Category: Life

It’s the Wednesday blues. I know there’s no such a thing because there would only be Monday blues but today is indeed a blue one for me. Working after a public holiday is not nice at all.

Problems. I get so many. I don’t know how to solve them all but I push myself to solve them. There is such a time when no matter how best you try to solve one, it will still never be perfect. Customer will hate me. Well, but it’s still better than not trying at all.

Then, a customer called and I had to tell her I’ll be able to handle her case since the person in charge is on leave. Someone has got to help her so knowing that it’s like committing suicide, I said yes. My name was called when the customer came and I had to walk out to the counter and pretend like I know what to do. I walked back in and was saying “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit” repeatedly along the walkway that only I was walking. I asked for someone’s help and she was so nice, she helped me.

I walked back out again this time, saying “Oh man. Oh man. Oh man” repeatedly till I saw people. I cannot scold the customers on the phone no matter how dumb they can be and one colleague that certainly drove me crazy for the first half of the day so the only way to detoxify myself is by talking to myself while I was on the walkway where no one can hear me.

If there’s any day that I feel like killing someone, it’s today!

Tomorrow is definitely not going to be any better but I think I can still run another mile.

After work, went to the gym to work out. I joined a class today and so the amount of sweat is more. I just love it at the end of it when you get to smell your sweat. So smelly but so nice. The cool down song played was Def Leppard’s “When Love and Hate Collide” which made me feel so much better because I like this song a lot.

Came home to be served with yummy food. The rendang. The sambal. The steamed fish. The sayur bayam. The soup. I got to savour the moment because starting from next week, I will not be coming back with such servings anymore.

And while writing this, I’m eating “Hello Panda”. The Japanese biscuit with chocolate coated inside. It makes me happy just eating it.

Without you
One night alone is like a year without you baby
Do you have a heart of stone
Without you
Can’t stop the hurt inside
When love and hate collide

1. Leaving the house at 7:30am now is not going to bring me to the office on time. I need to leave earlier. *cries*

2. I am still shy.

3. I work in a freezer.

4. I will not have Internet access for a week in the office. This is totally unacceptable but surprisingly, I’m working fine without it.

5. Malaysia exports a lot to United States of America. China exports a lot to Malaysia.

6. Some shirts are just made to fit me. Aku cantik hari ini.

7. When a customer asks for your mobile number, it means he/she likes talking to you.

8. When you wonder how long you’ve never spoken to a particular customer, he/she will call you. Like what happened today. She said, “Grace, saya rindu lah!”

9. When people are too cold, they cannot think. The mind freezes.

10. When a colleague of mine is feeling so stressed, she would place her blue Kilometrico above her ear, walk around while fanning herself with her hands and when she sees you, laughs evilly.

11. You wouldn’t know there can be 6 functionalities to the new office chair if not for the briefing given by another colleague who is bothered enough to read the manual to it.

12. A colleague stands in front of the hot drink vending machine but dare not press on any single button and tells you, he has never seen anything like that before. So, I demonstrated to him. He seemed happier after that. I can understand where he’s coming from because I didn’t dare to press on any button when I first encountered the machine.

13. I am still shy.

14. The team I’m currently in now are made up of nice and friendly people. 🙂

15. I think I’m okay.

Today is a fun and exciting day!

It wasn’t all smooth but it didn’t really bother me. Phone system wasn’t working at all until later. No Internet access yet. Only one printer and fax machine to be shared by everyone.

It’s so far to get to those machines. You walk. I walked for so many times today. I feel like I’m exercising in the office but I enjoyed those walk.

There were so many problems in the morning but it didn’t bother me too. I just tried to solve them as I can.

I like working on my desk. I want to decorate my little bulletin board. What I need now is to stock up food on my desk. And to bring food for lunch because there’s no food around, nowhere to go. Gracie must learn how to pack express lunch from home so that’s going to be exciting too.

All I can say is I loved everything about today. I hope it stays like this for a long long time.

“How’s your new office?”

“Yes, for now!”

You know you’re lost when you don’t really know what you are doing, why you are doing it and how you are supposed to do it.

You go to work and you feel so scared, not confident in answering the questions that you get. I’m doing things so blindly that sometimes I feel like I’m a robot. Given a same situation in a different twist and I’m lost in how to solve it. Because why? I don’t view the problem in a big picture, I’m focusing on it as it is and that is why I cannot think of how to solve it. Sometimes, it takes common sense to figure how to solve it but I find my mind so blank. Totally blank.

I’m making mistakes at work because of that. I would be looking at the calendar, advising the customer one date but in actual fact, I’m thinking of another date.

The customer might have felt the uncertainty in my voice, she asked, “Are you sure?”

Then, I start to wake up and say the correct date. I fumble if they were to ask, “Are you sure?” for a few more times.

It’s just a minor mistake but it keeps repeating. Sometimes I take a little longer to answer simple queries because I know I’m unstable and I want to make sure I speak the correct information before I say anything. More often that not, I’ll get a “Hello?” on the receiving end.

We are relocating and I had to pack my stuff. I don’t even know how to pack my stuff properly. I know I have to put in the paper tray first before I put anything else in because that’s the biggest thing of all things so you must put it in first before you fill the gap with smaller things.

Knowing it, I still put the other small things first instead of putting the paper tray first. My mind is telling me something but I’m doing otherwise. Am I going through some kind of disorder or what?

