the cake, the bear, and I wanted that piece of memory to stay so I brought the box back. And now that I’ve penned it down..the box will be recycled to save Mother Earth. “Ajoshi” is still with me though. That would maybe take me another 5 years to let him go. HAHA!
• I love my iPhone more and more each day. I’ve been spending a couple of minutes with it before bedtime, just to check out new applications or just simply touching the buttons on the screen. I love it even more when the Internet was down and iPhone allowed me to connect to the world again.
• I don’t think I”ll be taking off my braces anytime soon. In fact, it feels like permanent.
• I found out today that I’m attracted to pleasant-looking, neatly-dressed guys who speak proper English in the lift.