Then, I felt so frustrated.

“How lah? How do I fit this in?” I said.

My colleague heard me. She came.

“I didn’t know you are so hopeless when it comes to packing.” She wasn’t scolding but merely being honest.

“Grace, you are in import now. Why are you still keeping those export files? Why are there so many things in your box?”

“No, it’s import stuff.”

Most of them are export stuff by the way. I have problem throwing it away because I still think it’s important to me. Don’t ask me why but I’m keeping printed emails like those from the customers I once helped a long time ago. Problems that were so big and new to me and I remembered how I used to solve them even though I didn’t know how to. I don’t want to forget about how I grew and learn throughout my period in this organization. That’s why I’m keeping them. There are also some from a manager who questioned me on my action and I replied them with my justification and I’m still keeping them. There was one in which I was so afraid to reply to because I was only two months old then but I tried to write and one of my colleague was so impressed with what I wrote. “Grace, that’s a very nice reply.” See? I want to remember things like that.

I’ve even got 5 log books that I’ve accumulated since the very first day I started taking the calls. The numbers, the names, the actions required. On certain pages, you can find some little scribbling of mine. It ranges from, “Oh God”, “I’m bored”, “Shit!”, “How?” depending on what I feel when I get a very difficult call.

“Oh my God, are you also keeping these?”

“Yes lah. If not, throw?”

My colleagues shook their head. Mr.Boss was like just next to me, packing also. He didn’t say anything but I think he also want to pengsan when he sees what’s going on.

I’ve been trying to throw lots of stuff away but then after the throwing away, there is still many left. I cannot throw it away until another time.

“Grace, remove all the things from the box first.”

I did as I was told.

She then helped me to put the paper tray in first.

“Okay, Grace, now you can put the rest in.”

Finally, I got my stuff packed.

Now do you understand what I’m saying when I say I feel totally lost?

I want to find myself again. I’ve never been so lost before.

I decided to let go of someone. It’s the end of my relationship.

It’s impossible not to cry. I cried in the night. I cried this morning when I was alone. Again, shed a few more tears in the afternoon.

It’s not because of the wrong date given or how I didn’t know how to pack my stuff that I decided to let go. These are just signs that are telling me I need to rescue myself. I am not happy and very troubled and I’ve got problems that I’m unable to write it all out here.

I just want to start all over again.

Clad in my white long sleeve shirt with black stripes and a skirt, I was all set to go to work.

As I was about to leave the house, the stomach cramps started and I had to go to the toilet. I knew it would take long and so I had to call up my colleague to drive off without me. I will drive to work on my own later.

But then, the cramps went on and on. I decided to inform Ms.Boss that I will be coming in later.

Still in my long sleeve shirt, I typed on the mobile while holding on to my pyjamas. Yea, very sexy. I just feel like sleeping after that and I did.

It just so happened to be one of the day in a month that reminds you how wonderful it is to be a woman. I have not been treating my body well lately and this is the feedback that I’m getting.

Boss replied, “If it’s too painful, think it’ll be better for you to rest at home today.”

I don’t think all bosses would say this.

Anyway, I decided to rest at home today while I listened to Mummy’s stories. I taught her how to check and write emails after that. She cooked for me after that.

Tomorrow, I will need to think of ways to entertain myself during work.

Good night and sleep tight.

I feel so bored at work now. I get tired very easily even though I have nothing much to do. I feel restless too.

40 calls that I get is equivalent to 20 or less because the calls that I get now can be quite simple and straightforward.

“When is it arriving?” I get this question everyday without fail.

I still double check the systems even though I know which day it is arriving before I tell the customers.

Seriously, I wouldn’t want to spend my days at work just answering to those questions. If it has not make me feel like an answering machine previously, it is making me feel like one now.

At the end of the day, I come back home to be entertained by my mother.

Yeap, she’s here!

I played this on Winamp and we sang together. I amplified my voice when it came to the “ooh ooh” part.

Oh yes I’m the great pretender (ooh ooh)
Pretending that I’m doing well (ooh ooh)
My need is such I pretend too much
I’m lonely but no one can tell

Most of the blue pens in the world don’t like me. I can never use a normal pen from the beginning right till the very last drop of its ink because after a few days of writing, sometimes even lesser than that, the blue pen just doesn’t work anymore.

I don’t see it in other people because the more the write, the more ink comes gushing out of the pen, making the words appear bolder. Mine fades away into the background.

I don’t know how many pens I’ve thrown away since school. I then learnt the magic of having an ink pen because I never have problems writing with an ink pen.

Now that I’m working, I had to rely on the supply of office stationery. In this case, it’s the brand Kilometrico. I have been using and throwing Kilometricos long before their retirement date because as what my sister would say, “Grace doesn’t know how to use a pen. I don’t know how she writes.” She would never understand why every pen that I come in touch with would die sooner than they should. I wonder why too.

Seeing each Kilometrico leaving me before it should, I decided to put a stop to it. Now, I’m using the pens I bring from home. They are pens that I’ve collected in events, fairs, hotels. They are a bit more tougher.

Using an ink pen in this case would be a bit wasteful because it would run out of ink in a matter of days (until the very last drop, of course!) since I’ll be writing as the calls come flowing in.

Do you and your pen work well together?